Dearest Jamiejamie,
I'm losing myself again jamee. I don't know what to do, i haven't been this lost in depression and stress since... since highschool. I miss you, ya know. I really do. You stupid brit, I know it's not your fault but come back goddamnit. No one understands like you do. No one talks to me like you do. Not the healthiest thing for me, but you and i both know theres no one but you. I don't... know what to do. Or where to find myself. J asked what i wanted and i told him: A sense of self worth. A job. Money.... My own place complete with compatible roommate. Confidence..... What i didn't say was Something to live for. A reason to stay. I've been thinking more and more on death lately for some reason. Seriously. I'm not sure of where it's all coming from. I went to bed the other night wondering what people would think of me if i died and all they had were the things on my computer. The pictures, conversations.... stories. Things i've collected and horded. I've become progressively clingy-er. And there's no one to cling to. There's no one to tell me that my world will get better..... Theres no one that understands that that's all it takes. I have a new plant... I'm not expecting it to live, but i kinda hope it does. It's called a pokadot plant. It's awfully cute, in a lil pink pot. I think techinically it's three little plants, but either way.... Is it the middle of january yet? These Toffee cigs dont give me a headache anymore. I like the uncut version of Return of The King better then the one that was in theaters. They cut out this one part where Aragorn fixes the psycho human bitch, but i like the song they play. With a sigh, you turn away. With a deepening heart, no more words to say. You will find, that the world has changed. Forever. And the trees are now turning from green to gold. And the sun is now fading. I wish i could hold you, closer. You should hear it. It's lovely. When people ask me why i smoke, i think i've always answered with "It's my own fucked up form of suicide." I think... i remeber telling Lia that once. But i dont remeber if i've told anyone else. *furrows brows* Maybe i do this for attention. I don't think i do. But... maybe i do. I had asked Tem (<3 her from Dragons Pride) once if life got better. Know what her answer was?
Manda` : life gets better then this right?
Mysterious Jeane : Do you want the honest answer or reality? >.>
Mysterious Jeane : wel... MY honest answer
Manda` : Both?
Mysterious Jeane : Well reality wise, its what you make it
Mysterious Jeane : my honest answer is no it doesn't get better
Mysterious Jeane : my honest answer is you get old and die and thats it
Manda` : Can i die now and skip the getting old?
Mysterious Jeane : Reality is, you have highs and lows and its better and worse
Mysterious Jeane : you can if you like
Mysterious Jeane : I'm hoping to go at about 40 or 50ish
Manda` : i just wanna be happy
Manda` : thats my main goal in life
Manda` : be happy
Mysterious Jeane : Mine too, or fake it really good
Manda` : *smile* fake it.... LoL you are definatly kin to my soul
Mysterious Jeane : Heh, I'm a good enough actor, I can fool myself and change my day
Mysterious Jeane : thats the goal anyway
Mysterious Jeane : Besides, when everybody else is at ease it helps me get in
Mysterious Jeane : a good mood so... works eithe rway
Know what i like about her answer? She didnt lie to me. She told me... Bluntly. I'm not sure. Maybe i just liked that someone else was as... gah i wanna say unhappy as i am. But i'm not sure unhappy is what i am. I just... am. I do have my moments. Like when Tebra called. It was good to talk to her, it was good to laugh with her. To know that, she's still there. I put thought into driving off the road once. Don't worry. It was just a fleeting thought. Wondering what it would be like to drive off and into the water. If i would pass out from impact. Or survive and decide on whether or not to drown. Morbidly odd. I've never had a thought like that. At least not one that serious i dont think. This isn't your fault you know. This more then likely would have happened even if you'd been here, tho.... massively less impacting i think. I just realized that this letter could make you feel bad -_- Which isn't something i want. I just... want to talk to someone who understands me. I wish it would rain. Not snow, Rain. I've always wanted warm rain that i could stand in. The only place with even semi warm rain that i've been in was Missouri. And usually it was cold rain. And when it was actually warm rain -_- I was sick. *sigh* I feel better i think. Or i've just adjusted. I think i've just hit rock bottom tonight is all... No telling. I'm odd when im depressed, and even more so when i hit the bottom. Don't know how long im going to stay here. So i'm going to let you go. I love you and i miss you ya know. Come back to me? *hug* and leave that hot british chick you found when i wasn't looking.
Love you and Miss you,
Manda <3
Manda` : life gets better then this right?
Mysterious Jeane : Do you want the honest answer or reality? >.>
Mysterious Jeane : wel... MY honest answer
Manda` : Both?
Mysterious Jeane : Well reality wise, its what you make it
Mysterious Jeane : my honest answer is no it doesn't get better
Mysterious Jeane : my honest answer is you get old and die and thats it
Manda` : Can i die now and skip the getting old?
Mysterious Jeane : Reality is, you have highs and lows and its better and worse
Mysterious Jeane : you can if you like
Mysterious Jeane : I'm hoping to go at about 40 or 50ish
Manda` : i just wanna be happy
Manda` : thats my main goal in life
Manda` : be happy
Mysterious Jeane : Mine too, or fake it really good
Manda` : *smile* fake it.... LoL you are definatly kin to my soul
Mysterious Jeane : Heh, I'm a good enough actor, I can fool myself and change my day
Mysterious Jeane : thats the goal anyway
Mysterious Jeane : Besides, when everybody else is at ease it helps me get in
Mysterious Jeane : a good mood so... works eithe rway
Know what i like about her answer? She didnt lie to me. She told me... Bluntly. I'm not sure. Maybe i just liked that someone else was as... gah i wanna say unhappy as i am. But i'm not sure unhappy is what i am. I just... am. I do have my moments. Like when Tebra called. It was good to talk to her, it was good to laugh with her. To know that, she's still there. I put thought into driving off the road once. Don't worry. It was just a fleeting thought. Wondering what it would be like to drive off and into the water. If i would pass out from impact. Or survive and decide on whether or not to drown. Morbidly odd. I've never had a thought like that. At least not one that serious i dont think. This isn't your fault you know. This more then likely would have happened even if you'd been here, tho.... massively less impacting i think. I just realized that this letter could make you feel bad -_- Which isn't something i want. I just... want to talk to someone who understands me. I wish it would rain. Not snow, Rain. I've always wanted warm rain that i could stand in. The only place with even semi warm rain that i've been in was Missouri. And usually it was cold rain. And when it was actually warm rain -_- I was sick. *sigh* I feel better i think. Or i've just adjusted. I think i've just hit rock bottom tonight is all... No telling. I'm odd when im depressed, and even more so when i hit the bottom. Don't know how long im going to stay here. So i'm going to let you go. I love you and i miss you ya know. Come back to me? *hug* and leave that hot british chick you found when i wasn't looking.
Love you and Miss you,
Manda <3