"No means no," and not just in a sex/ kink context
I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately, and the phrase "no means no." Our instinctive reaction when we hear any "no" is "But why? I *needed* that." That's not just in a kink context, or a sex context -- it's in every context.
It takes incredible emotional intelligence to hear "no," to breathe through the ouch of it, and then to think, "It doesn't matter why. It just matters that I figure out how to take care of myself now that I've been hurt by this person's "no."
In one month, I'm moving to California. My partner and I are struggling with that pain so much. Yesterday, I asked, "But why can't you come with me?" even after he'd made it clear he wasn't interested in moving away from New York. And he, in turn, has asked me, "But why can't you stay?" even after I'd explained my reasons. The truth is that we're not really asking "why?" because we want to know the other person's reasoning as to "why" -- we both know why. What we're really saying is, "I wish you could be with me; I need this connection." We both have our boundaries; we're just hurt, so that "why?" to a "no" is like... almost a battle cry.
It's so natural to ask "why?" because we think it's our right to have someone else's story explain away our pain. When we get hurt, we make shit up: this person rejected me because they've been hurt in the past. That person cancelled on me because they're going through a tough time. She's always been a little mentally unstable.
Our reaction to our little hurts should be the same: "Gee, I need better self-care and to not hang out with that person in the same way again." We don't have to get why other folks feel or do the things the way that they do. We don't have to understand why someone is saying "no" in bed, or why they're depressed or anxious. Sometimes shit just happens, and it doesn't have to be someone else's fault. Emotions are not logical; boundaries aren't always logical. It's okay to be hurt without justifying our pain with some narrative, or without putting anyone else down for it.
I was reading Mollena Williams' post on having her consent violated by a person who overrode her request for a condom and thinking about the reactions of folks in the comments section. "That person isn't a true dom!" Um, guys? Just because people are irresponsible and fuck up doesn't mean that their identities get invalidated. Just because your plumber messes up your piping doesn't mean they aren't a plumber. It doesn't even mean that they're a bad plumber -- it means they made a mistake, once, and hopefully learned to not do it that way again.
Non-condomed sex *does* feel physically better (though not necessarily emotionally closer, since better sex is about intimacy, and you can't get more intimacy with less willingness.) Mollena's violator asked her "why?" when she said "no," though -- and after she went along in the moment, she felt hurt afterwards. So it's obvious that "why?" can be hurtful. Perhaps, having seen that, when you next feel the urge to ask "why?" you should consider whether you're really honestly looking for negotiation (in which case, taking the time to consider what you actually need and asking in a less emotionally vulnerable moment is probably a better move), or whether you're just reacting in the moment to a strong need that is being denied to you.
I think it's emotionally much smarter to say, when you're hurt, whether out loud or to yourself: "Ouch; that 'no' hurt because my need is being denied." And then ask yourself: "how do I take care of it without pressuring someone else?"
With G and I, we curled up against each other and breathed in the scent of each other's skin until we were both calm again. No sex needed -- just the intimacy of acknowledging that we love each other, even with differing needs.
It takes incredible emotional intelligence to hear "no," to breathe through the ouch of it, and then to think, "It doesn't matter why. It just matters that I figure out how to take care of myself now that I've been hurt by this person's "no."
In one month, I'm moving to California. My partner and I are struggling with that pain so much. Yesterday, I asked, "But why can't you come with me?" even after he'd made it clear he wasn't interested in moving away from New York. And he, in turn, has asked me, "But why can't you stay?" even after I'd explained my reasons. The truth is that we're not really asking "why?" because we want to know the other person's reasoning as to "why" -- we both know why. What we're really saying is, "I wish you could be with me; I need this connection." We both have our boundaries; we're just hurt, so that "why?" to a "no" is like... almost a battle cry.
It's so natural to ask "why?" because we think it's our right to have someone else's story explain away our pain. When we get hurt, we make shit up: this person rejected me because they've been hurt in the past. That person cancelled on me because they're going through a tough time. She's always been a little mentally unstable.
Our reaction to our little hurts should be the same: "Gee, I need better self-care and to not hang out with that person in the same way again." We don't have to get why other folks feel or do the things the way that they do. We don't have to understand why someone is saying "no" in bed, or why they're depressed or anxious. Sometimes shit just happens, and it doesn't have to be someone else's fault. Emotions are not logical; boundaries aren't always logical. It's okay to be hurt without justifying our pain with some narrative, or without putting anyone else down for it.
I was reading Mollena Williams' post on having her consent violated by a person who overrode her request for a condom and thinking about the reactions of folks in the comments section. "That person isn't a true dom!" Um, guys? Just because people are irresponsible and fuck up doesn't mean that their identities get invalidated. Just because your plumber messes up your piping doesn't mean they aren't a plumber. It doesn't even mean that they're a bad plumber -- it means they made a mistake, once, and hopefully learned to not do it that way again.
Non-condomed sex *does* feel physically better (though not necessarily emotionally closer, since better sex is about intimacy, and you can't get more intimacy with less willingness.) Mollena's violator asked her "why?" when she said "no," though -- and after she went along in the moment, she felt hurt afterwards. So it's obvious that "why?" can be hurtful. Perhaps, having seen that, when you next feel the urge to ask "why?" you should consider whether you're really honestly looking for negotiation (in which case, taking the time to consider what you actually need and asking in a less emotionally vulnerable moment is probably a better move), or whether you're just reacting in the moment to a strong need that is being denied to you.
I think it's emotionally much smarter to say, when you're hurt, whether out loud or to yourself: "Ouch; that 'no' hurt because my need is being denied." And then ask yourself: "how do I take care of it without pressuring someone else?"
With G and I, we curled up against each other and breathed in the scent of each other's skin until we were both calm again. No sex needed -- just the intimacy of acknowledging that we love each other, even with differing needs.