the gift of giving
yesterday, i went for an interview, for the heart of gold award, given out annually to a year 4 girl during speech day. ms kamsir summarized the ideal recipient as 'a girl which best embodies the values that rgs wants to nurture and value', to which i went 'whoa ok' and was rather taken aback because i thought it was an award for being kind to which i would think an award is not needed, in fact it's kind of lame to award kindness.
so i went into the interview, and told the ladies that. but their reply really gave me a new insight into this, and helped me understand what 'awards' are - hmm rejecting OL may not have been a really wise decision after all, but ohwell, what was done is done, and there are still some things that i am quite pissed about for rgs colours so no matter. i don't care so much about personal awards and achievements, to which the two very very kindly interviewers shared the same view. they told me why their class of '68 set up this award - it was to recognize something other than that of academic achievements, which rgs largely focuses on. they wanted to right that 'wrong', to balance it out a little more...i salute them for that because it feels like what i always thought. i shared with them my frustrations about the rafflesian award and how these people are already extraordinary in terms of academic acheivements, or positional achievements, whilst the character is never given much emphasis; nor is a girl who had done so much service ever considered. the ladies felt the same way as i did which was why they decided to do this, and they raised it up to the school before but they also understand the title bears the name 'rafflesian' so it usually sways towards achievements.
which was why the heart of gold award exists, they said. at struck me was what one of the ladies said - that the award is a sort of acknowledgement that you're going on the right track, that others think you're doing a great job, a form of encouragement. the two words she used, 'moral compass' were so powerful, so so powerful that i just broke down in front of them and remained that way in the interview. i told them i felt so stupid about crying and she was like it's ok, you're baring your soul. and bare my soul i did, i felt so drained and zombified that i had to sleep once i got home...shows the extent in which i poured everything out to them.
as I told the two lovely ladies my life story, about the way I was brought up, about why I do what I do - all that emotion just came up in me and I just sat there crying and crying with every sentence I said. i told them about my family, when they asked me 'why do you want to keep giving? where did that come from?' about my dad, who is a really generous person despite the fact that he doesn't like people to contradict him, my mom's needs for conflict resolution and her extremely thoughtful and caring nature for both my sis and me...and about my stubbornness and persistence which i inherited from my dad, and how my dad brought me up to know that i am here for a purpose, and that i need to go out to be a 'useful person in society'. i told them about what i do, why i want to do this, about my want to teach others, about how altruism is hard to find, about how people are so materialistic it makes me sick and hurt, about so so many things.
it was then that i really found out what life was to me - life to me is about 'being useful'. that is my life purpose, to be useful, to be a blessing. i don't want to go a day without being able to bless someone in one way or another. i felt so...cleansed, so renewed through talking to them; the lady was telling me that this was her life purpose too. i felt like her, i felt so much like her...just a younger person, which much more of my life in front of me, and realizing this calling very muh earlier. when they talked i felt that we could connect so much...about our need to keep giving, keep helping, because it makes you feel so happy, so joyful. it makes you seem like such a kaypoh to others, and she was saying sometimes we need to learn to hold back; and also be wary of my kindness being exploited - so after a discussion about it where i shared about my note-sharing experience - we ended up at the answer, who cares! she told me to use people's dependency and want to wait for my notes and rely on them only to study as a 'backhanded compliment', and to pay them back with my kindness, not stopping because after all, who cares if you are exploited, because you have already blessed them.
the interview itself was so inspiring, so powerful, so life-changing; i don't care if i get it or not but wow i am so thankful for having that experience, because it helped me find out who i am, and what i want to do in the future. any thoughts about being tired about giving and giving we're immediately washed away during yesterday's interview. this is something I struggled with so much last year and this year; it's a continuing struggle for me, but after yesterday, I felt so much better, and all my regrets and doubts were just...gone.
while waiting for my turn outside I was still going, oh I don't feel like I deserve it - after all, I'm up against people who have like immeasurable service achievements like CmPS, overseas service attachments, YFC, other tangible things - while I was just an ordinary person. an ordinary person. I saw ms kamsir reading out why everyone was nominated and I remember her taking a long time before saying "day-to-day interactions" and I went 'ok I so want to get out of here right now' and well, there were people like jasmine, rae, liza -- all amazing people that I know their hearts are all pure, and all so giving while I'm just this bitchy person inside of me, complaining and complaining all the time, feeling so dirty like a sinner in church :(
but coming out of the interview, i realized that i am an ordinary person, but made extraordinary by this god-given vision to be able to keep on giving, made extraordinary by this dream that god has planted in me. my strength in giving is made extraordinary by drawing strength, receiving His blessings, and in turn, using them to bless others. whether i get the award or not is not a big issue for me, it was nice to know that someone was touched by my simple gift of being able to keep on giving. :)
I am a vessel, a vessel for God, filled by Him, blessed by Him. But I am filled to be emptied again, to bless others, touch their hearts...this is my dream, what i'm here for!
but anyway in other nice things
1. people emailing or texting me saying thankyou for the notes and stuff never fail to make my day
2. xu lao shi, my year 3 chinese teacher on hearing that i'm going for the interview in the general office, saying to another teacher '她很有爱心‘ and i am like ?!?! laoshi, you still remember me, and of all the things you remember...you remember my heart?
3. juniors who never fail to accept me for who i am despite my warped ways
4. batchmates who pray for me continuously, who take the time to talk to me and make me feel so much better when i get one of my emotional days where reason and logic is thrown out of the window, and when i cry a lot during that time of the month (seriously it's hormonal)
5. mdm aliah for being a great inspiration; and for letting me go for that interview and i am just so so thankful and touched by her dedication in everything....
a shalom solution just seemed to reach out to me when i needed it the most during qt, as if to sum up such an amazing day:
'I will bless you. I will make you a blessing. In you, all the families of the earth will be blessed.' - Genesis 12:2-3