Voice.
Title: Voice
Author: Kimchifuu/Pixziestikxz
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: well. There's !broken JongYu. One sided/broken JongKey. Then there's slight MinKey and OnTae
Warning: Character death. Swearing. The works.
Summary: Jong Hyun's forced to choose between Jinki and Kibum, and when he decides that he can't take it anymore, it brings chaos to everyone.
A/N: I. Want to write another gory fic. Who's up for a deranged Taemin killing everyone? 8D I'm not crazy. @.@ Oh and it's a miracle, I know, cuz Taemin doesn't die in one of my character death fics for once. HAHAHA.
--
also, this is optional, but you can play this song while reading. ahah. I wanna see if I can still make people cry. I think I've lost my angst touch. ;A;
yui please stay with me mp3 | lyrics
free music downloads | music videos | pictures
Taemin's POV.
Jinki Hyung's been sitting there. In the corner for the past few days. Has it been a week? Maybe. Time just passes by excruciatingly slow now. He just stares out in space, cell phone in hand, and he refuses to speak. Or eat. Or move. Or talk to anyone. Manager hyungs have tried telling him that he should take a break. They've tried telling him that it wasn't his fault. But in the end they all realized that it would be better to just leave him alone. They thought Jinki hyung was depressed. But, no. He's far worse than that. He's...broken. Yeah. That's probably the closest word to describe it.
Nothing happens when I sit beside him to try and cheer him up. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, he would turn his head to the side and look at me, but the pain in his eyes just pierces right through me, and it hurts. It hurts me too. It hurts to see him like this. Sometimes all I can do is wrap my arm around him, even though I know that there's nothing else I can do, and I cry with him. I'm hurt too. We all are. Kibum hyung didn't come out of the bedroom for three straight days, and his crying was even worse than Jinki hyung's. Manager hyung was really stressed out to see everyone like this, but he, too, was pretty affected by it. Minho hyung seemed to be the only reliable one. He kept his face straight, trying to comfort anyone who needed it. But to be honest, I hear him crying in the bathroom every night. I know he's hurting too. I know it probably takes a bigger toll on him to be strong in front of everyone. Right now, he's Kibum hyung's crutch. The two are inseparable, and Kibum hyung's been trying to do things like he used to. It keeps him, keeps them somewhat happy, trying to fill in that empty void that used to be Jong Hyun hyung.
Jong Hyun hyung...
Kibum's POV
It's been a week. It's been seven days, twelve hours, forty two minutes, and thirty seconds. Thirty one. Thirty two. Thirty three...
Yeah, I've been keeping count, so what? He was my best friend. One of the people who meant the most to me in the world.
Was...
Fuck, Jjong, why do you have to do this to us?! To yourself?! To me?! Could you really have been that selfish to not think of how your actions would have affected anyone else after it's done and over with?! Fucking hell, Jjong. Fucking hell. No, No, shut the fuck up, I'm not crying. I know how much you enjoyed watching me cry. I know how you were pretty much the only one I showed my weak side to. But now that you're gone, who the fuck am I supposed to turn to, huh?
I hate you, you selfish bastard. I fucking hate you. No. No. No, I don't hate you. You know I can never hate you. Fuck. You know I love you, right? And fuck, that's probably exactly why this whole thing happened, isn't it? If I didn't have to butt in and make my own goddamn feelings be heard, you'd probably be happy right now. Happy and alive, and at least not everyone would be suffering. Maybe I'm the selfish one here. Oh my fucking god, I'm so sorry, Jjong. Fuck. I'm so fucking sorry.
If I could do anything to bring you back. To pull back time to before all this happened. I would stop myself from saying everything I said. From doing everything I did. Just to see you alive and well again. Now look at me. I'm a pathetic mess, relying on Minho, and god, it's not like the kid's terrible. But he'll never be you. No one will ever be like you. You know that, right? Of course you fucking know that. You're probably smirking or laughing at me from heaven, or hell, or purgatory or whatever kind of after life (if there is one,) you're in right now.
So no. I don't hate you. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.
......would you give me permission to join you so I can eternally ask you for forgiveness? I'm honestly tempted to right now.
