Dean and Cas - A love story [NC17 - chapter 6/?]
Title: A love story [chapter 6/?]
Authors: kimigirl and doubledgedsword
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Dean knows it's a dream, he knows its not real.... so why does it feel like it means more, and more importantly, why does he wish it was more? And, why, for that matter, does Castiel show up the next moring with a hikey on his neck and angry as hell? If it's not real why does the angel know everything that happened... like he was there?
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
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After he left Dean he found himself the highest mountain he could find and landed down quietly, too quietly. A deadly calm coming over him as the snow and wind blew rapidly around him. And as he stood stone still, his body radiating power something was happening around him. The clouds grew darker and the snow thicker as a blizzard closed in and a deafening clap of thunder broke the silence of the mountain. His anger and pain taking over as he lost control. The storm around him was the result as he finally couldn't keep it in anymore and he turned his head to the sky and let out a scream so full of pain and anguish it would have killed anyone who heard it. It was not his human voice that ripped through the sky on top of the mountain as a bolt of lightening tore the sky in two and sent an avalanche of snow tumbling down the mountain. It was his voice, Castiel the angel, and to anyone who could have actually heard its true sound, it would have broken their hearts. It was pain wrapped in the most beautiful sound imaginable. Because Dean had been right last night, angels could sing. Only it wasn't singing to them. It was their true voices. If you could hear them, if you were one of the special few, then you would know just how incredibly beautiful they sound. And even through his heart break Castiel's pain was music to the mountain. And the storm raged around him.
He was soaked though, his hair plastered to his head and his whole being trembled from the emotion. And then he stopped, and he was silent again, broken, and he knelt down in the snow, the storm above him already lessening as his anger epeed away and all he was left with was the pain, the unimaginable pain. And he cried, really cried, for the first time in his life, alone on top of a mountain Castiel sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks as his body was wracked with the effort of truly crying....
And then everything changed, he was still on his knees, soaked to the bone, shaking violently with his tears streaming down his face. But now he was in a warm quiet hotel room and he almost screamed again when with a strangled sob he realised exactly where he was and what was happening. He was with Dean again, inside his head, inside his dream. And had he been in more of a fit state he would have torn the dream and then the world apart to find who or what was doing this to him. Who was torturing him like this.
He didn't move, he could see Dean laying on the bed, the tv on and a bottle of beer in his hand. And Castiel didn't want to go anywhere near him, just the sight of him made him want to sink into the floor and cease to exist. He stayed where he had landed on his knees sobbing silently now, hoping praying not to draw Dean's attention to him. Though he knew it was already to late, the man had heard when he had sobbed in pain before when he had realised what was happening again.
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Dean fell asleep that night feeling anxious. He had taken every precaution he could think against bad dreams, even going so far as to buy a hot chocolate when he and Sam stopped off for coffee before bed, earning him a raised eyebrow and the sort of look that said Sammy thought he was a freak. Sam had kicked him under the table and told him to mind his own damn business, and at least it wasn't as girly as drinking mocha-choca-ya-ya-da-da-cinnos the way he did. He hadn't eaten cheese all day, because he had heard that caused funny dreams. He had even taken a copy of Busty Asian Beauties with him to the bathroom to make sure sexual frustration wouldn't motivate another weird dream.
Because that's what Dean kept insisting it was - just a stupid dream. Even as he said it to himself, he could see the pain on Castiel's face as though he had just slid a dagger into his heart and twisted it. He felt ashamed of himself, and as he pulled the thin motel blankets over himself (and this time he wore his t-shirt to bed, just in case of any sudden appearances in the morning) and fell himself slip off to sleep far too quickly to be natural.
He wasn't in a bar this time. It felt almost as if he had just rolled over on his crappy motel bed and picked up a beer. The TV was on, and it was some medical comedy. An older, crankier doctor was calling a younger, less masculine doctor by a random girl's name, and Dean laughed. Simple mind, simple pleasures. He decided he'd have to try that trick on Sammy in the future, maybe call him "Francine" or "Betsy". It'd suit him, that was for damn sure.
But then... a sound that tore his heart to pieces. He looked up and saw a very broken looking Cas on the floor, sobbing as though his heart was broken.
"Cas!" Dean said, flinging the covers off him and slamming the beer on the bedside table. He was in front of him in a heartbeat, all stupid ideas about dreams and his own macho prejudice gone in the need to find out what was wrong with his angel, and comfort him. He joined him on the floor and put his hand on Castiel's arm. "Cas, come on man, what's wrong?" he asked, and instantly regretted it. Of course he knew what was wrong... It had been his behaviour, and Cas was back. He had a chance to explain, and he felt his heart skip a grateful beat with joy.
"Cas... Will you let me explain, or are you gonna go all wrath on me again?" he asked, his voice the softest it had been so far. He couldn't help how he felt now. The confusion was gone from his waking hours, and he was comfortable with his feelings once more. He would have groaned with frustration at his seeming bipolar had he not felt so happy just to see the angel again.
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Cas was still trembling when he heard Dean say his name and he felt a spike of pain at the sound. "My name is Castiel" He said in a low dangerous voice. He was never again going to make the mistake of letting this man get too close to him. He had and where had it gotten him? Damn near destroyed thats where. And now he truly had nothing. He had told Dean once before that he had lost everything for nothing. And up until earlier today it hadn't really been true, because he had still had Dean. Now, now he truly had lost it all.
He cringed away from Dean when the man came close to him, he didn't move, he was still on his knees fixed to the spot as his eyes seemed to just go dead the closer Dean got to him. He looked directly at the floor in front of him and stared into his own mind. Trying to escape this dream, willing himself to be back on the mountain, alone and unheard in his pain.
"Don't touch me" He growled when he felt Dean's hand close on his arm and he jerked away from the touch as though it had been painful. The one thing he knew he couldn't handle right now was Dean touching him. And he couldn't let himself give into it. He knew if Dean touched him like he had last night that he would. He would fold like a cheap suit and fall straight into Dean's arms if the man would have him again. And he knew that he couldn't survive that. Another night spent with Dean loving him, knowing that in the morning the real Dean, the Dean he really loved, would be disgusted and sickened by what he'd been made to do in a dream it seemed neither of them could control. He knew if he allowed it to happen again even more of him would die. And he was scared by what he would be reduced to. Zachariah had been right, emotions made him weak and now he had learnt the hard way.
So he would do what he should have done from the very start and push Dean away. Pushing him with all he had and hope it was enough. "There is nothing to explain" He said in a tone so dead and void of emotion it almost cut him never mind how it must have sounded to Dean. And then he looked up, briefly into Dean's eyes, just long enough for his cold blue eyes to lock on to green ones and beg. "Dean" He whispered desperately "Please... please wake up" He needed the man to wake up, needed to get away from him, needed to be anywhere but in the god damned hotel room with Dean so close he could feel his warmth seeping through his soaking wet clothes.
