Aging
I just returned from yet another 40th birthday party for a close friend. 40 is hard for me. I have an annoying habit of living the angst of my close friends. I need to pick a shield charm for that Protego! Damn! did not work. The reason it is hard for me is I very clearly remember my mother turning 40, she purchased the bumper sticker " I'd Rather Be Forty Than Pregnant!" While I know I have friends who agree with that sentiment.I do not, I loved being pregnant and did not realize at the time I would only be so once. For that reason I am more romantic about it. Seems absolutely unbelievable to me that I am now in the age bracket that can pruchase this bumper sticker. I was never supposed to be forty. I had scheduled a suicide for 16 with my best friend, then I turned 16 and decided to postpone until 21 then 21 came and then to 35 and now I am 35. we did not want to get older. I still don't. I love this folk song, "I'm not growing older, there's just no way"
Lately I am getting morbid about aging again. I am spending so much of my energy on building community. I momentarily and unconsciously pop into the future- the part where community members die, either of natural causes or unexpectedly. All these people I love and will eventually lose. The tears leap to my eyes at this thought. Seems so silly though, just like kids grow up, we all die. I wish I could get to the place where death wasn't a horribly scary thing for me. Although my dad's death was VERY hard ( partly due to the hormoes racing through my 7 month pregnant body) it felt okay eventually. I miss him sometimes and still have trouble believing he is really gone. I hope to dream of him- to hear his voice again and see his face. He was sure a pain in the ass when he was here but man I miss him anyway.
Lately I am getting morbid about aging again. I am spending so much of my energy on building community. I momentarily and unconsciously pop into the future- the part where community members die, either of natural causes or unexpectedly. All these people I love and will eventually lose. The tears leap to my eyes at this thought. Seems so silly though, just like kids grow up, we all die. I wish I could get to the place where death wasn't a horribly scary thing for me. Although my dad's death was VERY hard ( partly due to the hormoes racing through my 7 month pregnant body) it felt okay eventually. I miss him sometimes and still have trouble believing he is really gone. I hope to dream of him- to hear his voice again and see his face. He was sure a pain in the ass when he was here but man I miss him anyway.