I'm really fucking tempted to.
Minho's POV
What is there to say? Jong Hyun hyung's death was so...sudden. Honestly, no one ever thought he would be the kind to commit suicide. But he did. And oh my god. Oh my god. I just. I just can't believe this is all happening. Everything's spinning too fast, out of control, and I have no fucking idea what to do. I cried once in public, when we rushed him to the hospital only to find out twenty minutes after that it was too late. God damn it, I've never cried so much before. Manager hyungs, our fellow sunbaenims and hoobaes of the kpop industry, the fans. Everything's gone hysterical. Fans both girls and boys alike have been rushing in from all over the globe to visit outside the dorm. None of us other members have gone out since the crowd outside had multiplied so much that it was close to impossible to get out. The fan sites and forums have gone crazy.
Crazy
Yeah, that's an understatement. Because crazy would be fangirls sending you scarlet letters with their pube hairs included.
But this.
This.
I don't even know how to explain. How to describe it. I feel partially responsible, really. I knew what was going on. I watched from the distance, just trying to see where things would end up at. I found it amusing at first. And I thought that it wouldn't really lead to anything drastic. But I guess I was wrong. I was really wrong.
God, I can't take this anymore! How is one guy supposed to stand out there in front of everyone and just be there for them? I admit, I break down in the bathroom every night when everyone else is sleeping. I can't handle all this weight, all this pressure. But I kind of have to. Kibum uses me to lean on now, and I know better than anyone not to upset him. Specially not after this. Sometimes we'd sit down and he'd tell me how much he loved Jong Hyun hyung. And with each sentence and syllable he stresses out, it's like the sadness in his words just flows right through me. And I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. It's like the words are poison, flowing through my veins. Any more of this and it could be fatal.
...Is this what drove you to the edge, hyung?
Jinki's POV
I don't want to talk. Honestly I don't. Leave me alone. This is all my fault. All my fault. No amount of words would ever convince me that it isn't. I was on the verge of desperation. Heck, okay, I was desperate. But we just seemed so happy together. So infinite. I thought we could fly and touch the clouds and the skies together or something like that. I should have known someone was hurting, too.
How can I be deemed as a good 'leader' when I didn't even see it?! I didn't see it coming. This. That. Everything.
How could I have pressured you to choose? To make a choice between me or Kibum? I knew you loved me. But I knew the whole time that there was a special place in your heart just for Kibum. And honestly...
That was what scared me.
I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to let go of me. But I guess that's exactly what happened in the end. I'm not mad at Kibum. He had the right for his feelings to be known. And honest to god, if I'd been just a little more selfless and just let you go, because honestly Kibum overpowers me in your heart and I saw what was coming next, things probably wouldn't be like this in the first place. I'm not mad at you for doing what you did. Okay, maybe a little, because it's kind of stupid, if you ask me. Okay, it was a really, really really stupid thing to do. But I understand that you just didn't want to hurt anyone. But now you've done the complete opposite, Jong Hyun. You've done the complete freaking opposite.
And I don't even know what else to say. What else is there to say? God, I miss you. I miss you so much. Not being around you anymore makes me feel so empty. Like a part of me is missing. Do you know how many times I called your cell phone just to hear your voice over the answering machine? Five hundred seventy two times. But hey, who's counting? No, I didn't leave pathetic messages like 'I love you', or 'I miss you so much, why did you leave'. Okay, maybe I did. Maybe I just cried hysterically in some of them.
I don't even know anymore. I just....don't....
Taemin's POV
Okay, so from what I could get out of Minho hyung, this was what happened:
We all knew Jong Hyun hyung and Jinki hyung were kind of, well, together, if you get what I mean, and yeah, they both seemed really happy together.
Kibum hyung and Jong Hyun hyung were best friends. But Kibum hyung saw Jong Hyun hyung as more than that. Maybe he was hoping, waiting secretly that Jong Hyun hyung would turn around and realize that, and maybe even feel the same way.