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Dean flinched at the coldness in Castiel's tone. Hoboy... he had royally screwed this one up, hadn't he? He had broken him with his reaction when he had woken up. But he was convinced that he was awake now, and he wanted to make it up to him. "Yeah, your name is Castiel, I know that," Dean said, his voice still soft. "And last night I called you precious, and Cas, and for some reason I insisted on calling you my floor," he added, smiling his easy smile even though he doubted it would do much good. "I remember the dream, Cas. Can we talk about it?"
He didn't remember falling asleep. It had happened too quickly for him to register it. He was crouched down on the floor in his boxers and a white t-shirt, and he was anxious that Cas look at him. Dean was determined not to get scared this time, but he dropped his hand when Cas jerked away from him. "Fuck... Cas, I'm sorry. You caught me by surprise this morning. I didn't know what I was saying. You've gotta believe me."
He looked over Cas and realised he was soaked. He wasn't sure if angels could catch flu, but that crazy swine flu crap was going around, and he figured better safe than sorry. He got to his feet and pulled the blanket off the bed, and made his way back to Cas. "We need to get you out of those clothes, Cas, you'll freeze," he said. He wrapped the blanket around the angel, accidentally brushing his hand against his face as he made sure it was secure. He flinched at the electric feeling filling him once again, and pulled his hand away as though he had been stung.
Unsure if he was doing the right thing, he sat down beside Castiel, and sat down on the floor beside him. He hoped and prayed that Sammy wouldn't chose this moment to pop back into the motel room, and find him in his boxers next to an obviously traumatised angel. He had already had plenty to say about the scene this morning when Dean had woke up in a sticky situation, so to speak, and Dean didn't want to give the rat bastid anything else to wax snark about.
He crossed his legs and rested his arms on his thighs, then turned to look at Cas. His heart fluttered behind his ribcage, and he hated himself for making his angel look so torn. "Don't be like that," he said, his heart sinking. "I have to explain why I freaked out like that, and I have to explain the dream."
His mind seemed to melt the moment Castiel's pleading eyes bored into his. "Wake up?" Dean asked, thoroughly confused. "I am awake..." But then he remembered Cas saying in the dream last night that it wasn't real, it was just a dream, and Dean had wished it would never end. He felt like the floor had tilted wildly underneath him, and he looked at Cas, his eyes wide and shocked.
"Is this a dream?" he whispered. "I don't remember ever fallin' asleep..."
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"I can't do this Dean" He said quietly "and nothing you say here can fix this. Because you're dreaming, and you don't even realise it. You might believe what you say here Dean. But this morning showed me I was foolish to think you would still love me when you were awake and... real. You we're right this morning. It's just a stupid dream to you when you wake up. No matter what it is now and I... I can't live with that Dean. Because for me... all of its real and the more you do to make me love you here, the more it kills me when you don't love me there."
He shrugged off the blanket Dean had wrapped around him and shook his head. In a moment his clothes were dry again, it was easier to dry them than to explain to Dean again that he was an angel not a man and he couldn't get sick. It was also easier to ignore the kindness in the gesture than to be sucked into it. And when he said easier, he must have meant in the long run because right now it was the hardest damn thing he'd ever had to do.
As Dean settled down beside him on the floor he closed his eye's tight and gritted his teeth. Why did Dean have to make this so hard. "You're asleep Dean, I know this because until the moment you fell asleep I was on the top of a mountain in a snow blizzard" He stopped before he added the rest of what he'd been doing on top of a mountain. That was something he didn't need to share with anyone. It was already annoying him how much of him Dean could see.
"Why is this happening Dean?" He asked quietly his eyes still closed. He was determined they would stay closed the rest of the night. He still had not moved, he was kneeling upright as though praying, hands beside him, fists balled. His eyes closed now and head hung. He could just stay like this until Dean woke up and then he'd be free again and this time he would find who was torturing him like this and he would destroy them. He didn't care who or what it was, he would tear them apart in a way he'd never wanted to do to anything before.... Except maybe Zachariah when he had seen what he'd done to Dean in his fathers storage locker.
He stopped that thought straight away as it hurt to much to realise just how long he'd been in love with Dean without realising. God he wished he could go back to the blissful ignorance of two days ago. When he put his attachment to Dean down the fact that he had been the one to pull him from hell and had spent so much time watching over him.
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Dean grimaced. This wasn't right. It was a dream, he could deal with that. He just couldn't deal with Cas talking like this, and feeling like he had torn him apart just by being his usual stupid self. He listened to Cas speak, and became more annoyed with himself with every word. He wished Cas would turn and just... punch him, or slap him, or something, anything to make him feel like he was getting what he deserved. The pain in Castiel's voice was hurting him worse than any physical blow ever could.
"There's a big difference between this dream and the last twenty-four hours, Cas," Dean said, his voice hard and emotional. "I know I'm dreaming now. An' I don't care. It may just be a stupid dream, but when I wake up I'm gonna try not to be stupid. I'm gonna try remember how I feel about you." He looked at the floor, too pissed off to continue. He knew he loved him, knew he wanted him desperately. He just didn't know why he had such a hard time with it when he woke up that morning. He tried to make sense of it in his head.
Cas shucked off the blanket, and Dean frowned. It had only been meant as a kindness. No matter what way he had reacted this morning, he did care about the angel. He looked at Cas, getting angry now when the angel refused to look at him, to the point where he had closed his eyes. "Don't do this, Cas," Dean almost growled. "Man, I know I was a jerk, but now you can't even look at me? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't..." He stopped and sighed.
"I dunno why this is happening," he said in a low mumble. "I wish it wasn't. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I wish a lot of stuff, Cas, but wishing is no good. I wanna make it up to you, and I can't do that if you're just gonna sit here and ignore me. You're stuck in this dream until I wake up, and trust me... I sleep like the dead."
He moved closer to Cas, scooting along the floor until he was a fraction of an inch away from him. Uncaring of an unwelcoming reaction, he put his hand on the back of Castiel's neck and caressed it softly. "Why do you think I was so freaked out this morning?" Dean asked, his tone gentle. "I was lying with you and then my bitch of a brother has to go snap me outta my happy place. I didn't know what was going on, and I was trying to face the... I dunno, the reality of what we had done. I had convinced myself it was a dream until you showed up, and I saw that hickey..." He paused, and laughed quietly. "It's a doozy, ain't it? I was proud of that when I put it on you. Give me another chance, precious... It's what angels are supposed to do, right? Forgive?"
He waited, almost breathless with anticipation.
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Dean grimaced. This wasn't right. It was a dream, he could deal with that. He just couldn't deal with Cas talking like this, and feeling like he had torn him apart just by being his usual stupid self. He listened to Cas speak, and became more annoyed with himself with every word. He wished Cas would turn and just... punch him, or slap him, or something, anything to make him feel like he was getting what he deserved. The pain in Castiel's voice was hurting him worse than any physical blow ever could.
