ugh
I just have a complete lack of motivation to do anything. I'm sitting here. I've been sitting here for about 6 months now...doing absolutely nothing. In this time there are hundreds of things I have needed to do and havn't and its gotten me less and less motivated. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm never gonna get out of this. I feel like im lazy and worthless and ugly and fat and unintelligent and misunderstood and most people, like Andrew, would say Katie, you're doing it to yourself, if you want to change YOU have to change. I hate people who tell me that. its not UP to me. it's my brain! im not making excuses. I want to get up right now and go for a run then do my homework and study for finals i WANT to do that i really do. My mind literally will not let me. The more i think about this lately the more I KNOW i need medication. However, the last time I took it I felt weird and i gained even more weight. I'm just too afraid to see my doctor. Last time I saw her she gave me a prescription that I never picked up for the same reasons i dont do anythign else...i just COULDNT...and im afraid shell bring it up and i wont know what to say. I KNOW what to say...i can lie or pretend i forgot..but i just dont want to...i want to go back in time and get the prescription.
I seriously have some weird psychological problem. It keeps me from doing alot of things especially being happy. I notice that it's there, but I can't explain it. I think im just depressed and anxious, but those problems i don't like to talk about. I feel stupid that I ahve them even though i know it runs in my family as a neurological problem. People don't get that its not that im SAD...its that my brain literally wont LET me be happy. I get angry and frustrated and I want to change this I want to feel good, but I can't do anythign about it. Someone has to force me, but I can't ask for help. I hate the way I get treated when I mention it and I hate the way I get treated when I mention the way I hate how i get treated. I want it to be like a sinus infection like.. "oh! nbd! try this medication" i dont want to have to explaaaiiin it and have people ask me questions and talk about how often i want to kill myself or think about killing myself. I have self diagnosed. I'm depressed and axious the end. its not a big deal its just a big deal.
I need to go home. I can't fix this here..there's too many people to look at me and judge me. There's no reason for me to be this upset all the time...I know its not cuz everything sucks it's cuz I suck.
I seriously have some weird psychological problem. It keeps me from doing alot of things especially being happy. I notice that it's there, but I can't explain it. I think im just depressed and anxious, but those problems i don't like to talk about. I feel stupid that I ahve them even though i know it runs in my family as a neurological problem. People don't get that its not that im SAD...its that my brain literally wont LET me be happy. I get angry and frustrated and I want to change this I want to feel good, but I can't do anythign about it. Someone has to force me, but I can't ask for help. I hate the way I get treated when I mention it and I hate the way I get treated when I mention the way I hate how i get treated. I want it to be like a sinus infection like.. "oh! nbd! try this medication" i dont want to have to explaaaiiin it and have people ask me questions and talk about how often i want to kill myself or think about killing myself. I have self diagnosed. I'm depressed and axious the end. its not a big deal its just a big deal.
I need to go home. I can't fix this here..there's too many people to look at me and judge me. There's no reason for me to be this upset all the time...I know its not cuz everything sucks it's cuz I suck.