I remember waking up in the midst of the really early morning one time, maybe around three am or so, and I heard their voices arguing. It sounded like Kibum hyung was crying, and Jong Hyun hyung was trying to comfort him, and Jinki's hyung's usually calm tone had just a touch of anger, maybe even jealousy in it. I was going to get up and see what it was about, but Minho hyung shushed me and told me to go back to bed.
It didn't sound like nothing to me, but if Minho hyung said everything would be okay, then I believed him. I thought it was just Kibum hyung breaking down again because of his grandma and stuff. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. But wow, how gullible and ignorant was I?
I should have known better.
Kibum's POV
So I was in the kitchen the other day, cooking, trying to make myself forget, or distract my mind, something like that. Minho was being Minho, doing dishes and all. When he was done, I grabbed his hand to thank him, smiled at him like I used to smile at Jjong, and he...kind of gave me this look. I frowned and dropped his hand right away cuz, I kind of forgot that he wasn't like Jjong. He'd never be like Jjong. And what the fuck was I doing, really?
So I turned around and shook my head, mumbled some sorries and tried to walk off. What surprised me, though, was when I felt Minho grab me from behind. He wrapped his arms around my waist and just pulled me close to him. Then he put his head on top of mine and started crying. Minho started crying. I was completely confused. And then, he said,
'It's okay, hyung. We all miss him. We're all hurting. But we're here for you, okay? I'm here for you...'
And fuck, it was my turn to start crying then, cuz those words, the way he pulled me in like that. It was exactly just like how Jjong used to do it. I tried to imagine for a second that it was him. That it was him and that he never left.
No, he'll never leave, cuz he'll be forever in my heart.
Minho's POV
Manager hyung stepped inside the kitchen only to find Kibum hyung and I crying, and I think he rushed out to go cry himself. I mean, even though it's been a week. A week. No, a week's still too short. His memory was still fresh in our minds, his things were still here, his bedsheets still smelt like him. No one even dared to touch his dirty laundry. Kibum hyung threw a fit over how it was the closest to actually still having him here. I even saw Jinki hyung hide one of Jong Hyun hyung's boxers before he went over to that corner and refused to do anything else.
To be honest, I've always kind of, somewhat liked Kibum hyung. I just thought it was kind of, you know, wrong. But he was so girly, and hell, I lived with these people 24/7, so what was I supposed to do about it? Though I kind of ignored it because I've always noticed that way he looked at Jong Hyun hyung. And how close they both were. I used to wish that Kibum hyung would turn to me sometime. And now that he is...it somehow feels...not right.
I feel like some sort of replacement. Hey, I probably am, and that's probably why this all feels so wrong. But if it's to make Kibum hyung feel better, I really don't mind.
Jinki's POV
Taemin's here again. The boy keeps coming back everyday. Sometimes he'd cry with me. Sometimes we'd just sit here, saying completely nothing at all. At times he'd nudge me or something to see if I was still alive. Sometimes he'd sing to me softly. Sometimes he'd tell me his worries and secrets.Today, he placed his head on my shoulder. It landed with a soft thump against my flesh, as he proceeded to grab my hand.
"Jinki hyung, please stop being like this. You're worrying everyone," He grips my hand tighter, and I turn my head to face him. "hyung, please stop sulking like this and just let us help you. Let me help you. We all want Jong Hyun hyung back, but what's done is done, and--"
I honestly had no idea what I was doing. One moment, Taemin was talking. The next, our lips were together. Maybe it was my way of shutting him up. Even so, I don't really know. The poor boy was confused for a second, and I was afraid I'd done the wrong thing, but then he started kissing back. After that, well, I pulled away. Realized that it was wrong. He looked at me with worried, confused eyes.
"Yeah, I don't know either. I-I guess for a second I saw Jong Hyun in you and--"
Before I could finish my sentence, he wrapped his arms around me happily, like nothing just happened.
"Hyung you're talking again! You're talking again!" He said happily, and I felt like I wasn't really in the position to destroy his happiness. So I kept quiet for a bit.
"Yeah, I guess I am."
Then I smiled, in what seemed like after forever.
Seems like time will heal wounds. I'm hoping it does, anyways.
--
lol i honestly didn't know how to end this. == soyeah. hahahaha.