"There's a big difference between this dream and the last twenty-four hours, Cas," Dean said, his voice hard and emotional. "I know I'm dreaming now. An' I don't care. It may just be a stupid dream, but when I wake up I'm gonna try not to be stupid. I'm gonna try remember how I feel about you." He looked at the floor, too pissed off to continue. He knew he loved him, knew he wanted him desperately. He just didn't know why he had such a hard time with it when he woke up that morning. He tried to make sense of it in his head.
Cas shucked off the blanket, and Dean frowned. It had only been meant as a kindness. No matter what way he had reacted this morning, he did care about the angel. He looked at Cas, getting angry now when the angel refused to look at him, to the point where he had closed his eyes. "Don't do this, Cas," Dean almost growled. "Man, I know I was a jerk, but now you can't even look at me? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't..." He stopped and sighed.
"I dunno why this is happening," he said in a low mumble. "I wish it wasn't. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I wish a lot of stuff, Cas, but wishing is no good. I wanna make it up to you, and I can't do that if you're just gonna sit here and ignore me. You're stuck in this dream until I wake up, and trust me... I sleep like the dead."
He moved closer to Cas, scooting along the floor until he was a fraction of an inch away from him. Uncaring of an unwelcoming reaction, he put his hand on the back of Castiel's neck and caressed it softly. "Why do you think I was so freaked out this morning?" Dean asked, his tone gentle. "I was lying with you and then my bitch of a brother has to go snap me outta my happy place. I didn't know what was going on, and I was trying to face the... I dunno, the reality of what we had done. I had convinced myself it was a dream until you showed up, and I saw that hickey..." He paused, and laughed quietly. "It's a doozy, ain't it? I was proud of that when I put it on you. Give me another chance, precious... It's what angels are supposed to do, right? Forgive?"
He waited, almost breathless with anticipation.
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Castiel was doing fine, just fine, at ignoring Dean, at closing himself inside himself. Eye's closed, kneeling in silent prayer and waiting for this nightmare to be over. Just fine...
And he would have continued doing just fine he was sure of it... that was until he felt Dean move closer, felt him reach out and rest a gentle hand on the back of the angels neck. Caressing the muscles softly. Castiel could feel each one of his fingers pressing into him. How warm they felt, how they sent shivers down his neck all the way to his finger tips. He keep this eyes closed but his breath hitched and his lips parted gently with the silent moan that he wouldn't let leave his throat.
The feeling caused Castiel's world to crumble in on him and he felt the walls he had been resolutely building since he had arrived in the quiet hotel room cracking and groaning with each press of Dean's hand.
And then Dean started speaking and although to look at Castiel one could have been fooled into thinking he wasn't hearing any of it by his lack of reaction. Every word hit him with a force that had his mind reeling as he willed himself not to be fooled. This wasn't really Dean speaking, it couldn't be, how could this Dean be the same one from this morning? How could it be...
Castiel wanted to believe this Dean though, god did he ever want to. And maybe that was the reason why his brain started searching desperately for anything that could make sense of all of it. That would make him able to fuse this and last nights Dean together with the one in the bathroom this morning.
The first thing that came to his aching head was the fact that even though he might not understand Dean all the time, he did know him. He knew everything about him in a way that went deeper than just understanding. Castiel knew Dean's soul, he had seen it bared to him in Hell when it had been tortured and broken. And he had watched it slowly start to heal. So there was one thing he knew about Dean. The man had a tendency to freak out, and to run from feelings like it was a life style. He also knew that what had happened between them must have terrified Dean this morning when he woke up. Could that really have been all that had happened today. Had Castiel given him a chance would the real Dean have realised that he really did want this?
It was what Dean was saying to Castiel right now, he could hear his words echoing his thoughts and it made his heart flutter. He wanted so badly to believe it. Needed to believe it, but he was still so scared. "Dean I don't know what to do" He whispered quietly, his eyes still closed. "Tell me what to do"
Without really thinking about it, he reached out the hand closest to Dean and wrapped a strong hand around Dean's upper arm and pulled gently on him. He wanted him closer. He moved Dean until the man was kneeling in front of him on his knees like a mirror image of Castiel. Their body's a few inches apart. Cas could feel Dean's warmth and it make him sigh quietly as his hand feel from Dean's shoulder and went limp by his side once more.
He still couldn't open his eyes, because knew if he did it would all be gone, any tiny scrap of wall left around him would crumble and Dean would have everything of him again like he had the night before. And he still wasn't ready for that. The memories of the day still too painful in his mind. He wanted say something, to ask how Dean knew it was different this time. How he could promise Castiel things in the dream that he couldn't possibly know he would still feel when he woke. All he managed to whisper however went something like... "Did you feel anything for me today when you woke up Dean?"
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Dean swallowed a lump of pain in his throat. He had hurt Cas badly, nearly broken him, and there was this desperate need curling in his gut, a need to fix what he had done and make it all okay. There was no handbook for soothing an angel's ruffled feathers, and Dean didn't know how to cope with a male giving him the cold shoulder AND the silent treatment. With chicks, he just kept his head down and knew better than to ask what was wrong, or better yet, just go out and get some pie and wait for the fuss to die down.
But he was trapped in his own dream with Cas, and he had no way of ducking out for pie; and he felt compelled to fix what was wrong, because it was all his fault. He felt horribly ashamed of his behaviour. It was a horrible emotion, one he normally associated with his time in hell, and that was something he didn't need to think of while he was asleep. God knew he had enough nightmares about that place as it was, he didn't want to tempt whatever was keeping them there.
He kept massaging Castiel's neck, keeping a pressure there that seemed to please him despite his resolutely shut eyes. He had a mad urge to poke them, see if that would make him crack the lids open so he could see those gorgeous blues and make him see how sorry he was.
"Come on, Cas, you have to look at me!" Dean whispered. "That's what you have to do... You have to look at me, because I'll just go freakin' insane if you don't."
He felt a wild thumping in his chest as Cas pulled him closer, and then without warning the contact was broken. He was so close to Cas that he could feel that otherworldly presence that he always associated with him, something that made his radar go 'blip', and told him an angel was close to him.
He had spent the day convincing himself it was just a dream, and he had found himself smack bang in another one, despite his best efforts. He was struggling with the concept that this wasn't just his brain shutting down for the night and throwing random, weird images at him, and that this was as real as it could be between him and Cas. He knew that when he finally awoke he might need time to adjust, and to sort himself out... but Cas was an angel. He had freakin' forever. Surely he could give him a while to make sense of this.
"I did," Dean replied quietly. "And that's what really freaked me out. That's why I was tryin' to kid myself that it was just a dream. I'll know better in the morning. I promise I'll try. That's all I can do. I can try."
