(no subject)
i haven't done this in a while. things are really different from when i'd come on here everyday and write to complain about school and drama and things i did that day and rants about band. i guess thats when things were easy enough to complain about that kind of stuff. i dont know
im still not really sure why i decided to write something on here again. i think it might be because i'm lonely. i have awesome/supportive friends/family, a hot loving boyfriend, all the good stuff. but then again thats all thousands of miles away.
im lonely because i spend the majority of my day sitting in my room. i rarely have human contact outside of the classroom or checking out at the store. my roommate and i get along great but shes really busy with school and we just don't talk that much. its not like its that difficult to make an effort to do that though. i mean, we DO live in the same tiny apartment. its all stuff i have the choice to change, but i'm not really doing it.
sometimes i enjoy the isolation. i practice a lot. i do all of my work. two things i have never done on a regular basis at the same time. which is good. but there have been some days, sometimes days in a row, like on the weekends, where i literally have gone without seeing single human other than myself. that can't be healthy. i should stop that.
i've developed a paranoia about going outside after dark and i'm even scared of going certain places by myself during the day. sunlight helps, and i get a lot of that. i mean, i'll go on a walk at least once a day. it really is beautiful here. i really do love it. i have lost weight, which is something i've ALWAYS struggled with. not like i'm a bodybuilder now, but i'm on my way. to the bodybuilding championships.
if i were living in the dorms it would be different. but i'm not and it's not. and for the first time in my life i don't have a consistent circle of friends to surround myself with. in person that is. and at times its really not that bad.
being up here basically alone, i've realized how much respect i have for certain people. some of them are on here, which is maybe why i'm doing this, to let them know. not going to give examples really. in high school i always had that superiority complex. eh eh i'm and officer, section leader, good musician, pretty girl, senior, i'm better than you eh eh. and it was awesome at the time, really. to tell you the truth, with some people i'm not really over it even now. might never be. but its not like they are huge influences in my life. i just dont like certain people. and i feel bad because in some cases, i can't even give a reason. its probably jealousy but who is going to admit to that? im not that comfortable yet. i guess if i have to point out something ok about it, its that i'm never doing anything or saying anything that affects them. my shit-talk never leaves a tight-knit circle. and i never come in any kind of contact with them. so i'm probably making myself feel guilty over nothing. well. i don't really feel guilty. sue me.
hm. feels kinda good to write this stuff. might become more regular. might not. i have a stricter schedule next semester now that i've finally chosen a major. which is good. i hope all of you that are working on your college things are working hard, because its worth it. don't settle for a school that isn't perfect for you, if you're given other oppurtunities. take the risk. i did (even though i took the safer route first) and although it might not sound like it from what i wrote about, i kind of am having the time of my life. break out and try something new. it feels so damn good. i guess i am having the time of my life. experience, thats what counts. oh, and love. that really really matters. and not just like boyfriend girlfriend kisskisshughug love. and not just for family, friends, people in general. love your life. if thats hard for you, pick one thing about it at a time and find some way to appreciate it. i could say more about this but i dont want to right now. maybe an entry dedicated to that sometime. and trust me that will be worth reading. if there is one thing i've learned up here, its how to love life. in any situation.
hungry, tired, homework. all that stuff. time to go
im still not really sure why i decided to write something on here again. i think it might be because i'm lonely. i have awesome/supportive friends/family, a hot loving boyfriend, all the good stuff. but then again thats all thousands of miles away.
im lonely because i spend the majority of my day sitting in my room. i rarely have human contact outside of the classroom or checking out at the store. my roommate and i get along great but shes really busy with school and we just don't talk that much. its not like its that difficult to make an effort to do that though. i mean, we DO live in the same tiny apartment. its all stuff i have the choice to change, but i'm not really doing it.
sometimes i enjoy the isolation. i practice a lot. i do all of my work. two things i have never done on a regular basis at the same time. which is good. but there have been some days, sometimes days in a row, like on the weekends, where i literally have gone without seeing single human other than myself. that can't be healthy. i should stop that.
i've developed a paranoia about going outside after dark and i'm even scared of going certain places by myself during the day. sunlight helps, and i get a lot of that. i mean, i'll go on a walk at least once a day. it really is beautiful here. i really do love it. i have lost weight, which is something i've ALWAYS struggled with. not like i'm a bodybuilder now, but i'm on my way. to the bodybuilding championships.
if i were living in the dorms it would be different. but i'm not and it's not. and for the first time in my life i don't have a consistent circle of friends to surround myself with. in person that is. and at times its really not that bad.
being up here basically alone, i've realized how much respect i have for certain people. some of them are on here, which is maybe why i'm doing this, to let them know. not going to give examples really. in high school i always had that superiority complex. eh eh i'm and officer, section leader, good musician, pretty girl, senior, i'm better than you eh eh. and it was awesome at the time, really. to tell you the truth, with some people i'm not really over it even now. might never be. but its not like they are huge influences in my life. i just dont like certain people. and i feel bad because in some cases, i can't even give a reason. its probably jealousy but who is going to admit to that? im not that comfortable yet. i guess if i have to point out something ok about it, its that i'm never doing anything or saying anything that affects them. my shit-talk never leaves a tight-knit circle. and i never come in any kind of contact with them. so i'm probably making myself feel guilty over nothing. well. i don't really feel guilty. sue me.
hm. feels kinda good to write this stuff. might become more regular. might not. i have a stricter schedule next semester now that i've finally chosen a major. which is good. i hope all of you that are working on your college things are working hard, because its worth it. don't settle for a school that isn't perfect for you, if you're given other oppurtunities. take the risk. i did (even though i took the safer route first) and although it might not sound like it from what i wrote about, i kind of am having the time of my life. break out and try something new. it feels so damn good. i guess i am having the time of my life. experience, thats what counts. oh, and love. that really really matters. and not just like boyfriend girlfriend kisskisshughug love. and not just for family, friends, people in general. love your life. if thats hard for you, pick one thing about it at a time and find some way to appreciate it. i could say more about this but i dont want to right now. maybe an entry dedicated to that sometime. and trust me that will be worth reading. if there is one thing i've learned up here, its how to love life. in any situation.
hungry, tired, homework. all that stuff. time to go