Author: Kimchifuu/Pixziestikxz
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: well. There's !broken JongYu. One sided/broken JongKey. Then there's slight MinKey and OnTae
Warning: Character death. Swearing. The works.
Summary: Jong Hyun's forced to choose between Jinki and Kibum, and when he decides that he can't take it anymore, it brings chaos to everyone.
A/N: I. Want to write another gory fic. Who's up for a deranged Taemin killing everyone? 8D I'm not crazy. @.@ Oh and it's a miracle, I know, cuz Taemin doesn't die in one of my character death fics for once. HAHAHA.
--
also, this is optional, but you can play this song while reading. ahah. I wanna see if I can still make people cry. I think I've lost my angst touch. ;A;
yui please stay with me mp3 | lyrics
free music downloads | music videos | pictures
Taemin's POV.
Jinki Hyung's been sitting there. In the corner for the past few days. Has it been a week? Maybe. Time just passes by excruciatingly slow now. He just stares out in space, cell phone in hand, and he refuses to speak. Or eat. Or move. Or talk to anyone. Manager hyungs have tried telling him that he should take a break. They've tried telling him that it wasn't his fault. But in the end they all realized that it would be better to just leave him alone. They thought Jinki hyung was depressed. But, no. He's far worse than that. He's...broken. Yeah. That's probably the closest word to describe it.
Nothing happens when I sit beside him to try and cheer him up. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, he would turn his head to the side and look at me, but the pain in his eyes just pierces right through me, and it hurts. It hurts me too. It hurts to see him like this. Sometimes all I can do is wrap my arm around him, even though I know that there's nothing else I can do, and I cry with him. I'm hurt too. We all are. Kibum hyung didn't come out of the bedroom for three straight days, and his crying was even worse than Jinki hyung's. Manager hyung was really stressed out to see everyone like this, but he, too, was pretty affected by it. Minho hyung seemed to be the only reliable one. He kept his face straight, trying to comfort anyone who needed it. But to be honest, I hear him crying in the bathroom every night. I know he's hurting too. I know it probably takes a bigger toll on him to be strong in front of everyone. Right now, he's Kibum hyung's crutch. The two are inseparable, and Kibum hyung's been trying to do things like he used to. It keeps him, keeps them somewhat happy, trying to fill in that empty void that used to be Jong Hyun hyung.
Jong Hyun hyung...
Kibum's POV
It's been a week. It's been seven days, twelve hours, forty two minutes, and thirty seconds. Thirty one. Thirty two. Thirty three...
Yeah, I've been keeping count, so what? He was my best friend. One of the people who meant the most to me in the world.
Was...
Fuck, Jjong, why do you have to do this to us?! To yourself?! To me?! Could you really have been that selfish to not think of how your actions would have affected anyone else after it's done and over with?! Fucking hell, Jjong. Fucking hell. No, No, shut the fuck up, I'm not crying. I know how much you enjoyed watching me cry. I know how you were pretty much the only one I showed my weak side to. But now that you're gone, who the fuck am I supposed to turn to, huh?
I hate you, you selfish bastard. I fucking hate you. No. No. No, I don't hate you. You know I can never hate you. Fuck. You know I love you, right? And fuck, that's probably exactly why this whole thing happened, isn't it? If I didn't have to butt in and make my own goddamn feelings be heard, you'd probably be happy right now. Happy and alive, and at least not everyone would be suffering. Maybe I'm the selfish one here. Oh my fucking god, I'm so sorry, Jjong. Fuck. I'm so fucking sorry.
If I could do anything to bring you back. To pull back time to before all this happened. I would stop myself from saying everything I said. From doing everything I did. Just to see you alive and well again. Now look at me. I'm a pathetic mess, relying on Minho, and god, it's not like the kid's terrible. But he'll never be you. No one will ever be like you. You know that, right? Of course you fucking know that. You're probably smirking or laughing at me from heaven, or hell, or purgatory or whatever kind of after life (if there is one,) you're in right now.
So no. I don't hate you. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.
......would you give me permission to join you so I can eternally ask you for forgiveness? I'm honestly tempted to right now.