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Castiel drew in a deep breath finally when he heard Dean's next words. And he could feel Dean's breath against his face softly. To soft because Dean was still too far away from him. And the distance was suddenly unbearable and it made Castiel ache in ways he hadn't realised possible. He knew he had to open his eyes. He had to give that to Dean, the way the man asked him to look at him. He could hear the pain in Dean's voice, pain caused by him. A pain that could be healed simply by opening his eye's. Was he ready for that? Did he think he could handle what would wash over him at the sight of Dean's green eye's staring back at him? Not even close.
But he did it anyway...
Castiel raised his bowed head and his eyes fluttered open, wide and child like as he locked them onto Dean's. And the depth in them told of just how old Castiel actually was, and just what depth of feeling he was capable of. Something he wasn't sure Dean had ever realised, probably couldn't even fathom.
And what he saw looking back at him made the world stop turning and nothing else in it mattered. Only the man kneeling in front of him looking back at him. And as bad as Castiel was hurting, all he wanted to do was fix the look of pain and worry in Dean's eyes. To help him through this, to show him how to make sense of it, how to accept it, accept Castiel.
"I'm sorry I should have realised how much this would freak you out. I... I just wanted to be with you so badly this morning I didn't give you the time you needed..." He said softly as he continued to stare into his eyes. "but Dean, please..." his voice hitched and he tried to continue more softly "please don't, don't wake up in the morning and run... just... just don't run from me"
He stopped talking, his voice hoarse and his throat dry as he struggled with his emotions. He was still hurting, but just as he knew it would when he opened his eyes. He was allowing himself to believe that maybe, just maybe Dean really could love him still. The real Dean, not just the one in front of him who was sharing this dream with him.
"What do you need me to do Dean.... please tell me?" He asked again. This time however he was asking what Dean needed from him tomorrow, when he woke up, what he needed Cas to do so that the pain of today didn't happen again. Dean said he was going to try, and Castiel would do anything to help him. Anything he could he would.
"I'll do anything Dean just tell me what you need" He murmured as his arm reached out for Dean's hand, the one that wasn't still on the back of his neck. He tangled his fingers in Deans and clung to his hand. And as they intertwined their fingers he felt some of the ache that was consuming his body ease a little. He leaned in then and rested his forehead on the other mans gently and just breathed him in. His eyes fluttering shut again for a moment as he let the scent of Dean wash over him like a drug, before they snapped open again and locked onto Dean's face not wanting to shut him out again now that he'd finally let him back in.
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Dean waited, anxious to see the eyes he was longing for. He breathed a sigh of relief when Cas finally raised his head, and he smiled widely, the smile that crinkled his eyes and brought out his dimples. "Man, you have no idea how good it is just to look into your eyes," Dean said. His smile faltered a little when his eyes locked onto Castiel's and felt the weight of his gaze. Dean was once again reminded of how human and small he was compared to Cas. That stare carried the weight of aeons, and the pain in his heart.
"Jeez, Cas..." Dean said, his voice low and awed. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, that was the last thing I wanted. I was just being stupid and human and..." He hesitated, and raised weary eyes to look at his face. "Aaand I think we've already been over that. Dean Winchester acted like a jerk. Total newsflash, that one." He continued stroking the back of Castiel's neck, soft dark hair tickling his knuckles as his fingers moved rhythmically against his skin.
His heart seemed to tear itself to shreds when he heard the pleading in Castiel's voice. Christ, this was the worst. An angel, a creature so incredible and special that just the sight of his true form would fry Dean's eyeballs out of their sockets, was pleading with him not to hurt him again. He wanted to strangle himself for what he had put Cas through. It wasn't fair, no matter how freaked out he was. He shouldn't have done it, and he couldn't apologise enough.
"Give me a bit of time, Cas... A little while to compose myself." He paused, and added with a wry grin, "And don't pop into the bathroom when I'm cleaning myself off. I was a bit... jumpy. And you may have noticed the way I screamed like a girl. Sam sure as hell did, I haven't heard the end of it all day..." His smile drooped a little, and he gratefully took Castiel's hand. This simple touch was beautiful... it satisfied a deep urge that Dean hadn't even recognised was there. Ah... and now Cas was resting his brow against Dean's, and Dean sighed contentedly. He didn't close his eyes. He just watched Castiel's expression as they were this close.
"Can't believe how gorgeous you are, and I never noticed," Dean said ruefully. His hand slid gently from Castiel's neck to his cheek, mimicking the touch from the dream bar last night, and this time he didn't try to disguise it as a friendly pat. His fingers stroked along the angel's cheekbone and twisted as they traced his jaw. "Have you forgiven me enough to let me kiss you?" Dean asked, some of his old mischief in his voice as he asked, and his easy smile back in place.
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Castiel felt himself finally letting go of the pain, it was impossible to feel it when Dean was smiling at him like that. It made Castiel feel like nothing could ever hurt him again when Dean, his Dean smiled at him like that. And he pulled his head back a little just to look at him. And then he was smiling to, a soft loving smile that filled his eyes. He couldn't help it, Dean did things to him he knew he'd never be able to explain and all the hurt from earlier was pushed deep inside him and he forgave Dean all of it. Because after all, Dean was right, he was an angel, if he couldn't forgive then who could.
He nodded at Dean's words and murmured as he pressed his head to Dean's again. "I can do that" He didn't know how much time Dean needed him to give him, but however much it was Cas would wait for him. "Just tell me when you're ready and I'll be there Dean" He said softly with a serious glint to his eyes. He wanted Dean to know he would wait for him no matter how long it took him to be ok with this. "Just as long as you come back to me" He murmured as he moved his other hand, the one that wasn't tangled with Dean's to rest on Dean's waist. He didn't even notice how he used it to pull Dean closer, he just felt the electric shock he got when there hips met, their thighs moving flush together. And he let out a small whimper.
The memory of Dean completely naked in the bathroom forced it's way across his mind when Dean mentioned he had been cleaning himself when Cas had appeared to him. And it made him hotter than he had any right being in a room that really wasn't exactly well heated. He so badly wanted to see all of Dean, to look on his beauty without the layers of clothes. But he knew that tonight wasn't the right time for that. He didn't want to give Dean any more reason to freak out in the morning than he already would have.
When Dean told him he was gorgeous it made him shiver and he shook his head lightly. "It is just a vessel, you're the beautiful one Dean. If you could only see what I do when I look at you. You would know how amazing you are. You would never doubt it... as I never have, I have always had faith in you Dean. Even when you didn't." He meant every word of it, he had told Dean before that he believed in him, but he knew the man hadn't believed it. Castiel hoped that this time he would.
