(no subject)
It's fucking freezing. It's a Typhoon outside for the next 2 days. I'm still sick. My lips are absolutely RAW from peeling from dryness.
That's all the complaints I have right now. Things are good right now. Knowing home time is imminent is making things so much happier for me. I want so much to enjoy the rest of my time here. I want to get close to my roomies and just ENJOY our time together.
The problem is most of them don't know I'm leaving.
I don't know how to tell them.
I've told Aaron, Caglar, Yukiko and Valeria... and I dont know how to tell the rest.
I don't want it to be a big deal. That's the thing. I want to just say it and not get a huge, sad reaction about it. I don't want a reaction. I want people to just quietly accept it.
Valeria got upset. But I told her that if I go now or if I go in March... it's not going to get any easier. It's going to be hard and it's going to be sad either way.. there's just a greater time frame. It's just going to be hard.
"Well what about the ski resort job?" she asks.
But that would be NO different. If I work on the ski resort, I won't be able to stay here obviously. I'll be moving out of the house and out of Tokyo with no chance to come to Tokyo during my time there. Also, no real internet access and no phone and no way to talk to the roomies.
SO why not just go be in Canada where my life would be so much easier?
So... Valeria agrees that this is the best choice. So does Caglar. So do all my friends. It's not just a choice anymore, it's reality. And it's the reality I want.
But I confessed to Valeria, "I'm jealous of you... and the people I work with. The people who are able to live here and accept it and want it. The people who are able to give up on their lives at home and make a life here."
"But Kim," she says, "the difference is you have a LIFE... and more importantly, a FUTURE in Canada. I don't have a future in Italy. Those other people don't have a future where they come from."
And it's true. That's the one, defining difference.
I have so much I need to and want to do in Canada. I want to finish my degree. Get a car. Get my own place. Go travelling. Maybe meet someone and settle down.
All things I can't do in Japan. Things I don't want to do in Japan.
So once you realize that... combined with the lack of money and completely dead-end English Teaching job market... what's the point in staying?
I could scrape by until March and make menial money just to keep up with the "experience" of Japan but... I've EXPERIENCED Japan now and now I have to go take care of my REAL life in Canada.
Living in Japan has just been a fake life for me. It's not the real world for me. It's a fantasy land. Now I have to go back to real life where I have a future.
Maybe I'll live here again... maybe when I'm ready for this to be the "real world".
But I'm 21 now... I'm going to be 22 in a month. My friends and peers are moving on and into their real lives... becoming adults, establishing themselves... and as a right of passage, so too shall I.
So too shall I.
I'll still always be able to say that I lived for 7 months in another country and that I don't regret it for a second.
No one and nothing can ever take that away from me.
As I've said before so many times... this has been less about Japan and more about me. I've learned SO much about who I REALLY am. Peel away the layers of the safeguards that I have built up on myself over the past few years... I really am a strong, passionate, emotional, cunning woman who gets what she wants when she wants it.
I intend never to lock myself up again.
From now on I will be completely 100% true and honest with my feelings.
I don't care about the drama it might cause.
From now on I DO what I want... and have no shame for it. Life is too short to be ashamed of doing what you want to do.
From now on... I am the dictator of my own life. I won't let jealous, or trends, or peer pressure sway me in my choices and actions. I do what I want, how I want to, when I want to. I will do my hair the way I want to and dress how I want to, not how TV and Cosmopolitan want me to dress.
I have always been a disgustingly jealous person. Id say it's my number one worst trait. From now on I won't allow myself to be clouded in jealousy. Life is TOO SHORT to worry about what other people have.
No more "keeping up with the Jones's". That is NOT how I want to live and not how I want my future family to live... and let's face it, that's not how my parents raised me.
I want what I want, not what everyone else wants.
Like I've said so many times recently: I just want a simple life.
The single difference between me and Japan is that Japan is an EXTREMELY money hungry country. You can buy ANYTHING for money. ANYTHING. Sell your soul for a handbag.
I hate that. I don't CARE about money. I don't CARE. I don't CARE about brand names. I don't CARE about fancy things. I don't CARE about money. I don't CARE.
