(no subject)
The last post I made is true.
And its at the point that I don't even know what my conditions are to stay. What will keep me here... what will make me leave?
I'm so ready to come home. Just get back into a normal life. I'm so poor that I'm dying and I want money.
I'm emotionally and physically starved.
For the past couple months I have been putting my mind through one of the biggest emotional strength tests ever.
Every single morning I wake up, the first thought that rushes into my head is money.
I lay awake almost every night thinking about money.
Money. Money. Money. Money.
The money I owe. The money I need. The money I have no way to get.
And as you all well know by now, my dear Constant Readers, it's not just money.
Money is such a large part of it but it's not just money.
It's come to the point where I can't continue fooling myself. It seems my past clever "fooling" tricks aren't working anymore.
I'm miserable. I am completely, 100% miserable. I spend every single day in this misery. I don't want to talk to anyone, especially not my roommates, but all I want in the whole world is someone to talk to. I want someone to love me, and no one does. No body really cares about me. I don't really care about anyone!
I can't eat properly, and yes I'm losing weight but I'm also starving to death.
I can't afford to go out with the little friends that I have... who apparently don't have time to spend with me anymore.
I can't find a job because there ARE no jobs.
And all this misery is turning into me HATING Japan and I don't want to hate it.
Japan is beautiful and interesting and has a lot to offer... but those things are completely closed off to me now and I don't even have any interest in them.
I used to want Japanese boys but now I know what they're like... and I don't WANT to sleep around to get some sort of false 'closeness'. It's not worth it. I am not that person.
I am not the type of person who can live here.
I cannot make it in Japan.
I'm too emotional, I'm not cut-throat enough, and I rely emotionally on other people too much.
And you know what?! I don't fucking obsess about looking and appearing perfect to everyone else. I don't want to maintain a FALSE sense of "omg I'm so happy" because if I'm not happy...why should I pretend?! For who's benefit?
That is Japan. At least... that's TOKYO. Pretending to be perfect and happy when you really aren't. You trick yourself into believing in it and for awhile you do...
But I can't anymore.
I live in Japan, and I'm jealous of the people who dream of living here.
I'm jealous of the people who don't understand what this country is really like. I'm jealous of the people who think this place is the land of J Rock an J Pop and anime and video games and hot guys and cute girls. They'll never know that you have to guard those things as secrets with your life.
At least they'll never know until they do what I did.
I'm jealous of Mia and Lauren and Ami who could come here for a short period of time and party hard and have nothing but fun and then get to go home and dream of coming back because they had nothing but a good, carefree experience.
Visiting here is, I imagine... amazing.
This would be an amazing place to VISIT.
This is one fucking hell of a place to try and live if you aren't fucking prepared or mentally stable enough for it.
I want to come home. There is only one last tiny condition that if it comes through... I'll stay. If I get the job on the Ski Resort... I'll stay. But if it doesn't happen... I'm coming home in November like my plane ticket says I am.
And I won't regret this. No. This is nothing to regret. And let's not say I didn't have fun here because I did.
This experience has been invaluable to me.
It made me see that the friends I have are the friends I want for life. Theyre the friends I want my future children to call "Uncle Dieter" and "Aunt Steph". And I've also learned that my parents are amazing and so supportive and loving and I truly have been blessed with an amazing, albeit weird family.
And it made me see what I want in my life... as I've said before. I don't want to care about all the superficial things that Japan seems to care so fucking much about. I want to live completely opposite of how they live here.
It may work for them... but for me.... not at all.
I want to live in Canada. I want to be Canadian. I want a simple life of fun, love, music... freedom.
And I want to visit Japan. OFTEN. I want to come here as much as possible and enjoy the country as an outsider... there with the pure intention of having fun and good times.
I don't wish I did that instead of what I am doing now but... I think it would have been so much easier on my heart and my mind.
So... that's that. That's the decision. I feel staying here any longer is only getting in the way of my life and where I want to go.
I used to think staying in University and staying in Spruce Grove was getting in the way but now that I've been here I can see I was wrong.
Time to make things happen for me instead of torturing myself... which is what I'm doing by staying here.
Braeden, you were so right. I should have listened to you but I was stubborn. I thought I could keep tricking myself into believing that I love this but I can't fool you... and I can't fool my parents... and now I can no longer fool myself.