He simply smiled and nodded at Dean's next question and his stomach did flip flops at the thought of kissing Dean again. He wanted him so badly it hurt. "I forgive you" he whispered with a grin. "I will always forgive you... and that might be the problem in the end" He teased in a tone that was half serious and half affectionate playfulness. "Please Dean... Kiss me"
Part 7a
Authors: kimigirl and doubledgedsword
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Dean knows it's a dream, he knows its not real.... so why does it feel like it means more, and more importantly, why does he wish it was more? And, why, for that matter, does Castiel show up the next moring with a hikey on his neck and angry as hell? If it's not real why does the angel know everything that happened... like he was there?
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
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After he left Dean he found himself the highest mountain he could find and landed down quietly, too quietly. A deadly calm coming over him as the snow and wind blew rapidly around him. And as he stood stone still, his body radiating power something was happening around him. The clouds grew darker and the snow thicker as a blizzard closed in and a deafening clap of thunder broke the silence of the mountain. His anger and pain taking over as he lost control. The storm around him was the result as he finally couldn't keep it in anymore and he turned his head to the sky and let out a scream so full of pain and anguish it would have killed anyone who heard it. It was not his human voice that ripped through the sky on top of the mountain as a bolt of lightening tore the sky in two and sent an avalanche of snow tumbling down the mountain. It was his voice, Castiel the angel, and to anyone who could have actually heard its true sound, it would have broken their hearts. It was pain wrapped in the most beautiful sound imaginable. Because Dean had been right last night, angels could sing. Only it wasn't singing to them. It was their true voices. If you could hear them, if you were one of the special few, then you would know just how incredibly beautiful they sound. And even through his heart break Castiel's pain was music to the mountain. And the storm raged around him.
He was soaked though, his hair plastered to his head and his whole being trembled from the emotion. And then he stopped, and he was silent again, broken, and he knelt down in the snow, the storm above him already lessening as his anger epeed away and all he was left with was the pain, the unimaginable pain. And he cried, really cried, for the first time in his life, alone on top of a mountain Castiel sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks as his body was wracked with the effort of truly crying....
And then everything changed, he was still on his knees, soaked to the bone, shaking violently with his tears streaming down his face. But now he was in a warm quiet hotel room and he almost screamed again when with a strangled sob he realised exactly where he was and what was happening. He was with Dean again, inside his head, inside his dream. And had he been in more of a fit state he would have torn the dream and then the world apart to find who or what was doing this to him. Who was torturing him like this.
He didn't move, he could see Dean laying on the bed, the tv on and a bottle of beer in his hand. And Castiel didn't want to go anywhere near him, just the sight of him made him want to sink into the floor and cease to exist. He stayed where he had landed on his knees sobbing silently now, hoping praying not to draw Dean's attention to him. Though he knew it was already to late, the man had heard when he had sobbed in pain before when he had realised what was happening again.
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Dean fell asleep that night feeling anxious. He had taken every precaution he could think against bad dreams, even going so far as to buy a hot chocolate when he and Sam stopped off for coffee before bed, earning him a raised eyebrow and the sort of look that said Sammy thought he was a freak. Sam had kicked him under the table and told him to mind his own damn business, and at least it wasn't as girly as drinking mocha-choca-ya-ya-da-da-cinnos the way he did. He hadn't eaten cheese all day, because he had heard that caused funny dreams. He had even taken a copy of Busty Asian Beauties with him to the bathroom to make sure sexual frustration wouldn't motivate another weird dream.
Because that's what Dean kept insisting it was - just a stupid dream. Even as he said it to himself, he could see the pain on Castiel's face as though he had just slid a dagger into his heart and twisted it. He felt ashamed of himself, and as he pulled the thin motel blankets over himself (and this time he wore his t-shirt to bed, just in case of any sudden appearances in the morning) and fell himself slip off to sleep far too quickly to be natural.
He wasn't in a bar this time. It felt almost as if he had just rolled over on his crappy motel bed and picked up a beer. The TV was on, and it was some medical comedy. An older, crankier doctor was calling a younger, less masculine doctor by a random girl's name, and Dean laughed. Simple mind, simple pleasures. He decided he'd have to try that trick on Sammy in the future, maybe call him "Francine" or "Betsy". It'd suit him, that was for damn sure.
But then... a sound that tore his heart to pieces. He looked up and saw a very broken looking Cas on the floor, sobbing as though his heart was broken.
"Cas!" Dean said, flinging the covers off him and slamming the beer on the bedside table. He was in front of him in a heartbeat, all stupid ideas about dreams and his own macho prejudice gone in the need to find out what was wrong with his angel, and comfort him. He joined him on the floor and put his hand on Castiel's arm. "Cas, come on man, what's wrong?" he asked, and instantly regretted it. Of course he knew what was wrong... It had been his behaviour, and Cas was back. He had a chance to explain, and he felt his heart skip a grateful beat with joy.
"Cas... Will you let me explain, or are you gonna go all wrath on me again?" he asked, his voice the softest it had been so far. He couldn't help how he felt now. The confusion was gone from his waking hours, and he was comfortable with his feelings once more. He would have groaned with frustration at his seeming bipolar had he not felt so happy just to see the angel again.
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Cas was still trembling when he heard Dean say his name and he felt a spike of pain at the sound. "My name is Castiel" He said in a low dangerous voice. He was never again going to make the mistake of letting this man get too close to him. He had and where had it gotten him? Damn near destroyed thats where. And now he truly had nothing. He had told Dean once before that he had lost everything for nothing. And up until earlier today it hadn't really been true, because he had still had Dean. Now, now he truly had lost it all.
He cringed away from Dean when the man came close to him, he didn't move, he was still on his knees fixed to the spot as his eyes seemed to just go dead the closer Dean got to him. He looked directly at the floor in front of him and stared into his own mind. Trying to escape this dream, willing himself to be back on the mountain, alone and unheard in his pain.
"Don't touch me" He growled when he felt Dean's hand close on his arm and he jerked away from the touch as though it had been painful. The one thing he knew he couldn't handle right now was Dean touching him. And he couldn't let himself give into it. He knew if Dean touched him like he had last night that he would. He would fold like a cheap suit and fall straight into Dean's arms if the man would have him again. And he knew that he couldn't survive that. Another night spent with Dean loving him, knowing that in the morning the real Dean, the Dean he really loved, would be disgusted and sickened by what he'd been made to do in a dream it seemed neither of them could control. He knew if he allowed it to happen again even more of him would die. And he was scared by what he would be reduced to. Zachariah had been right, emotions made him weak and now he had learnt the hard way.
So he would do what he should have done from the very start and push Dean away. Pushing him with all he had and hope it was enough. "There is nothing to explain" He said in a tone so dead and void of emotion it almost cut him never mind how it must have sounded to Dean. And then he looked up, briefly into Dean's eyes, just long enough for his cold blue eyes to lock on to green ones and beg. "Dean" He whispered desperately "Please... please wake up" He needed the man to wake up, needed to get away from him, needed to be anywhere but in the god damned hotel room with Dean so close he could feel his warmth seeping through his soaking wet clothes.
