How am I supposed to live without you?
Disclaimer: If I by any chance happened to own them, i wouldn't even let them leave a room without the other :D
A/N: this story is inspired by the song How Am I supposed to live without you by Michael Bolton. Here's a link if you guys are interested in listening . This is totally my parents' fault. I was with them in the car and then somehow we got stuck in traffic, and so they started listening to these old songs and it really wasn't helping either that my headphones weren't working. So i got stuck in traffic with my parents, listening to old songs and then all of a sudden this song got to me and before i knew it, i was already writing a Yunjae fic :)
Anyway.. on to the story...
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I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
You remember getting up in the morning, thinking it was going to be the same again. You get up from the bed, brush your teeth, take a quick shower, dress up like the usual, shove some food into your mouth for a quick breakfast, go to work, go home, sleep and the cycle goes on and on.
Of course you were wrong.
Today was far too different from your usual routine. Or maybe different was a big understatement.
It started out fine, yes, you got up the bed, went to the bathroom for your hygienic habits, then went to the kitchen, you turned the tv on out of reflex (Why you had a small television in the kitchen would forever be a mystery to you, maybe it was Jaejoong? Maybe while the five of you were out drinking he managed to talk you out into buying a tv for the kitchen so he can use it whenever he comes over? That’s probably it.) Not that he comes by so very often anymore. Ever since he…
Speaking of the devil, you heard his name come out from the television and you listen attentively, like you always do when you hear something related to him, out of instinct-which you immediately regret the minute you heard the words that came out from the person in the tv
Former Dong Bang Shin Ki member, Kim Jaejoong also known as Youngwoong Jaejoong, was cornered last night in front of one of the most romantic restaurants located in Seoul, with his rumored girlfriend Lee Soojin, a famous fashion designer in Korea-
You felt your heart freeze for a moment, then ache with that familiar pain. Yes, the pain that you always felt when you see them together, when you see them hold hands in front of you, hug, kiss, look at each other like they were the only two people on Earth. Jaejoong’s rumored girlfriend wasn’t such a rumor at all. In fact, you’ve already met her. And you remember thinking, how can she be this perfect? Why is she so perfect for him?
As if on cue, you heard his voice. The soft voice that never failed to sooth you ears and heart.
So you’re finally admitting that you two are really dating?
He laughed. God, that laugh was so happy, it almost broke your heart. How can he be this happy without you?
Yes. Yes, we are. Me and Soojin are together.
Even if your back was facing the tv, you can feel the smile that graced his beautiful features. And it hurt so much that that smile was not because of you.
Are your friends, especially your fellow former members aware of this?
After the lawsuit, things became unstable for the boys. Especially their future. It became uncertain. Along with the friendship they had built over the years. Suddenly, so very suddenly, their group were divided, 3;2, Jaejoong, Junsu, Yoochun and Yunho, Changmin. JYJ and Homin. As much as they never wanted such thing to happen, it broke their heart more than anything to see their eight, nine in Yunjae’s case, years of friendship go to waste like that, but it was inevitable. Especially because their communication got cut off out of the blue.
Eventually though. When Yunho and Changmin were finally free from SM’s grasps, the five of them managed to rekindle their bond. It wasn’t like before, but they were getting there.
Of course.
Really? We’re happy for you two. But ah, Jaejoong-shi, there is something else we are curious about, do you mind if we ask you and Soojin-shi another question?
Go ahead.
Is that shining thing on Soojin-shi’s left ring finger an engagement ring?
Silence.
You felt your heart on the edge, ready to shatter any minute now. Your body tensed up, waiting for the answer.
Yes.
The spoon you were holding fell from your grasp. The sound of metal hitting the marble counter resonating through out the apartment.
You felt like the world had just crashed down on you, and your heart fell down to the ground.
That monosyllabic word felt like it just shattered your whole being, smashing every dream you’ve ever heard, every feeling you have conjured in your fragile little heart.
You whirled around, looking at his face, staring almost searchingly for something. Something that can tell you it wasn’t true, that he was just kidding. That he wasn’t getting married. Just no. God, please no. But to no avail.
They said you were leavin'
Someone's swept your heart away
From the look upon your face, I see it's true
You felt yourself crumble into pieces, slowly sliding down to the kitchen floor.
His voice continued to drone in the background, he was saying how Soojin wanted to settle down in Paris, and that they were going to do just that. In fact, they were holding the wedding there.
Paris? You thought bitterly. Why does it have to be there, Jaejoong? Why does it have to happen in OUR place?
