Decisions...
I'm not very good at making decisions, especially when I want more than one thing and both options seem...good. When I first set out to come to Hollywood for the second time in a year, I thought 'it could be a month and if it's only a month that's fine. I won't be a failure. That'd be just fine.' and now it's been 3 months and I feel like I'll be a failure if I go home. Why is that?
I guess I wanted something big to happen: a script sale, a job/sponsorship, anything to give evidence to the work I've been doing and the prayers I've been praying.
So far? Nothing.
And I'm homesick. I've been realizing more and more how much I want to be a part of Hollywood, but not necessarily living in Hollywood, not forever anyway. My dream would be to live in Hollywood half the year and Vancouver the other half. But that would require two homes, and right now I don't have a real job, or a real HOME for that matter, at all. I write like I am getting paid to do it, but I'm not getting paid to do it.
I'm frustrated, to be honest.
I feel like in either place or situation I am fighting rocks with glass. Everything keeps braking in my hands and cutting me. I'm bleeding from head to toe...except I must be like Wolverine because the cuts heal quickly. What does that mean then?
I know many people who think that what I'm trying to do is brave, or inspiring. It's not really brave at all. It feels stupid and naive and insane. Yes I am fighting for a dream, but am I avoiding life? I want a better life. I want a home, a husband, a car, a job that doesn't bore me and uses my talents.
I do feel at home in Hollywood as I do feel at home in Vancouver but I don't have 'a home'. I have a feeling, a gut wrenching desire.
And nothing answers me. There's no loud cry of where to be or how to be. When I'm in LA, I want Vancouver, when I'm in Vancouver, I want LA...but as for the meaning of location, in the grand scope of my life? Does it matter really?
God has given me a tug toward working in Hollywood, true. But right now I am not working in Hollywood. I am writing from an apartment in Valley Village and dreaming of being in the industry. It doesn't feel like by being here I am any closer or further from the dream. I'm just existing. I don't want to just exist. And I guess maybe I'm not because I am still writing like a mad-woman and dreaming, and loving people, and hoping, and trying to be Godly and trying to fulfill my destiny.
These are all things I do in EITHER city.
So it occurs to me...
Maybe it doesn't matter where I am. Maybe God doesn't care about location so much as heart. Maybe the decision to be here or in Vancouver is irrelevant. Maybe.
Then again, I could be crazy.
I guess I wanted something big to happen: a script sale, a job/sponsorship, anything to give evidence to the work I've been doing and the prayers I've been praying.
So far? Nothing.
And I'm homesick. I've been realizing more and more how much I want to be a part of Hollywood, but not necessarily living in Hollywood, not forever anyway. My dream would be to live in Hollywood half the year and Vancouver the other half. But that would require two homes, and right now I don't have a real job, or a real HOME for that matter, at all. I write like I am getting paid to do it, but I'm not getting paid to do it.
I'm frustrated, to be honest.
I feel like in either place or situation I am fighting rocks with glass. Everything keeps braking in my hands and cutting me. I'm bleeding from head to toe...except I must be like Wolverine because the cuts heal quickly. What does that mean then?
I know many people who think that what I'm trying to do is brave, or inspiring. It's not really brave at all. It feels stupid and naive and insane. Yes I am fighting for a dream, but am I avoiding life? I want a better life. I want a home, a husband, a car, a job that doesn't bore me and uses my talents.
I do feel at home in Hollywood as I do feel at home in Vancouver but I don't have 'a home'. I have a feeling, a gut wrenching desire.
And nothing answers me. There's no loud cry of where to be or how to be. When I'm in LA, I want Vancouver, when I'm in Vancouver, I want LA...but as for the meaning of location, in the grand scope of my life? Does it matter really?
God has given me a tug toward working in Hollywood, true. But right now I am not working in Hollywood. I am writing from an apartment in Valley Village and dreaming of being in the industry. It doesn't feel like by being here I am any closer or further from the dream. I'm just existing. I don't want to just exist. And I guess maybe I'm not because I am still writing like a mad-woman and dreaming, and loving people, and hoping, and trying to be Godly and trying to fulfill my destiny.
These are all things I do in EITHER city.
So it occurs to me...
Maybe it doesn't matter where I am. Maybe God doesn't care about location so much as heart. Maybe the decision to be here or in Vancouver is irrelevant. Maybe.
Then again, I could be crazy.