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Dean flinched at the coldness in Castiel's tone. Hoboy... he had royally screwed this one up, hadn't he? He had broken him with his reaction when he had woken up. But he was convinced that he was awake now, and he wanted to make it up to him. "Yeah, your name is Castiel, I know that," Dean said, his voice still soft. "And last night I called you precious, and Cas, and for some reason I insisted on calling you my floor," he added, smiling his easy smile even though he doubted it would do much good. "I remember the dream, Cas. Can we talk about it?"
He didn't remember falling asleep. It had happened too quickly for him to register it. He was crouched down on the floor in his boxers and a white t-shirt, and he was anxious that Cas look at him. Dean was determined not to get scared this time, but he dropped his hand when Cas jerked away from him. "Fuck... Cas, I'm sorry. You caught me by surprise this morning. I didn't know what I was saying. You've gotta believe me."
He looked over Cas and realised he was soaked. He wasn't sure if angels could catch flu, but that crazy swine flu crap was going around, and he figured better safe than sorry. He got to his feet and pulled the blanket off the bed, and made his way back to Cas. "We need to get you out of those clothes, Cas, you'll freeze," he said. He wrapped the blanket around the angel, accidentally brushing his hand against his face as he made sure it was secure. He flinched at the electric feeling filling him once again, and pulled his hand away as though he had been stung.
Unsure if he was doing the right thing, he sat down beside Castiel, and sat down on the floor beside him. He hoped and prayed that Sammy wouldn't chose this moment to pop back into the motel room, and find him in his boxers next to an obviously traumatised angel. He had already had plenty to say about the scene this morning when Dean had woke up in a sticky situation, so to speak, and Dean didn't want to give the rat bastid anything else to wax snark about.
He crossed his legs and rested his arms on his thighs, then turned to look at Cas. His heart fluttered behind his ribcage, and he hated himself for making his angel look so torn. "Don't be like that," he said, his heart sinking. "I have to explain why I freaked out like that, and I have to explain the dream."
His mind seemed to melt the moment Castiel's pleading eyes bored into his. "Wake up?" Dean asked, thoroughly confused. "I am awake..." But then he remembered Cas saying in the dream last night that it wasn't real, it was just a dream, and Dean had wished it would never end. He felt like the floor had tilted wildly underneath him, and he looked at Cas, his eyes wide and shocked.
"Is this a dream?" he whispered. "I don't remember ever fallin' asleep..."
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"I can't do this Dean" He said quietly "and nothing you say here can fix this. Because you're dreaming, and you don't even realise it. You might believe what you say here Dean. But this morning showed me I was foolish to think you would still love me when you were awake and... real. You we're right this morning. It's just a stupid dream to you when you wake up. No matter what it is now and I... I can't live with that Dean. Because for me... all of its real and the more you do to make me love you here, the more it kills me when you don't love me there."
He shrugged off the blanket Dean had wrapped around him and shook his head. In a moment his clothes were dry again, it was easier to dry them than to explain to Dean again that he was an angel not a man and he couldn't get sick. It was also easier to ignore the kindness in the gesture than to be sucked into it. And when he said easier, he must have meant in the long run because right now it was the hardest damn thing he'd ever had to do.
As Dean settled down beside him on the floor he closed his eye's tight and gritted his teeth. Why did Dean have to make this so hard. "You're asleep Dean, I know this because until the moment you fell asleep I was on the top of a mountain in a snow blizzard" He stopped before he added the rest of what he'd been doing on top of a mountain. That was something he didn't need to share with anyone. It was already annoying him how much of him Dean could see.
"Why is this happening Dean?" He asked quietly his eyes still closed. He was determined they would stay closed the rest of the night. He still had not moved, he was kneeling upright as though praying, hands beside him, fists balled. His eyes closed now and head hung. He could just stay like this until Dean woke up and then he'd be free again and this time he would find who was torturing him like this and he would destroy them. He didn't care who or what it was, he would tear them apart in a way he'd never wanted to do to anything before.... Except maybe Zachariah when he had seen what he'd done to Dean in his fathers storage locker.
He stopped that thought straight away as it hurt to much to realise just how long he'd been in love with Dean without realising. God he wished he could go back to the blissful ignorance of two days ago. When he put his attachment to Dean down the fact that he had been the one to pull him from hell and had spent so much time watching over him.
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Dean grimaced. This wasn't right. It was a dream, he could deal with that. He just couldn't deal with Cas talking like this, and feeling like he had torn him apart just by being his usual stupid self. He listened to Cas speak, and became more annoyed with himself with every word. He wished Cas would turn and just... punch him, or slap him, or something, anything to make him feel like he was getting what he deserved. The pain in Castiel's voice was hurting him worse than any physical blow ever could.
"There's a big difference between this dream and the last twenty-four hours, Cas," Dean said, his voice hard and emotional. "I know I'm dreaming now. An' I don't care. It may just be a stupid dream, but when I wake up I'm gonna try not to be stupid. I'm gonna try remember how I feel about you." He looked at the floor, too pissed off to continue. He knew he loved him, knew he wanted him desperately. He just didn't know why he had such a hard time with it when he woke up that morning. He tried to make sense of it in his head.
Cas shucked off the blanket, and Dean frowned. It had only been meant as a kindness. No matter what way he had reacted this morning, he did care about the angel. He looked at Cas, getting angry now when the angel refused to look at him, to the point where he had closed his eyes. "Don't do this, Cas," Dean almost growled. "Man, I know I was a jerk, but now you can't even look at me? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't..." He stopped and sighed.
"I dunno why this is happening," he said in a low mumble. "I wish it wasn't. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I wish a lot of stuff, Cas, but wishing is no good. I wanna make it up to you, and I can't do that if you're just gonna sit here and ignore me. You're stuck in this dream until I wake up, and trust me... I sleep like the dead."
He moved closer to Cas, scooting along the floor until he was a fraction of an inch away from him. Uncaring of an unwelcoming reaction, he put his hand on the back of Castiel's neck and caressed it softly. "Why do you think I was so freaked out this morning?" Dean asked, his tone gentle. "I was lying with you and then my bitch of a brother has to go snap me outta my happy place. I didn't know what was going on, and I was trying to face the... I dunno, the reality of what we had done. I had convinced myself it was a dream until you showed up, and I saw that hickey..." He paused, and laughed quietly. "It's a doozy, ain't it? I was proud of that when I put it on you. Give me another chance, precious... It's what angels are supposed to do, right? Forgive?"
He waited, almost breathless with anticipation.
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Dean grimaced. This wasn't right. It was a dream, he could deal with that. He just couldn't deal with Cas talking like this, and feeling like he had torn him apart just by being his usual stupid self. He listened to Cas speak, and became more annoyed with himself with every word. He wished Cas would turn and just... punch him, or slap him, or something, anything to make him feel like he was getting what he deserved. The pain in Castiel's voice was hurting him worse than any physical blow ever could.
