(Untitled)

[kim_watkins]

It's been a month since Roger took him. Every day I make it a point to go to the police station myself; every day I contact the FBI. I have a bag packed and ready in case they find him in another state and I have to fly immediately to him. There's clothes for me and for him, his favorite book and his teddy bear. I'd bring his cat if I could

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[jordansmuse]

*pulls up in front of Kim's house and slowly gets out of the car*

*walks up to the door and rings the bell, waiting for Kim to answer it*

[kim_watkins]

*Kim is standing at the open back door when she hears the knock, because she tries not to smoke in the house. It's late afternoon and she's not expecting anyone* Hold on. I'll be right there. *She drops the cig on the back step and grinds it out before going to answer the front door. She smiles when she sees Jordan, even though it almost feels hard to do that these days* Hi. Come in.

[jordansmuse]

*hugs Kim tentatively; smells the smoke, but decided not to say anything*

Hey. I just got done with my physical terrorist and wanted to come and see how you're doing.

[kim_watkins]

How's that going anyway? It seems to be doing something good. *she leads Jordan in, purposefully not looking at the stairs where Roger attacked her*

[jordansmuse]

*sits down tentatively* It's ok I suppose. The best part is she taught Woody how to massage it in the evenings so it doesn't lock up. But I'm not limping as much anymore, so I guess it's helping.

How are you?

[kim_watkins]

Massage huh? That ought to come in handy.

*her smile fades and she looks down, fiddling with the cover on the arm of the chair* Jordan, I saw a child today. A dead child. At the morgue. They wanted me to come in and see if it was Leo or not, but it wasn't.

[jordansmuse]

*shudders* Oh God, Kim. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm glad it's not him, but... *sighs* The little ones never get any easier.

[kim_watkins]

I know. I don't see how they could if it's anything like that. I mean I've seen pictures before with cases, but I've never seen it close up like that. And I examined that little boy as closely as I could because even though I was sure as soon as I saw him, I had to make complete sure, you know? So I did. And I held it together while I did somehow. And then I went and lost it in the car. Ever since then, all day I've been thinking about his mother and what she'll be going through when they identify him and tell her, and how that could have been me, and might still be. I... I smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes and I haven't eaten anything. I can't.

*She looks up finally* How do you handle it, Jordan? Dealing with that kind of thing every day and managing to stay... sane? I think you must be a lot stronger than I am, because I couldn't do it.

[jordansmuse]

*thinks for a moment* I don't really know. Maybe it's not having children that helps. Maybe it's being able to find answers ~ sometimes that's not much, but it might be all the family has. But they're never easy, the little ones. And they never get easier. Gar said one time the day they do is the day he quits, and I agree with him.

*sighs* Running helps. And...oh I don't know. Works as a pretty good reminder to take my pill every day ~ well, that plus knowing I wouldn't be good for a kid...probably screw them up even worse than I am.

*looks at Kim* Sorry... *takes her hands* They're going to find Leo and he's going to be...well, as alright as he can be. And he'll be alright. Howie gave me some names of some excellent child psychiatrists, a couple have dealt with kidnappings before. So I've got those, ok?

[kim_watkins]

Okay *she nods and starts to squeeze Jordan's hands maybe a little too hard before easing her grip* Thanks, Jor. I bet you never thought I'd be this wrapped up in a kid. I used to think I didn't want them because I was so busy with my own life and they'd just be a lot of trouble, and maybe I would screw them up too. But then Leo came and... all I can say is, it maybe doesn't happen for everyone but you might be surprised at how differently you feel when it's your own child. I'm not trying to talk you into having one or make you feel bad if you don't want any, but I'm just saying if it ever does it might not be as scary as you think.

*She sighs and glances away for a second before looking back at Jordan* Today was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I know it could get worse. I've always admired you for being able to do what you do, but I've never experienced firsthand what it's like. And... God. If I admired you before it's gone off the Richter scale today.

[jordansmuse]

*blushes* Oh Kim... I don't know...I think it's probably different when it's your child than when it's someone else's and you're just working on them. I don't know... But thanks.

And as for having them...long way from that. LONG way from that...

[kim_watkins]

Maybe that has something to do with it, but that doesn't change the fact that you have to be made of certain stuff and I don't think I am. God, I thought being an attorney was hard...

Don't let anyone put pressure on you to have them, Jordan. I believe it's best if people who do are ready because it's a lot of work, and a lot of self-sacrifice. The joys outweigh everything else but it's not easy, especially if something like this happens. My main comfort, if you can call it that, is that Leo's with his father. Maybe Roger will realise he really does love him or something and will make absolute sure nothing happens to him.

[jordansmuse]

*reaches over and takes Kim's hand*

Oh Kimmie. I think in his own way, he does. He justmight not be as demonstartive as you or something.

They're going to find him. Woody said that everyone's working very hard. And...well, I called a friend at the Bureau. A profiler. And based on the imdormation, he feels almosst certain that Roger won't hurt him.

[kim_watkins]

*Kim realises she's trembling, and craving another cigarette already. How easy it was to get hooked again* Really? Then I'll cling to that hope as well. But I also worry about Leo's psyche. What's this doing him? Not just being taken but seeing Roger attack us. I doubt he's making sure Leo gets the best counselling for that. *Her eyes move away from Jordan, scanning the room, searching for the pack of cigarettes she know she left in here*

[jordansmuse]

*sighs softly* Yeah. But there'll be time for that. There will be. It'll be better when he's home...because before that anything done will have to be redone.

*watches her for a moment*

Kim...it's going to turn out alright. I know it is.

[kim_watkins]

*she looks back at Jordan* You know what? I believe that. I mean I have low periods where I panic and can't think of anything but worst case scenarios. I mean, Roger's crazy. But most of the time I know I'll see him again. Maybe not next week. Maybe not this year, or for ten years. But someday. I have to believe that. I can't give up on my little boy.