Things and stuff
I have a lot to talk about and it's hard to know where to begin.
For starters I am not pregnant, and I thank God for that fact every day. It's not that I don't want another baby. I do. But not right now. And it's not that I'd mind if John Carter was the father either. I would rather be married again and have it be planned, though of course if I had been I would have dealt with it. Still, it's one less thing to worry about now so I'm not going to anymore.
I told Leo about his father being dead. I thought about all the ways I could do it and what I should say to him. Should I soften it because he's just a child? That sort of thing. In the end I sat him down and told him that his father wouldn't scare or hurt either of us ever again, and of course he asked me why. I didn't want to traumatize him further, but he deserves the truth. So I told him that Roger is dead, but not that he was murdered. He seemed to take it pretty well, but my heart broke when he said, "He's not in heaven, is he Mama?" Again, he deserved the truth so I said no. And after that he was quiet and didn't say anything, and I only held him for a long time until I realised he was asleep. His nightmares are less frequent now but he still has them occasionally, so I didn't want to move and disturb him even though my arm was turning numb. We stayed like that for almost three hours and I fell asleep myself, and when he woke up he seemed fine and didn't say a single word about Roger. I found myself caught between several emotions. Anger at Roger that I suppose I'll always have, but also sadness. He had this beautiful boy and he could have been a decent father if he'd wanted to. He could have had a lot of things, good things, but he chose not to have any of them, and now our son is more relieved than anything that his father is dead. On one level that's just wrong, but on the other... I'm glad he took it so well. I'm glad this will hopefully help him put all this mess behind him and live a normal life.
Lastly, I've officially decided to stay in Chicago. I have been toying with the idea all summer and realised I'd really come to this decision when I started looking into schools for Leo. He may need to be held back a year since he missed so much of kindergarten, but we'll see. And I told John too and I've told Jordan. Now I just need to tell my mother, though I think she's guessed already. Leo and I have already discussed it together and that's one of the reasons we're staying: he wants to. He said he didn't want to move far away from Alex. I think a lot of it has to do with the bad memories of Boston right now, but whatever makes him happiest. I am prepared to do almost anything to make sure he is happy.
For starters I am not pregnant, and I thank God for that fact every day. It's not that I don't want another baby. I do. But not right now. And it's not that I'd mind if John Carter was the father either. I would rather be married again and have it be planned, though of course if I had been I would have dealt with it. Still, it's one less thing to worry about now so I'm not going to anymore.
I told Leo about his father being dead. I thought about all the ways I could do it and what I should say to him. Should I soften it because he's just a child? That sort of thing. In the end I sat him down and told him that his father wouldn't scare or hurt either of us ever again, and of course he asked me why. I didn't want to traumatize him further, but he deserves the truth. So I told him that Roger is dead, but not that he was murdered. He seemed to take it pretty well, but my heart broke when he said, "He's not in heaven, is he Mama?" Again, he deserved the truth so I said no. And after that he was quiet and didn't say anything, and I only held him for a long time until I realised he was asleep. His nightmares are less frequent now but he still has them occasionally, so I didn't want to move and disturb him even though my arm was turning numb. We stayed like that for almost three hours and I fell asleep myself, and when he woke up he seemed fine and didn't say a single word about Roger. I found myself caught between several emotions. Anger at Roger that I suppose I'll always have, but also sadness. He had this beautiful boy and he could have been a decent father if he'd wanted to. He could have had a lot of things, good things, but he chose not to have any of them, and now our son is more relieved than anything that his father is dead. On one level that's just wrong, but on the other... I'm glad he took it so well. I'm glad this will hopefully help him put all this mess behind him and live a normal life.
Lastly, I've officially decided to stay in Chicago. I have been toying with the idea all summer and realised I'd really come to this decision when I started looking into schools for Leo. He may need to be held back a year since he missed so much of kindergarten, but we'll see. And I told John too and I've told Jordan. Now I just need to tell my mother, though I think she's guessed already. Leo and I have already discussed it together and that's one of the reasons we're staying: he wants to. He said he didn't want to move far away from Alex. I think a lot of it has to do with the bad memories of Boston right now, but whatever makes him happiest. I am prepared to do almost anything to make sure he is happy.