"There's a big difference between this dream and the last twenty-four hours, Cas," Dean said, his voice hard and emotional. "I know I'm dreaming now. An' I don't care. It may just be a stupid dream, but when I wake up I'm gonna try not to be stupid. I'm gonna try remember how I feel about you." He looked at the floor, too pissed off to continue. He knew he loved him, knew he wanted him desperately. He just didn't know why he had such a hard time with it when he woke up that morning. He tried to make sense of it in his head.
Cas shucked off the blanket, and Dean frowned. It had only been meant as a kindness. No matter what way he had reacted this morning, he did care about the angel. He looked at Cas, getting angry now when the angel refused to look at him, to the point where he had closed his eyes. "Don't do this, Cas," Dean almost growled. "Man, I know I was a jerk, but now you can't even look at me? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't..." He stopped and sighed.
"I dunno why this is happening," he said in a low mumble. "I wish it wasn't. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I wish a lot of stuff, Cas, but wishing is no good. I wanna make it up to you, and I can't do that if you're just gonna sit here and ignore me. You're stuck in this dream until I wake up, and trust me... I sleep like the dead."
He moved closer to Cas, scooting along the floor until he was a fraction of an inch away from him. Uncaring of an unwelcoming reaction, he put his hand on the back of Castiel's neck and caressed it softly. "Why do you think I was so freaked out this morning?" Dean asked, his tone gentle. "I was lying with you and then my bitch of a brother has to go snap me outta my happy place. I didn't know what was going on, and I was trying to face the... I dunno, the reality of what we had done. I had convinced myself it was a dream until you showed up, and I saw that hickey..." He paused, and laughed quietly. "It's a doozy, ain't it? I was proud of that when I put it on you. Give me another chance, precious... It's what angels are supposed to do, right? Forgive?"
He waited, almost breathless with anticipation.
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Castiel was doing fine, just fine, at ignoring Dean, at closing himself inside himself. Eye's closed, kneeling in silent prayer and waiting for this nightmare to be over. Just fine...
And he would have continued doing just fine he was sure of it... that was until he felt Dean move closer, felt him reach out and rest a gentle hand on the back of the angels neck. Caressing the muscles softly. Castiel could feel each one of his fingers pressing into him. How warm they felt, how they sent shivers down his neck all the way to his finger tips. He keep this eyes closed but his breath hitched and his lips parted gently with the silent moan that he wouldn't let leave his throat.
The feeling caused Castiel's world to crumble in on him and he felt the walls he had been resolutely building since he had arrived in the quiet hotel room cracking and groaning with each press of Dean's hand.
And then Dean started speaking and although to look at Castiel one could have been fooled into thinking he wasn't hearing any of it by his lack of reaction. Every word hit him with a force that had his mind reeling as he willed himself not to be fooled. This wasn't really Dean speaking, it couldn't be, how could this Dean be the same one from this morning? How could it be...
Castiel wanted to believe this Dean though, god did he ever want to. And maybe that was the reason why his brain started searching desperately for anything that could make sense of all of it. That would make him able to fuse this and last nights Dean together with the one in the bathroom this morning.
The first thing that came to his aching head was the fact that even though he might not understand Dean all the time, he did know him. He knew everything about him in a way that went deeper than just understanding. Castiel knew Dean's soul, he had seen it bared to him in Hell when it had been tortured and broken. And he had watched it slowly start to heal. So there was one thing he knew about Dean. The man had a tendency to freak out, and to run from feelings like it was a life style. He also knew that what had happened between them must have terrified Dean this morning when he woke up. Could that really have been all that had happened today. Had Castiel given him a chance would the real Dean have realised that he really did want this?
It was what Dean was saying to Castiel right now, he could hear his words echoing his thoughts and it made his heart flutter. He wanted so badly to believe it. Needed to believe it, but he was still so scared. "Dean I don't know what to do" He whispered quietly, his eyes still closed. "Tell me what to do"
Without really thinking about it, he reached out the hand closest to Dean and wrapped a strong hand around Dean's upper arm and pulled gently on him. He wanted him closer. He moved Dean until the man was kneeling in front of him on his knees like a mirror image of Castiel. Their body's a few inches apart. Cas could feel Dean's warmth and it make him sigh quietly as his hand feel from Dean's shoulder and went limp by his side once more.
He still couldn't open his eyes, because knew if he did it would all be gone, any tiny scrap of wall left around him would crumble and Dean would have everything of him again like he had the night before. And he still wasn't ready for that. The memories of the day still too painful in his mind. He wanted say something, to ask how Dean knew it was different this time. How he could promise Castiel things in the dream that he couldn't possibly know he would still feel when he woke. All he managed to whisper however went something like... "Did you feel anything for me today when you woke up Dean?"
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Dean swallowed a lump of pain in his throat. He had hurt Cas badly, nearly broken him, and there was this desperate need curling in his gut, a need to fix what he had done and make it all okay. There was no handbook for soothing an angel's ruffled feathers, and Dean didn't know how to cope with a male giving him the cold shoulder AND the silent treatment. With chicks, he just kept his head down and knew better than to ask what was wrong, or better yet, just go out and get some pie and wait for the fuss to die down.
But he was trapped in his own dream with Cas, and he had no way of ducking out for pie; and he felt compelled to fix what was wrong, because it was all his fault. He felt horribly ashamed of his behaviour. It was a horrible emotion, one he normally associated with his time in hell, and that was something he didn't need to think of while he was asleep. God knew he had enough nightmares about that place as it was, he didn't want to tempt whatever was keeping them there.
He kept massaging Castiel's neck, keeping a pressure there that seemed to please him despite his resolutely shut eyes. He had a mad urge to poke them, see if that would make him crack the lids open so he could see those gorgeous blues and make him see how sorry he was.
"Come on, Cas, you have to look at me!" Dean whispered. "That's what you have to do... You have to look at me, because I'll just go freakin' insane if you don't."
He felt a wild thumping in his chest as Cas pulled him closer, and then without warning the contact was broken. He was so close to Cas that he could feel that otherworldly presence that he always associated with him, something that made his radar go 'blip', and told him an angel was close to him.
He had spent the day convincing himself it was just a dream, and he had found himself smack bang in another one, despite his best efforts. He was struggling with the concept that this wasn't just his brain shutting down for the night and throwing random, weird images at him, and that this was as real as it could be between him and Cas. He knew that when he finally awoke he might need time to adjust, and to sort himself out... but Cas was an angel. He had freakin' forever. Surely he could give him a while to make sense of this.
"I did," Dean replied quietly. "And that's what really freaked me out. That's why I was tryin' to kid myself that it was just a dream. I'll know better in the morning. I promise I'll try. That's all I can do. I can try."
