the witch..she never came out again
To be happy is to be selfish, I honestly believe that. I don't understand why I always feel that need to be everyone else's beast of burden, but then never my own. I love to run away and bury myself in something fantastical. Weave a cocoon that can deflect all the pain and emotion that I feel. But how fast and far do you have to run before it catches up with you? What do I do when it does catch up with me and I can't deal with it? Where do I run to then?
The scariest thing to ever experince is that sinking feeling you have when you know so many other people are in pain and you're sitting there, full of happiness and a personal love of life, and you want to destory that happiness. Because you think its wrong to love and live when others are in pain.
I have been burdened with that feeling for the past 4 years of my life. Mr. Goulet, from guidence, was so worried for me when he found out I felt like that. There's nothing wrong with living your life and letting other people live their own. What is it about me that refuses to believe that? I need to change. Lately I've been growing more and more into my old ways. Go to bed late, wake up early, don't excerise, nap during the afternoon, always feel tired, repeat again and again. When I say I want to run away, I also try to sleep it away. That excuse that everything makes me tired is my safety mechenism so I don't have to deal with everyone, everything and myself. I need to stop.
I'm so scared that I don't know how to stop.
I have lapses where things are always looking better for me, then something drops from the sky and shits on my parade. I want to recapture that golden, happy feeling I had a week ago. There's nothing selfish with loving yourself. I can't go back to the way I was, when I was ugly, everything I did was worthless and I am a mistake in the lives of so many other people. Haven't I proved to myself over and over again that I'm not? I'm so much more.
I will raise above this.
I just hope once I do, it's gone for good. I don't ever want to retreat back into my cave coated with sleepless nights and days spent in a half daze. If there's one thing that the past few days should teach me is that life is goregous and far too short to waste. I want to grasp every oppintunity that comes my way.
I will.
It saddens me so that so many kids out there, my age or younger, my age or older, can't vaule what they are. You don't need to be a world famous anything to be happy. You need to look inside yourself and find that core of worth. There's where your happiness lies. I almost forgotten that. I will not, ever again. I also ranted and raved that there's so many other people out there who know nothing about the pain I've been feeling. Then I remembered - everyone has their own problems. Why should I be people's beast of burden when I myself have my own problems? Goulet told me, "What's wrong with being a bit selfish?" I can't solve everyone's problems, I can't help lessen everyone's grief, and I cannot be the pillar of strength for every important person in my life. But that doesn't mean I should become a cold-hearted, apathetic bitch. That's not who I am.
I tried so hard, ever since I can remember, to be something else. Someone thinner, someone smarter, someone better, someone cooler but in the end, I can only be me. I want to try to be loving and cheerful, but I will no longer harbor that overbearing feeling in me that if one other important person in my life feels like crap, I must too. That feeling, no that duty, I once felt was the most vaulable asset to my personality, and gave me a sense of selflessness and good-heartedness, in the end, only created a deeper and darker cave for me to sink into.
I will never again ask if I deserve any of these blessings I recieved. Since when must anyone be deserving to feel a sense of self-worth, pride and happiness?
I know now, that everyone is entitled that that, at the very least. To take whatever blessing they have, whatever beauty they can find with all their open heart and keep it for their own. Its one of the only ways I can think of that will help living in this crazy world a little bit easier.
Not all life is suffering, not all life is pain.
I said this once and I'll say this before - drink milkshakes, create your own crazy dance, love and take love freely. Find what your beauty is, and you'll see the beauty in others. And don't forget, moon a few people here and there for good measure.
~Kim
The scariest thing to ever experince is that sinking feeling you have when you know so many other people are in pain and you're sitting there, full of happiness and a personal love of life, and you want to destory that happiness. Because you think its wrong to love and live when others are in pain.
I have been burdened with that feeling for the past 4 years of my life. Mr. Goulet, from guidence, was so worried for me when he found out I felt like that. There's nothing wrong with living your life and letting other people live their own. What is it about me that refuses to believe that? I need to change. Lately I've been growing more and more into my old ways. Go to bed late, wake up early, don't excerise, nap during the afternoon, always feel tired, repeat again and again. When I say I want to run away, I also try to sleep it away. That excuse that everything makes me tired is my safety mechenism so I don't have to deal with everyone, everything and myself. I need to stop.
I'm so scared that I don't know how to stop.
I have lapses where things are always looking better for me, then something drops from the sky and shits on my parade. I want to recapture that golden, happy feeling I had a week ago. There's nothing selfish with loving yourself. I can't go back to the way I was, when I was ugly, everything I did was worthless and I am a mistake in the lives of so many other people. Haven't I proved to myself over and over again that I'm not? I'm so much more.
I will raise above this.
I just hope once I do, it's gone for good. I don't ever want to retreat back into my cave coated with sleepless nights and days spent in a half daze. If there's one thing that the past few days should teach me is that life is goregous and far too short to waste. I want to grasp every oppintunity that comes my way.
I will.
It saddens me so that so many kids out there, my age or younger, my age or older, can't vaule what they are. You don't need to be a world famous anything to be happy. You need to look inside yourself and find that core of worth. There's where your happiness lies. I almost forgotten that. I will not, ever again. I also ranted and raved that there's so many other people out there who know nothing about the pain I've been feeling. Then I remembered - everyone has their own problems. Why should I be people's beast of burden when I myself have my own problems? Goulet told me, "What's wrong with being a bit selfish?" I can't solve everyone's problems, I can't help lessen everyone's grief, and I cannot be the pillar of strength for every important person in my life. But that doesn't mean I should become a cold-hearted, apathetic bitch. That's not who I am.
I tried so hard, ever since I can remember, to be something else. Someone thinner, someone smarter, someone better, someone cooler but in the end, I can only be me. I want to try to be loving and cheerful, but I will no longer harbor that overbearing feeling in me that if one other important person in my life feels like crap, I must too. That feeling, no that duty, I once felt was the most vaulable asset to my personality, and gave me a sense of selflessness and good-heartedness, in the end, only created a deeper and darker cave for me to sink into.
I will never again ask if I deserve any of these blessings I recieved. Since when must anyone be deserving to feel a sense of self-worth, pride and happiness?
I know now, that everyone is entitled that that, at the very least. To take whatever blessing they have, whatever beauty they can find with all their open heart and keep it for their own. Its one of the only ways I can think of that will help living in this crazy world a little bit easier.
Not all life is suffering, not all life is pain.
I said this once and I'll say this before - drink milkshakes, create your own crazy dance, love and take love freely. Find what your beauty is, and you'll see the beauty in others. And don't forget, moon a few people here and there for good measure.
~Kim