I'm really fucking tempted to.
Minho's POV
What is there to say? Jong Hyun hyung's death was so...sudden. Honestly, no one ever thought he would be the kind to commit suicide. But he did. And oh my god. Oh my god. I just. I just can't believe this is all happening. Everything's spinning too fast, out of control, and I have no fucking idea what to do. I cried once in public, when we rushed him to the hospital only to find out twenty minutes after that it was too late. God damn it, I've never cried so much before. Manager hyungs, our fellow sunbaenims and hoobaes of the kpop industry, the fans. Everything's gone hysterical. Fans both girls and boys alike have been rushing in from all over the globe to visit outside the dorm. None of us other members have gone out since the crowd outside had multiplied so much that it was close to impossible to get out. The fan sites and forums have gone crazy.
Crazy
Yeah, that's an understatement. Because crazy would be fangirls sending you scarlet letters with their pube hairs included.
But this.
This.
I don't even know how to explain. How to describe it. I feel partially responsible, really. I knew what was going on. I watched from the distance, just trying to see where things would end up at. I found it amusing at first. And I thought that it wouldn't really lead to anything drastic. But I guess I was wrong. I was really wrong.
God, I can't take this anymore! How is one guy supposed to stand out there in front of everyone and just be there for them? I admit, I break down in the bathroom every night when everyone else is sleeping. I can't handle all this weight, all this pressure. But I kind of have to. Kibum uses me to lean on now, and I know better than anyone not to upset him. Specially not after this. Sometimes we'd sit down and he'd tell me how much he loved Jong Hyun hyung. And with each sentence and syllable he stresses out, it's like the sadness in his words just flows right through me. And I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. It's like the words are poison, flowing through my veins. Any more of this and it could be fatal.
...Is this what drove you to the edge, hyung?
Jinki's POV
I don't want to talk. Honestly I don't. Leave me alone. This is all my fault. All my fault. No amount of words would ever convince me that it isn't. I was on the verge of desperation. Heck, okay, I was desperate. But we just seemed so happy together. So infinite. I thought we could fly and touch the clouds and the skies together or something like that. I should have known someone was hurting, too.
How can I be deemed as a good 'leader' when I didn't even see it?! I didn't see it coming. This. That. Everything.
How could I have pressured you to choose? To make a choice between me or Kibum? I knew you loved me. But I knew the whole time that there was a special place in your heart just for Kibum. And honestly...
That was what scared me.
I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to let go of me. But I guess that's exactly what happened in the end. I'm not mad at Kibum. He had the right for his feelings to be known. And honest to god, if I'd been just a little more selfless and just let you go, because honestly Kibum overpowers me in your heart and I saw what was coming next, things probably wouldn't be like this in the first place. I'm not mad at you for doing what you did. Okay, maybe a little, because it's kind of stupid, if you ask me. Okay, it was a really, really really stupid thing to do. But I understand that you just didn't want to hurt anyone. But now you've done the complete opposite, Jong Hyun. You've done the complete freaking opposite.
And I don't even know what else to say. What else is there to say? God, I miss you. I miss you so much. Not being around you anymore makes me feel so empty. Like a part of me is missing. Do you know how many times I called your cell phone just to hear your voice over the answering machine? Five hundred seventy two times. But hey, who's counting? No, I didn't leave pathetic messages like 'I love you', or 'I miss you so much, why did you leave'. Okay, maybe I did. Maybe I just cried hysterically in some of them.
I don't even know anymore. I just....don't....
Taemin's POV
Okay, so from what I could get out of Minho hyung, this was what happened:
We all knew Jong Hyun hyung and Jinki hyung were kind of, well, together, if you get what I mean, and yeah, they both seemed really happy together.
Kibum hyung and Jong Hyun hyung were best friends. But Kibum hyung saw Jong Hyun hyung as more than that. Maybe he was hoping, waiting secretly that Jong Hyun hyung would turn around and realize that, and maybe even feel the same way.