Baby... I'm coming home.
And its at the point that I don't even know what my conditions are to stay. What will keep me here... what will make me leave?
I'm so ready to come home. Just get back into a normal life. I'm so poor that I'm dying and I want money.
I'm emotionally and physically starved.
For the past couple months I have been putting my mind through one of the biggest emotional strength tests ever.
Every single morning I wake up, the first thought that rushes into my head is money.
I lay awake almost every night thinking about money.
Money. Money. Money. Money.
The money I owe. The money I need. The money I have no way to get.
And as you all well know by now, my dear Constant Readers, it's not just money.
Money is such a large part of it but it's not just money.
It's come to the point where I can't continue fooling myself. It seems my past clever "fooling" tricks aren't working anymore.
I'm miserable. I am completely, 100% miserable. I spend every single day in this misery. I don't want to talk to anyone, especially not my roommates, but all I want in the whole world is someone to talk to. I want someone to love me, and no one does. No body really cares about me. I don't really care about anyone!
I can't eat properly, and yes I'm losing weight but I'm also starving to death.
I can't afford to go out with the little friends that I have... who apparently don't have time to spend with me anymore.
I can't find a job because there ARE no jobs.
And all this misery is turning into me HATING Japan and I don't want to hate it.
Japan is beautiful and interesting and has a lot to offer... but those things are completely closed off to me now and I don't even have any interest in them.
I used to want Japanese boys but now I know what they're like... and I don't WANT to sleep around to get some sort of false 'closeness'. It's not worth it. I am not that person.
I am not the type of person who can live here.
I cannot make it in Japan.
I'm too emotional, I'm not cut-throat enough, and I rely emotionally on other people too much.
And you know what?! I don't fucking obsess about looking and appearing perfect to everyone else. I don't want to maintain a FALSE sense of "omg I'm so happy" because if I'm not happy...why should I pretend?! For who's benefit?
That is Japan. At least... that's TOKYO. Pretending to be perfect and happy when you really aren't. You trick yourself into believing in it and for awhile you do...
But I can't anymore.
I live in Japan, and I'm jealous of the people who dream of living here.
I'm jealous of the people who don't understand what this country is really like. I'm jealous of the people who think this place is the land of J Rock an J Pop and anime and video games and hot guys and cute girls. They'll never know that you have to guard those things as secrets with your life.
At least they'll never know until they do what I did.
I'm jealous of Mia and Lauren and Ami who could come here for a short period of time and party hard and have nothing but fun and then get to go home and dream of coming back because they had nothing but a good, carefree experience.
Visiting here is, I imagine... amazing.
This would be an amazing place to VISIT.
This is one fucking hell of a place to try and live if you aren't fucking prepared or mentally stable enough for it.
I want to come home. There is only one last tiny condition that if it comes through... I'll stay. If I get the job on the Ski Resort... I'll stay. But if it doesn't happen... I'm coming home in November like my plane ticket says I am.
And I won't regret this. No. This is nothing to regret. And let's not say I didn't have fun here because I did.
This experience has been invaluable to me.
It made me see that the friends I have are the friends I want for life. Theyre the friends I want my future children to call "Uncle Dieter" and "Aunt Steph". And I've also learned that my parents are amazing and so supportive and loving and I truly have been blessed with an amazing, albeit weird family.
And it made me see what I want in my life... as I've said before. I don't want to care about all the superficial things that Japan seems to care so fucking much about. I want to live completely opposite of how they live here.
It may work for them... but for me.... not at all.
I want to live in Canada. I want to be Canadian. I want a simple life of fun, love, music... freedom.
And I want to visit Japan. OFTEN. I want to come here as much as possible and enjoy the country as an outsider... there with the pure intention of having fun and good times.
I don't wish I did that instead of what I am doing now but... I think it would have been so much easier on my heart and my mind.
So... that's that. That's the decision. I feel staying here any longer is only getting in the way of my life and where I want to go.
I used to think staying in University and staying in Spruce Grove was getting in the way but now that I've been here I can see I was wrong.
Time to make things happen for me instead of torturing myself... which is what I'm doing by staying here.
Braeden, you were so right. I should have listened to you but I was stubborn. I thought I could keep tricking myself into believing that I love this but I can't fool you... and I can't fool my parents... and now I can no longer fool myself.
Baby... I'm coming home.