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Castiel drew in a deep breath finally when he heard Dean's next words. And he could feel Dean's breath against his face softly. To soft because Dean was still too far away from him. And the distance was suddenly unbearable and it made Castiel ache in ways he hadn't realised possible. He knew he had to open his eyes. He had to give that to Dean, the way the man asked him to look at him. He could hear the pain in Dean's voice, pain caused by him. A pain that could be healed simply by opening his eye's. Was he ready for that? Did he think he could handle what would wash over him at the sight of Dean's green eye's staring back at him? Not even close.
But he did it anyway...
Castiel raised his bowed head and his eyes fluttered open, wide and child like as he locked them onto Dean's. And the depth in them told of just how old Castiel actually was, and just what depth of feeling he was capable of. Something he wasn't sure Dean had ever realised, probably couldn't even fathom.
And what he saw looking back at him made the world stop turning and nothing else in it mattered. Only the man kneeling in front of him looking back at him. And as bad as Castiel was hurting, all he wanted to do was fix the look of pain and worry in Dean's eyes. To help him through this, to show him how to make sense of it, how to accept it, accept Castiel.
"I'm sorry I should have realised how much this would freak you out. I... I just wanted to be with you so badly this morning I didn't give you the time you needed..." He said softly as he continued to stare into his eyes. "but Dean, please..." his voice hitched and he tried to continue more softly "please don't, don't wake up in the morning and run... just... just don't run from me"
He stopped talking, his voice hoarse and his throat dry as he struggled with his emotions. He was still hurting, but just as he knew it would when he opened his eyes. He was allowing himself to believe that maybe, just maybe Dean really could love him still. The real Dean, not just the one in front of him who was sharing this dream with him.
"What do you need me to do Dean.... please tell me?" He asked again. This time however he was asking what Dean needed from him tomorrow, when he woke up, what he needed Cas to do so that the pain of today didn't happen again. Dean said he was going to try, and Castiel would do anything to help him. Anything he could he would.
"I'll do anything Dean just tell me what you need" He murmured as his arm reached out for Dean's hand, the one that wasn't still on the back of his neck. He tangled his fingers in Deans and clung to his hand. And as they intertwined their fingers he felt some of the ache that was consuming his body ease a little. He leaned in then and rested his forehead on the other mans gently and just breathed him in. His eyes fluttering shut again for a moment as he let the scent of Dean wash over him like a drug, before they snapped open again and locked onto Dean's face not wanting to shut him out again now that he'd finally let him back in.
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Dean waited, anxious to see the eyes he was longing for. He breathed a sigh of relief when Cas finally raised his head, and he smiled widely, the smile that crinkled his eyes and brought out his dimples. "Man, you have no idea how good it is just to look into your eyes," Dean said. His smile faltered a little when his eyes locked onto Castiel's and felt the weight of his gaze. Dean was once again reminded of how human and small he was compared to Cas. That stare carried the weight of aeons, and the pain in his heart.
"Jeez, Cas..." Dean said, his voice low and awed. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, that was the last thing I wanted. I was just being stupid and human and..." He hesitated, and raised weary eyes to look at his face. "Aaand I think we've already been over that. Dean Winchester acted like a jerk. Total newsflash, that one." He continued stroking the back of Castiel's neck, soft dark hair tickling his knuckles as his fingers moved rhythmically against his skin.
His heart seemed to tear itself to shreds when he heard the pleading in Castiel's voice. Christ, this was the worst. An angel, a creature so incredible and special that just the sight of his true form would fry Dean's eyeballs out of their sockets, was pleading with him not to hurt him again. He wanted to strangle himself for what he had put Cas through. It wasn't fair, no matter how freaked out he was. He shouldn't have done it, and he couldn't apologise enough.
"Give me a bit of time, Cas... A little while to compose myself." He paused, and added with a wry grin, "And don't pop into the bathroom when I'm cleaning myself off. I was a bit... jumpy. And you may have noticed the way I screamed like a girl. Sam sure as hell did, I haven't heard the end of it all day..." His smile drooped a little, and he gratefully took Castiel's hand. This simple touch was beautiful... it satisfied a deep urge that Dean hadn't even recognised was there. Ah... and now Cas was resting his brow against Dean's, and Dean sighed contentedly. He didn't close his eyes. He just watched Castiel's expression as they were this close.
"Can't believe how gorgeous you are, and I never noticed," Dean said ruefully. His hand slid gently from Castiel's neck to his cheek, mimicking the touch from the dream bar last night, and this time he didn't try to disguise it as a friendly pat. His fingers stroked along the angel's cheekbone and twisted as they traced his jaw. "Have you forgiven me enough to let me kiss you?" Dean asked, some of his old mischief in his voice as he asked, and his easy smile back in place.
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Castiel felt himself finally letting go of the pain, it was impossible to feel it when Dean was smiling at him like that. It made Castiel feel like nothing could ever hurt him again when Dean, his Dean smiled at him like that. And he pulled his head back a little just to look at him. And then he was smiling to, a soft loving smile that filled his eyes. He couldn't help it, Dean did things to him he knew he'd never be able to explain and all the hurt from earlier was pushed deep inside him and he forgave Dean all of it. Because after all, Dean was right, he was an angel, if he couldn't forgive then who could.
He nodded at Dean's words and murmured as he pressed his head to Dean's again. "I can do that" He didn't know how much time Dean needed him to give him, but however much it was Cas would wait for him. "Just tell me when you're ready and I'll be there Dean" He said softly with a serious glint to his eyes. He wanted Dean to know he would wait for him no matter how long it took him to be ok with this. "Just as long as you come back to me" He murmured as he moved his other hand, the one that wasn't tangled with Dean's to rest on Dean's waist. He didn't even notice how he used it to pull Dean closer, he just felt the electric shock he got when there hips met, their thighs moving flush together. And he let out a small whimper.
The memory of Dean completely naked in the bathroom forced it's way across his mind when Dean mentioned he had been cleaning himself when Cas had appeared to him. And it made him hotter than he had any right being in a room that really wasn't exactly well heated. He so badly wanted to see all of Dean, to look on his beauty without the layers of clothes. But he knew that tonight wasn't the right time for that. He didn't want to give Dean any more reason to freak out in the morning than he already would have.
When Dean told him he was gorgeous it made him shiver and he shook his head lightly. "It is just a vessel, you're the beautiful one Dean. If you could only see what I do when I look at you. You would know how amazing you are. You would never doubt it... as I never have, I have always had faith in you Dean. Even when you didn't." He meant every word of it, he had told Dean before that he believed in him, but he knew the man hadn't believed it. Castiel hoped that this time he would.
He simply smiled and nodded at Dean's next question and his stomach did flip flops at the thought of kissing Dean again. He wanted him so badly it hurt. "I forgive you" he whispered with a grin. "I will always forgive you... and that might be the problem in the end" He teased in a tone that was half serious and half affectionate playfulness. "Please Dean... Kiss me"
Part 7a