I remember waking up in the midst of the really early morning one time, maybe around three am or so, and I heard their voices arguing. It sounded like Kibum hyung was crying, and Jong Hyun hyung was trying to comfort him, and Jinki's hyung's usually calm tone had just a touch of anger, maybe even jealousy in it. I was going to get up and see what it was about, but Minho hyung shushed me and told me to go back to bed.
It didn't sound like nothing to me, but if Minho hyung said everything would be okay, then I believed him. I thought it was just Kibum hyung breaking down again because of his grandma and stuff. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. But wow, how gullible and ignorant was I?
I should have known better.
Kibum's POV
So I was in the kitchen the other day, cooking, trying to make myself forget, or distract my mind, something like that. Minho was being Minho, doing dishes and all. When he was done, I grabbed his hand to thank him, smiled at him like I used to smile at Jjong, and he...kind of gave me this look. I frowned and dropped his hand right away cuz, I kind of forgot that he wasn't like Jjong. He'd never be like Jjong. And what the fuck was I doing, really?
So I turned around and shook my head, mumbled some sorries and tried to walk off. What surprised me, though, was when I felt Minho grab me from behind. He wrapped his arms around my waist and just pulled me close to him. Then he put his head on top of mine and started crying. Minho started crying. I was completely confused. And then, he said,
'It's okay, hyung. We all miss him. We're all hurting. But we're here for you, okay? I'm here for you...'
And fuck, it was my turn to start crying then, cuz those words, the way he pulled me in like that. It was exactly just like how Jjong used to do it. I tried to imagine for a second that it was him. That it was him and that he never left.
No, he'll never leave, cuz he'll be forever in my heart.
Minho's POV
Manager hyung stepped inside the kitchen only to find Kibum hyung and I crying, and I think he rushed out to go cry himself. I mean, even though it's been a week. A week. No, a week's still too short. His memory was still fresh in our minds, his things were still here, his bedsheets still smelt like him. No one even dared to touch his dirty laundry. Kibum hyung threw a fit over how it was the closest to actually still having him here. I even saw Jinki hyung hide one of Jong Hyun hyung's boxers before he went over to that corner and refused to do anything else.
To be honest, I've always kind of, somewhat liked Kibum hyung. I just thought it was kind of, you know, wrong. But he was so girly, and hell, I lived with these people 24/7, so what was I supposed to do about it? Though I kind of ignored it because I've always noticed that way he looked at Jong Hyun hyung. And how close they both were. I used to wish that Kibum hyung would turn to me sometime. And now that he is...it somehow feels...not right.
I feel like some sort of replacement. Hey, I probably am, and that's probably why this all feels so wrong. But if it's to make Kibum hyung feel better, I really don't mind.
Jinki's POV
Taemin's here again. The boy keeps coming back everyday. Sometimes he'd cry with me. Sometimes we'd just sit here, saying completely nothing at all. At times he'd nudge me or something to see if I was still alive. Sometimes he'd sing to me softly. Sometimes he'd tell me his worries and secrets.Today, he placed his head on my shoulder. It landed with a soft thump against my flesh, as he proceeded to grab my hand.
"Jinki hyung, please stop being like this. You're worrying everyone," He grips my hand tighter, and I turn my head to face him. "hyung, please stop sulking like this and just let us help you. Let me help you. We all want Jong Hyun hyung back, but what's done is done, and--"
I honestly had no idea what I was doing. One moment, Taemin was talking. The next, our lips were together. Maybe it was my way of shutting him up. Even so, I don't really know. The poor boy was confused for a second, and I was afraid I'd done the wrong thing, but then he started kissing back. After that, well, I pulled away. Realized that it was wrong. He looked at me with worried, confused eyes.
"Yeah, I don't know either. I-I guess for a second I saw Jong Hyun in you and--"
Before I could finish my sentence, he wrapped his arms around me happily, like nothing just happened.
"Hyung you're talking again! You're talking again!" He said happily, and I felt like I wasn't really in the position to destroy his happiness. So I kept quiet for a bit.
"Yeah, I guess I am."
Then I smiled, in what seemed like after forever.
Seems like time will heal wounds. I'm hoping it does, anyways.
--
lol i honestly didn't know how to end this. == soyeah. hahahaha.