~When they were still Dong Bang Shin Ki, all five of them, it wouldn’t take a genius to tell that there really was something going between the two oldest members. The attraction was really there, hence their worldwide Yunjae Fan base. As far as the two were concerned, the feelings were mutual. And that was just it, a mutual understanding between the two of them. A few hugs here and there, a few hidden pecks on the cheeks and lips when they were alone, sometimes they managed to sneak off to dates. But that was it. They were together, but not really together together. They never voiced out their feelings, afraid that it would only turn the matter into something more serious. They were aware of the prying eyes, of the close-minded people that were around them, of their family and friends that they knew wouldn’t approve, and so they never were something official. No matter what hardcore Yunjae fans said; and no matter how Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin, their self-proclaimed children, argued.
But then things got out of hand, and before they knew it, they lost communication and perhaps the mutual understanding as well. They never had the proper closure, well they didn’t exactly have a proper relationship to begin with but somehow when Yunho heard that Jaejoong started dating, he, being stubborn and wanting to keep his pride and strong facade (hiding the hurt and pain in his heart), refused to admit his real feelings and therefore started dating other people as well.
When Yunho thought about it, maybe it would have been better if they made it official. If they really became lovers, they would have been in a commitment and it wouldn’t have been that easy to break that something, that spark, that connection between them,but then again, it would have had hurt more than it already did. If what they had made his heart ache like that, then he can’t imagine how he must have felt had he and Jaejoong been in a real relationship. He would have felt like dying, that’s for sure. He knew Jaejoong hurt as much as him, of that he was sure. He can tell just by simply looking at Jaejoong’s facial expressions, especially when Jaejoong started drinking by himself, began to compose songs that hit Yunho straight in the heart, began to pour his heart out in those tweets he posted. Jaejoong was broken as much as he was, that was a proven fact.
And so for that reason, he knew that what they had, no matter how unstable and unofficial, wasn’t just a joke, wasn’t something that they had just to pass some time. So when the five of them communicated again, began hanging out together just like before, he wanted to take a chance. He wanted to ask Jaejoong officially, and see where they go from there. But Jaejoong started introducing them to people he dated, and Yunho got the message so clear that it hurt. Jaejoong moved on and he wasn’t interested in him anymore. The spark, connection or whatever they had, no matter how strongly Yunho felt, Jaejoong wasn’t feeling it anymore. Their mutual understanding wasn’t exactly mutual no more.
And so Yunho tried to move on as well. Tried to get used to the fact that Jaejoong could only be a friend, best friend the least. But that was the thing, he couldn’t do it. Every time Jaejoong brought someone, he tried to hide the ache he felt in his chest, but couldn’t so he’d end up leaving earlier than usual. He also tried dating other people and sometimes introduced them to Jaejoong too, and when he sees something flash in Jaejoong’s eyes, a flash of regret, hurt or jealousy, his heart couldn’t help but feel a slight bit of hope.~
Before you knew it, you were on your way to his apartment, you didn’t know how you managed to drive with your shaking hands, all you knew was that you wanted to hear the truth from him
You arrived at his doorstep and took a shuddering breath to calm your nerves. You pressed the door bell, and heard his familiar faint voice
“Coming!”
You braced yourself for what was to come next. This is it, the moment that could either break or make you.
He opened the door, and you registered the surprised look on his face. You saw something flash in his eyes ‘was that guilt you just saw?’
You both stared at each other wordlessly for a while. You took in how he looked, clad in his dark blue hoodie and gray sweatpants, but still looking beautiful as ever.
You smiled, and he smiled back, taking a step backwards to let you in.
You entered, and almost cringed because the apartment smelled like his scent mixed with hers. Your eyes searched the place, taking note of the random boxes around, boxes he was slowly packing his things into.
You followed him to the living room where you found him, sitting on the floor Indian-style, things all around him and on the coffee table. A box was situated near, where you assumed all those stuff was going to be placed.
He started putting what looked like magazines on top of one another into a pile and you briefly wondered why he would need those kind of things with him. You walked nearer and that’s when you realized those magazines weren’t just magazines, they were magazines of the five of you, of Dong Bang Shin Ki. You looked around, and indeed, everything in the living room, were DBSK memorabilia, from fan gifts, to posters, to pictures, to dvds and albums; everything screamed Dong Bang Shin Ki.
Nostalgia filled your senses as you remembered your happy days. Those times when it was just you and him and your three kids. Those times when you can hug him all you want, and feel that for a brief moment, he was yours, only yours. Those times that can’t be brought back no matter how hard you try anymore.
Before you could even voice out your thoughts, he spoke and you snapped your head up to look at him.
“So, I take it you heard the news?”
You nodded, walking to sit on the couch behind him, careful to step on a pile of cds on the floor.
“So, you’re really leaving, huh?” your voice turned out raspy and you wanted to hit yourself right then and there for sounding so fragile
He froze for a second, and if you weren’t focusing all your attention on him you were sure you wouldn’t have noticed.