I don't ever WANT to care.
I see money as nothing more than a tool. It gets me the things I want and need when I want and need those things and are willing to work for them. But I don't believe everything should come with a price.
I have been offered money for sex exactly 5 times since being in Japan.
Many, many people give in to this. It's easy money. It is. And money equals cool things and fun times.
But I will NEVER, EVER EVER lower myself to that. I just don't care about money that fucking bad. All the cool things and fun times in the world could never equal my shame for such an action.
I know what is important in my life now. I know what my values, my hopes and dreams for the future are. And it's fun to dream and fantasize and imagine getting to where I want to be one day.
But my short term dreams are the ones I need to focus on now.
Getting a job a couple weeks after getting back into Canada in order to pay my Mom back, make some money for Christmas presents, and start making a dent in my credit card bill.
After that, make money for a new car (looking at getting a 2003 Volkswagon Beetle... the car I have wanted my whole entire life) which I am going to pay for straight up and NOT buy on credit. Go to Kirsten's wedding like I promised. Maybe go on a certain Las Vegas excursion. Move into my OWN PLACE. Go on my summer B.C. adventure. Maybe apply to go back to university. Save up money to go on a tropical adventure. Save up money to go on a ONE MONTH JAPAN ADVENTURE.
LOSE 100% OF THE WEIGHT I WANT TO LOSE IN ORDER TO LOOK LIKE THE WOMAN I FEEL I AM.
But some new clothes.
Spend as much time as physically possible with the people that matter most.
Take my Mom on an England/Scotland/Ireland adventure.
You see, I have plans. And these are no pipe dreams. These are true and honest plans. Travelling is going to very much be a part of my life from now on.
I just hope... and somehow I know I'll have people to do this with me.
Anyway. Enough about that.
I'm really happy right now. I am having so much fun with the roomies lately and it really is wonderful. And I have SO much excitement for home.
It actually brings a tear to my eye and touches me SO deeply to know how much people actually do geuinely care for me... and love me for ME... and love and support me through all of my crazy and weird ideas and problems and adventures.
I just hope one day, some how, I can repay everyone for this kindness.
That's all the complaints I have right now. Things are good right now. Knowing home time is imminent is making things so much happier for me. I want so much to enjoy the rest of my time here. I want to get close to my roomies and just ENJOY our time together.
The problem is most of them don't know I'm leaving.
I don't know how to tell them.
I've told Aaron, Caglar, Yukiko and Valeria... and I dont know how to tell the rest.
I don't want it to be a big deal. That's the thing. I want to just say it and not get a huge, sad reaction about it. I don't want a reaction. I want people to just quietly accept it.
Valeria got upset. But I told her that if I go now or if I go in March... it's not going to get any easier. It's going to be hard and it's going to be sad either way.. there's just a greater time frame. It's just going to be hard.
"Well what about the ski resort job?" she asks.
But that would be NO different. If I work on the ski resort, I won't be able to stay here obviously. I'll be moving out of the house and out of Tokyo with no chance to come to Tokyo during my time there. Also, no real internet access and no phone and no way to talk to the roomies.
SO why not just go be in Canada where my life would be so much easier?
So... Valeria agrees that this is the best choice. So does Caglar. So do all my friends. It's not just a choice anymore, it's reality. And it's the reality I want.
But I confessed to Valeria, "I'm jealous of you... and the people I work with. The people who are able to live here and accept it and want it. The people who are able to give up on their lives at home and make a life here."
"But Kim," she says, "the difference is you have a LIFE... and more importantly, a FUTURE in Canada. I don't have a future in Italy. Those other people don't have a future where they come from."
And it's true. That's the one, defining difference.
I have so much I need to and want to do in Canada. I want to finish my degree. Get a car. Get my own place. Go travelling. Maybe meet someone and settle down.
All things I can't do in Japan. Things I don't want to do in Japan.
So once you realize that... combined with the lack of money and completely dead-end English Teaching job market... what's the point in staying?
I could scrape by until March and make menial money just to keep up with the "experience" of Japan but... I've EXPERIENCED Japan now and now I have to go take care of my REAL life in Canada.
