Thinking
I am working today at a cafe. This is sort of my job for the summer, learning to be productive for hours at a cafe. I have things to do down on my asana calendar (which is fantastic) and I have power and a laptop. If anyone wants to find me, I will be at the Espresso Royale in East Lansing from 8:30am-6pm most days I am working this summer. I even got a real application to work here.
The cappuccinos are 2.90, but if I bring my own mug I get 50 cents off, so they're $2.40.
I am writing for a moment so that I can bleed, though. I know this is happening because I'm writing something else, and writing stresses me, so I'm going through a lot of crazy emotions, but hear me out.
I miss Tatsuya. I didn't think about it until I realized we've sent just a handful of text messages and I realized it's like Japan doesn't exist. I've been stateside for a week and a half and already I am not sure why but I feel my Japanese ability going down the tubes. I haven't been exposed to it and I haven't spoken in Japanese...so I think I'm going to organize a Japanese language meetup here. I mean it's SO CLICHE, but what can I do? To hold on to 12 years of my life, I have to do this.
I sent a message to T today letting him know that I tried strange sushi. I had cucumber, avocado and kampyo sushi...and I thought and I said...
"kampyo kampyo kampyo!!"
"kampyo da!
"^_____________^"
And I realized only T understands this.
Kampyo is a kind of dried Japanese gourd put in simple sushi. It's definitely one of my least favorite. But anyway, about 7 years ago maybe, we went to a rotary concert because one of my students invited us. It was an interesting performance and one performer/classical singer performed a kampyo song. It was the most freaking hilarious thing we had ever heard, and we spent the night singing "kampyo kampyo kampyo...kampyo da!!!!" ecstatically. Remembering it now, the tears are welling up. Without T, what is left of 12 years of my life in Japan? I'm only half of a memory and only half of a life lived.
I know I'm going back to him, and frankly I am relieved. I like being with B. I do love B but...how do I explain? I suppose we all feel it when close friends move away or loved ones die...it's like there's a piece of us that we leave with all the people that we show ourselves to. Do you know what I mean? I think you all do. If your partners were to...be captured by aliens for a time for example...there are so many things that only they would know about you. It's a very obvious thing, but here I am stretched four ways between Michigan, Missouri, California and Tokyo now. I am so close to people in all those places. And if I can keep up the money to keep traveling, that is great, and maybe I will find I am built for it, but for every month I spend alive with B it's a month that California and Tokyo me is dormant.
I need to find a way to be completely alive, all the parts of me, even when I am not in my natural habitat. I sound so strange typing this, but I mean I need to stop being such different people. I can act differently but I want to be one whole Kim. I want me now to be California and Tokyo and Michigan Kim. I want my confidence back. I want to believe I can succeed and rely on myself. I want to believe I can be reliable for P and make the difference I want to. And I want my life to not be 4 mini lives, but one adventure in multiple places.
Does it make sense?
It's hard to express, but I can tell you that me here right now...I miss T and I feel part of me is lost. Away from B I will feel this me is lost. I look at B and I miss him even when I'm with him. It's like I know nothing can be real. No matter how valid those feelings are, I want to change them. I want to know T and B and P are all forever, but I don't know how I'll ever keep all relationships strong from such a distance. So maybe that's why I'm just trying to work on me first.
Working on me means getting back to work. When I am not done with my work, it is impossible to enjoy my present. That is a kind of universal truth to my life. I want to have time to work and time to play and not worry about work when I am taking a break.
Today I am actively trying to break free from worrying about things I have to do. I am trying to get ahead so I can sit down anytime and work and be on time or ahead. I am working on trusting myself. When I have that kind of discipline and freedom, I can put more into myself and into my relationships.
Okay good pep talk, Kim. Now...simply...get. it. done.
The cappuccinos are 2.90, but if I bring my own mug I get 50 cents off, so they're $2.40.
I am writing for a moment so that I can bleed, though. I know this is happening because I'm writing something else, and writing stresses me, so I'm going through a lot of crazy emotions, but hear me out.
I miss Tatsuya. I didn't think about it until I realized we've sent just a handful of text messages and I realized it's like Japan doesn't exist. I've been stateside for a week and a half and already I am not sure why but I feel my Japanese ability going down the tubes. I haven't been exposed to it and I haven't spoken in Japanese...so I think I'm going to organize a Japanese language meetup here. I mean it's SO CLICHE, but what can I do? To hold on to 12 years of my life, I have to do this.
I sent a message to T today letting him know that I tried strange sushi. I had cucumber, avocado and kampyo sushi...and I thought and I said...
"kampyo kampyo kampyo!!"
"kampyo da!
"^_____________^"
And I realized only T understands this.
Kampyo is a kind of dried Japanese gourd put in simple sushi. It's definitely one of my least favorite. But anyway, about 7 years ago maybe, we went to a rotary concert because one of my students invited us. It was an interesting performance and one performer/classical singer performed a kampyo song. It was the most freaking hilarious thing we had ever heard, and we spent the night singing "kampyo kampyo kampyo...kampyo da!!!!" ecstatically. Remembering it now, the tears are welling up. Without T, what is left of 12 years of my life in Japan? I'm only half of a memory and only half of a life lived.
I know I'm going back to him, and frankly I am relieved. I like being with B. I do love B but...how do I explain? I suppose we all feel it when close friends move away or loved ones die...it's like there's a piece of us that we leave with all the people that we show ourselves to. Do you know what I mean? I think you all do. If your partners were to...be captured by aliens for a time for example...there are so many things that only they would know about you. It's a very obvious thing, but here I am stretched four ways between Michigan, Missouri, California and Tokyo now. I am so close to people in all those places. And if I can keep up the money to keep traveling, that is great, and maybe I will find I am built for it, but for every month I spend alive with B it's a month that California and Tokyo me is dormant.
I need to find a way to be completely alive, all the parts of me, even when I am not in my natural habitat. I sound so strange typing this, but I mean I need to stop being such different people. I can act differently but I want to be one whole Kim. I want me now to be California and Tokyo and Michigan Kim. I want my confidence back. I want to believe I can succeed and rely on myself. I want to believe I can be reliable for P and make the difference I want to. And I want my life to not be 4 mini lives, but one adventure in multiple places.
Does it make sense?
It's hard to express, but I can tell you that me here right now...I miss T and I feel part of me is lost. Away from B I will feel this me is lost. I look at B and I miss him even when I'm with him. It's like I know nothing can be real. No matter how valid those feelings are, I want to change them. I want to know T and B and P are all forever, but I don't know how I'll ever keep all relationships strong from such a distance. So maybe that's why I'm just trying to work on me first.
Working on me means getting back to work. When I am not done with my work, it is impossible to enjoy my present. That is a kind of universal truth to my life. I want to have time to work and time to play and not worry about work when I am taking a break.
Today I am actively trying to break free from worrying about things I have to do. I am trying to get ahead so I can sit down anytime and work and be on time or ahead. I am working on trusting myself. When I have that kind of discipline and freedom, I can put more into myself and into my relationships.
Okay good pep talk, Kim. Now...simply...get. it. done.