He gulped visibly before taking a deep breath “Y-Yeah . Soojin-”
Hearing her name come out of his mouth, everything in you broke loose and so you couldn’t help but interrupt him.
“W-What about us?”
Again. He froze, the cds in his hands pausing above the box, “What about us?”
“Dammit Jae! You know what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend like you don’t know anything”
His body tensed and you know you’ve hit a nerve
“There was never ‘us’ to begin with Yunho” he said coldly, resuming his packing
No matter how true that statement was, it didn’t fail to give your heart a painful squeeze
I didn't come here for cryin'
Didn't come here to break down
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end
Your dream used to consist of a prosperous career then enough savings for your wife and twenty-five children after you retire. But everything changed and now your future only consisted of Jaejoong-
“Is this really the end?” and dammit, why did your voice have to break like that?
You saw him start to shake, a sign he was fighting back his tears
“Dammit Yunho, I don’t want to talk about this. N-no. Just No. “ he took a shuddering breath “Please. Let’s just leave it as it is”
You felt the desperation in his voice. But you were just as desperate.
“Jae- Jaejoong…” you breathed out, barely managing to keep your emotions in tact
“I- I cant just let you leave like this. I-”
“ Yun…” You saw him clutch a page of an opened magazine to his chest and assumed it was probably a picture of you five, because Jaejoong still was the umma of the group, and you were still the appa, and Yoosumin were still the kids. And you were still a family, but by leaving, you knew that Jaejoong knew this was going to tear your family apart (and just when everything was getting alright again)
And how can I blame you
When I build my world around
The hope that one day we'd be so much more than friends
You took a long deep breath. It was now or never.
“I had always wanted you Jaejoong. I had always liked you more than a friend should. Somewhere along the way, I knew I had fallen in love with you, fallen so hard I wasn’t even aware I could love as much” you whispered inaudibly, finally putting into words what you actually felt ever since long ago
You saw him froze. This time longer, his movements stopped altogether and maybe his breathing as well. Silence reigned in the whole apartment, and you felt your heart triple its pace inside your chest, the love you had for him wanting to burst out, to explode…
“Please don’t make this harder than it already is…”
You felt the disappointment in his tone. And your world just doubled over, crashing over everything that shattered earlier. You felt your stomach feel sick as a lot of thoughts entered your mind, mainly thoughts of his rejection, of his future departure, of how your life was going to be once he leaves for good.
Tell me how am I suppose to live without you?
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
“Then tell me what to do, Jae! Tell me what to feel, tell me- tell me anything” You began to feel frustrated and hurt and confused all at the same time, your voice softening at the end of your sentence
“You know this is wrong. We both know this is wrong. What we had was wrong. Everything’s wrong Yunho.. God, why do you have to fuck everything up?!” you saw tears come out from his eyes and you urged yourself not to cry anytime soon too
You weren’t going to give anything up just like this. If what you had wasn’t taken for granted at all then the least you could get was a formal closure.
“I’m not trying to fuck anything up Jaejoong! I just wanted to tell you what I felt. I-”
“You’re a few years late already don’t you think? And what do you mean? What we had wasn’t something to be taken seriously. We were teenagers Yunho, we weren’t at the right age. We acted without thinking. We let emotions take over everything and let it overwhelm our logic. We were being irrational, Yunho. Reckless.”
You felt your insides turn as you hear those words come out from his mouth. So what you had didn’t mean anything to him at all? Wow, it was amazing how you can still manage to breath, what with your heart feeling so heavy and your whole being burning with anger and pain.
You wanted to scream and yell and trash around but suddenly you felt your energy draining, the determination of getting some sense into Jaejoong, the will to get him back slowly slipping away as you saw how firm he was in this decision he made.
“So that’s it? All those hug and kisses, those touches and the years we spent together didn’t mean anything at all to you?” you took a shaky breath, your emotions threatening to take over your better sense
He turned around to look at you and your heart clenched in pain as you saw how he looked. He looked helpless, and hurt. Almost broken. Guilty.
He crawled so that he was on his knees right in front of you, his hands on your lap while your own hands clutched the edge of the sofa so tightly that your knuckles turned white. You felt him shaking with emotions, and stared at his face searchingly, looking for a sign, anything-anything that can console your wrecked heart
“Y-Yunho that’s not it” he began shakily, his lips quivering “I- I seriously felt that something between us too. When it disappeared, when we broke apart, I was devastated more than anything. But Yunho, I thought about it and maybe that was all there is to it. Maybe we just both needed each other to hold on to. For the time being. You know, we can’t be together the way you want us to. I’ve been selfish all my life, now I want to do something right. Let me do something right, this time. We cant do this Yun- our families and friends- we cant do this to them. I don’t wanna hurt them, I cant stand seeing them hurt because of us..of me- and Soojin… ”
“Do you love her?”
