Damn Natural Instincts.
Konbanwa Mina-san!!
I really should learn how to say "what's up" in Japanese, LoL. Well, in any case, I haven't updated in a while, mostly because of pure laziness. The last two weeks or so senioritis has really started kicking in. I honestly just don't care at all about homework at all any more, so I just haven't been doing most of it. I guess I should catch up this weekend though because its going to be the last two weeks of the trimester. Wow...I can't believe that we're already 2/3 of the way through senior year...the craziness!!
So, the reason I'm not being lazy now is that I finally was motivated enough to talk about something (and I also didn't have dance today so I'm not tired, LoL). This week I've considered updating about various topics, including dance, love, senioritis, and Mori'ya (my life summed up in four words pretty much), but instead I've decided to make this entry about competition and jealousy...or something along those lines.
Lately I've been feeling quite frustrated in school. Not because of my severe senioritis, or the fact that I think most of my classes are a waste of time, but simply because I am jealous of everyone. It seems as if, especially lately, that I'm not up to the same sort of standard as everyone else. I'd like to think that I'm good at a few things, but the majority of people at school are the best at something, if not at multiple things. From sports to dance to academics to looks to social interaction...I just can't compare. I may like to think that I can dance, that I can be eloquent and logical, that I'm not all that ugly, and that I can actually make and retain friends...and maybe I can do some, or all of these things satisfactoraly...maybe even well...but in the end any illusion of accomplishment I have is shattered by the realization that the people around me are always going to be so much better--that the people around me have always been, and will always be, the best.
What frustrates me most, though, is not the fact that the people around me are all the best at the things they do (because I think its really cool to know such interesting and extremely skilled people) but, rather, the fact that I am jealous of them. If I were a good person, I would be able to appreciate everyone else's successes and be as happy about them as if they were my own. However most of the time when I hear about other people's successes, I simply feel jealous, and that pisses me off--I hate doint that. I don't want to be such a bitch, but I can't help wanting to be the best at something...anything...too.
I guess its just a combination of my distasteful personality, selfishness, and natural instinct for competition that drives me to feel like I need this sort of validation from others. That's all I ever really seek, I guess, is validation. Its why I demand that people agree with my opinions, why I always have to tell everyone about my accomplishements (even if I rarely ask about theirs), why I always have to complain to everyone about my failures (even if they are completely insignificant), and why pretend to hate people who are good at everything.
I don't know how I can still expect to be accepted when I don't accept anyone. I don't know how I can still expect to be appreciated when I don't appreciate anyone. I don't know how I can still expect to be given anything when I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing to contribute to anyone else. Realizing the kind of person I really am makes me feel sick.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to turn into another one of my depressing rants. I promised I wouldn't do that anymore when I started this new journal. But damnit, why can't I just get over being disappointed by my own shortcomings?
~AkEMisAma
I really should learn how to say "what's up" in Japanese, LoL. Well, in any case, I haven't updated in a while, mostly because of pure laziness. The last two weeks or so senioritis has really started kicking in. I honestly just don't care at all about homework at all any more, so I just haven't been doing most of it. I guess I should catch up this weekend though because its going to be the last two weeks of the trimester. Wow...I can't believe that we're already 2/3 of the way through senior year...the craziness!!
So, the reason I'm not being lazy now is that I finally was motivated enough to talk about something (and I also didn't have dance today so I'm not tired, LoL). This week I've considered updating about various topics, including dance, love, senioritis, and Mori'ya (my life summed up in four words pretty much), but instead I've decided to make this entry about competition and jealousy...or something along those lines.
Lately I've been feeling quite frustrated in school. Not because of my severe senioritis, or the fact that I think most of my classes are a waste of time, but simply because I am jealous of everyone. It seems as if, especially lately, that I'm not up to the same sort of standard as everyone else. I'd like to think that I'm good at a few things, but the majority of people at school are the best at something, if not at multiple things. From sports to dance to academics to looks to social interaction...I just can't compare. I may like to think that I can dance, that I can be eloquent and logical, that I'm not all that ugly, and that I can actually make and retain friends...and maybe I can do some, or all of these things satisfactoraly...maybe even well...but in the end any illusion of accomplishment I have is shattered by the realization that the people around me are always going to be so much better--that the people around me have always been, and will always be, the best.
What frustrates me most, though, is not the fact that the people around me are all the best at the things they do (because I think its really cool to know such interesting and extremely skilled people) but, rather, the fact that I am jealous of them. If I were a good person, I would be able to appreciate everyone else's successes and be as happy about them as if they were my own. However most of the time when I hear about other people's successes, I simply feel jealous, and that pisses me off--I hate doint that. I don't want to be such a bitch, but I can't help wanting to be the best at something...anything...too.
I guess its just a combination of my distasteful personality, selfishness, and natural instinct for competition that drives me to feel like I need this sort of validation from others. That's all I ever really seek, I guess, is validation. Its why I demand that people agree with my opinions, why I always have to tell everyone about my accomplishements (even if I rarely ask about theirs), why I always have to complain to everyone about my failures (even if they are completely insignificant), and why pretend to hate people who are good at everything.
I don't know how I can still expect to be accepted when I don't accept anyone. I don't know how I can still expect to be appreciated when I don't appreciate anyone. I don't know how I can still expect to be given anything when I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing to contribute to anyone else. Realizing the kind of person I really am makes me feel sick.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to turn into another one of my depressing rants. I promised I wouldn't do that anymore when I started this new journal. But damnit, why can't I just get over being disappointed by my own shortcomings?
~AkEMisAma