Living in Japan has just been a fake life for me. It's not the real world for me. It's a fantasy land. Now I have to go back to real life where I have a future.
Maybe I'll live here again... maybe when I'm ready for this to be the "real world".
But I'm 21 now... I'm going to be 22 in a month. My friends and peers are moving on and into their real lives... becoming adults, establishing themselves... and as a right of passage, so too shall I.
So too shall I.
I'll still always be able to say that I lived for 7 months in another country and that I don't regret it for a second.
No one and nothing can ever take that away from me.
As I've said before so many times... this has been less about Japan and more about me. I've learned SO much about who I REALLY am. Peel away the layers of the safeguards that I have built up on myself over the past few years... I really am a strong, passionate, emotional, cunning woman who gets what she wants when she wants it.
I intend never to lock myself up again.
From now on I will be completely 100% true and honest with my feelings.
I don't care about the drama it might cause.
From now on I DO what I want... and have no shame for it. Life is too short to be ashamed of doing what you want to do.
From now on... I am the dictator of my own life. I won't let jealous, or trends, or peer pressure sway me in my choices and actions. I do what I want, how I want to, when I want to. I will do my hair the way I want to and dress how I want to, not how TV and Cosmopolitan want me to dress.
I have always been a disgustingly jealous person. Id say it's my number one worst trait. From now on I won't allow myself to be clouded in jealousy. Life is TOO SHORT to worry about what other people have.
No more "keeping up with the Jones's". That is NOT how I want to live and not how I want my future family to live... and let's face it, that's not how my parents raised me.
I want what I want, not what everyone else wants.
Like I've said so many times recently: I just want a simple life.
The single difference between me and Japan is that Japan is an EXTREMELY money hungry country. You can buy ANYTHING for money. ANYTHING. Sell your soul for a handbag.
I hate that. I don't CARE about money. I don't CARE. I don't CARE about brand names. I don't CARE about fancy things. I don't CARE about money. I don't CARE.
I don't ever WANT to care.
I see money as nothing more than a tool. It gets me the things I want and need when I want and need those things and are willing to work for them. But I don't believe everything should come with a price.
I have been offered money for sex exactly 5 times since being in Japan.
Many, many people give in to this. It's easy money. It is. And money equals cool things and fun times.
But I will NEVER, EVER EVER lower myself to that. I just don't care about money that fucking bad. All the cool things and fun times in the world could never equal my shame for such an action.
I know what is important in my life now. I know what my values, my hopes and dreams for the future are. And it's fun to dream and fantasize and imagine getting to where I want to be one day.
But my short term dreams are the ones I need to focus on now.
Getting a job a couple weeks after getting back into Canada in order to pay my Mom back, make some money for Christmas presents, and start making a dent in my credit card bill.
After that, make money for a new car (looking at getting a 2003 Volkswagon Beetle... the car I have wanted my whole entire life) which I am going to pay for straight up and NOT buy on credit. Go to Kirsten's wedding like I promised. Maybe go on a certain Las Vegas excursion. Move into my OWN PLACE. Go on my summer B.C. adventure. Maybe apply to go back to university. Save up money to go on a tropical adventure. Save up money to go on a ONE MONTH JAPAN ADVENTURE.
LOSE 100% OF THE WEIGHT I WANT TO LOSE IN ORDER TO LOOK LIKE THE WOMAN I FEEL I AM.
But some new clothes.
Spend as much time as physically possible with the people that matter most.
Take my Mom on an England/Scotland/Ireland adventure.
You see, I have plans. And these are no pipe dreams. These are true and honest plans. Travelling is going to very much be a part of my life from now on.
I just hope... and somehow I know I'll have people to do this with me.
Anyway. Enough about that.
I'm really happy right now. I am having so much fun with the roomies lately and it really is wonderful. And I have SO much excitement for home.
It actually brings a tear to my eye and touches me SO deeply to know how much people actually do geuinely care for me... and love me for ME... and love and support me through all of my crazy and weird ideas and problems and adventures.
I just hope one day, some how, I can repay everyone for this kindness.