There was a really long pause. A very long painful silence.
He didn’t say anything but the look in his eyes said enough. Those beautiful big doe-eyes that mesmerized you all the time stared back at you with tears, but burned with so much emotions, of guilt and regret and pain.
And you knew the answer right away.
You nodded in understanding. You blinked, swallowing the painful lump past your throat. Wrong move though, as it only made your tears fall down your face.
“Alright” you rasped out. “Alright fine.”
He stood up trying to hug you but you refused, shaking your head ‘no’. He stared at you, feeling hurt at the cold reaction but you didn’t feel bad for doing that, that pain wasn’t anything compared to what you were feeling. Of having someone so close to you but knowing you can’t have them. Of that constant longing and jealousy but being fully aware that you didn’t have any right to. Of that gnawing feeling in your chest, that painful squeezing of your heart at the thought that when all you can do is miss him, think of him, love him, he doesn’t even spare a thought about you because his mind is pre occupied with someone else.
Every thought you had about the happy future you wanted to have with him shattered right in front of your eyes, right there when he looked at you with all honesty and told you that yes, he was in love, very much so, but not with you, never with you. The future that you frequently thought about just seems too far away now, much too far away to reach and you’re tired, so very tired, too tired of loving, of waiting, of hoping, that you don’t even have the energy to chase it back anymore.
You never knew that loving someone this much could be very exhausting and draining. He might as well just have ripped the heart right out of your chest and you were sure that would have hurt less than how you feel at the moment.
He stood in front of you, just looking at you as if telling you
‘Yunho, understand. Please..please understand..’
Was this how it felt when you feel like nothing in this world was worth it anymore? If it was this painful to love someone, then maybe you had loved too much. This pain was so overwhelming, so unbearable.
“I love you so much” you declared, still crying silently
“I love you so much, it’s not even funny anymore. I’ll love you much more than she ever can…more than she ever will.” You choked out, staring right at his eyes “ They say that with love comes pain, but dammit, maybe I loved you too much.” You paused, taking a shuddering breath “Because my heart is in so much pain Jaejoong, I can’t even breathe.”
You saw all his defenses break and he crouched down on the floor suddenly, hugging his knees and sobbing his heart out. You wanted to hug him, comfort him, tell him it was going to be okay but you held yourself back for you knew you didn’t have the right to do that and because it wasn’t okay. It will never be okay.
“Don’t worry. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. I guess it was always there. Heck, even the fans practically shoved that fact into our faces. But maybe you’re right. Maybe we have already let our moment pass. But before I let you go, I just wanted you to know how I felt. I guess this is what we can call the closure we never really had.”
You’re giving up; you’re finally finally admitting defeat.
He attempted to say something, still shaking because of his tears and emotions, but you cut him off, not wanting to hear whatever he was gonna say because you know it will only hurt you more
“Don’t worry Jae. Eventually I’ll be able to smile at you again one day. I’ll be able to hear your name and be happy at the same time.”
You bent down and placed a lingering kiss on his forehead, probably the last one you will ever give him; then walked away to the front door. You chanced one last look at him and then with another deep breath, walked out the door.
Out of the corner of your eyes, you saw him still on the floor, crying his eyes out and watching you walk away, not making any effort to move and stop you from saying Goodbye, you can see him mumble the words ‘I’m sorry’ though. But sorry wont cut it this time. Your heart was far too much scarred you’re afraid it wont be able to function normally again.
“Jae-” you call out and his head snaps to your direction, his puffy and red eyes noticeable even from a distance
“Can you do me one last favor though before I go?”
He doesn’t say anything and just waits for you to finish whatever you wanted to say
“Can you please take care of my heart? It may be broken and shattered to pieces by now, but it’s still yours. I know you’ll be taking it wherever you go”
And then you closed the door before he could do as much as even react
One day, you’ll be able to be happy and forget about him too.
Someday… One day…Eventually…
…But until then,
Jaejoong-ah, Saranghae
Somewhere in the living room you had just left, a page of a magazine lay open, one that had the picture of you and your love, two drops of tears from two different people lay right at the center, almost forming a heart; almost uniting as one. Almost. But of course, almost doesn’t count.
How am I supposed to live without you?
And how am I supposed to carry on?
When all that I've been livin' for is gone
A/N: I really tried to portray their emotions and tried to be as realistic as possible. I feel awful for posting something like this when its just a few days after Christmas and a few days before New Year but ah, I'm willing to make a compromise. I'm going to do a sequel, if you guys leave me comments XD (no seriously, i've already thought about the plot, but your comments will serve as my encouragement ^.^)
Tell me what you think ok? :)
