How Republicans view the last 30 years in Politics
An english friend of mine has been asking me about the US political system. Today, he asked me how the republican party sees the world.
I sent him back this.
A Republican view of the last 30 years in Politics
The 2008 election is almost upon us, and it's fair to say we've never been in such good shape. Our candidate leads the ticket with formidable strength, fortitude, and down to earthness, showing great resolve in the face of vicious partisan interviewers and plummeting poll numbers. She and her running mate will sweep the electoral college in November, ushering in another eight golden years of prosperity and peace. At this pivotal moment in history, when we are about to elect the love-child of Phillis Schafly and Forrest Gump, it is instructive to reflect on the last 30 years in American politics in a clear, unbiased way, free from the leftist media and their reality-based agendas. This editorial is brought to you by the Heritage Foundation and other groups whose membership requirements consist of extreme inherited wealth and a double digit IQ:
We start with Carter, aka worst president in history, shatterer of worlds, lapdog of Lenin, etc. His military career was a disgusting travesty, as only cowards serve on submarines and clean up after nuclear meltdowns. Following his stolen election victory he presided over an apocalyptic economic downturn, which had nothing to do with the policies of the previous administration, who were Gods, and nothing to do with what OPEC were up to at the time. Foreign policy wise he completely botched the Iranian revolution, failing to keep in power the rightfully elected Shah whom all the Iranians loved, and initiated the Camp David Accords, which were directly responsible for all the Arab-Israeli conflicts we've seen since.
Moving on we have Reagan. Reagan was a saint and a miracle worker. He had a glorious military record making movies and interviewing generals, and frequently came under heavy fire from cameras, for which he should have received at least a dozen purple hearts. He was single-handedly responsible for bringing down the Soviet Union, and anyone who says that bystanders like Gorbachev and Yeltsin had anything to do with it are marxo-trotskyite-seditionists. He was also responsible for the brilliant series of strategic withdrawals from Beirut after terrorists blew up the marine barracks there, cunningly foiling their plans by invading a completely unrelated country on the other side of the planet. People who call these withdrawals 'running away' are scum, as are people who say he had a yellow streak in him wider than a herd of ten thousand diarrhoetic camels stampeding wildly across the african savannah. He masterfully dealt with the Iranian threat by giving them guns. He brilliantly orchestrated the economic boom of the 1980s, which had nothing to do with the Democratic House but everything to do with the Republican Senate. Except of course for the tripling of the national debt, which had everything to do with the House irresponsibly sticking almost exactly to the budgets he sent them but nothing to do with the Senate, EXCEPT for when the Senate was under dem control and then it was their fault too. Have you all got that?
Then we have Bush I, who was only marginally less saintly than Reagan. The rapid nosedive the economy took under his administration was entirely the fault of the Dem congress; were it not for the Great Helmsmans steadying hand, things would have been a lot worse. He bravely and rightfully declared that atheists were not Americans, showed Saddam how tough he was by letting him invade Kuwait before doing anything about it, and stood staunchly by the Kurds in Iraq by running away when they asked for help. After four mellifluous years, he was forced out of office when, despite valiant efforts by GOP activists, black people managed to vote.
Next up we have the serial ejaculator Clintool. Clintool was a weak minded fool who dodged the draft by hiding out in one of the highest rated and most difficult academic programs in the world. His disastrous handling of the economy was only saved by the Republican Congress, who made sure of steady economic growth and prosperity. The record lack of deficits were due entirely to Congress, not the budgets Clinton sent them. The attacks on the WTC 38 days after he took office were entirely his fault, and anyone who suggests that Bush I should take some responsibility are demonstrating the classic left wing trait of fascism. Or is it communism? Whatever. Anyway, Clintool further demonstrated his incompetence by catching and jailing the perpetrators in Supermax, foiling the Millennium attacks, and ensuring that al quaeda never successfully attacked inside the USA again during his presidency. He was soft on terror, you see. Speaking of soft; at one point he got a blowjob from an intern and then lied about it, revealing himself as uniquely despicable, as no other man in recorded history has ever lied about their sex life. He was responsible for a disastrous military operation in the Balkans on some silly pretext to stop genocide, and his botched handling of this escapade resulted in literally no american lives being lost. While we're on the subject of the military; he loathed them, and demonstrated this loathing by increasing their budget, rejuvenating them with bleeding edge technology, and reorienting them to fight 21st century threats, thus ensuring that we cannot fight clear and present dangers such as a massive tank battle across the Eurasian peninsula against the Soviet empire. After all, Lenin might come back anytime...
Finally, we have Bush II, divine offspring of Bush I and a pulchritudinous angel disguised as a vicious-minded Mack truck. His military record was second only to Reagans, as he bravely defended Dallas suburbs from Vietcong insurgencies. In his younger days he managed several businesses, some so successful that they nearly showed a profit. He won the presidency fair and square with all eligible voters voting, five for him and four for his opponent. The WTC attacks that occurred 249 days after he took office were entirely Clintons fault, despite the fact that nearly all the hijackers entered the USA while Bush was president. The only further evidence you need is the 'Wall' memo, and just ignore the conspiracy nuts who say the memo was written in the 1970s and re-approved by every administration thereafter, including John Ashcroft in August 2001. Bush II loved the troops and proved it by sticking to the Clinton military budget, and then showed just how broken and useless Clintool had made the military by using it to invade and conquer in a week a country that the combined might of the entire Soviet Union had failed to conquer in nearly a decade. The downturn the economy took after he took office, and the losses of large numbers of jobs, was the fault of the Dem congress, except when Congress came under Republican control, then it became Clintons fault. Bush tirelessly fought against such weak minded ideologies as protecting the environment, teaching science in the classroom, and taxing rich people. He won the 2004 election fair and square against Kerry, whose military record consisted of trivial things like singlehandedly pursuing a rocketlauncher-armed vietnamese soldier under enemy fire and killing him with his bare hands. Since then he has pursued al quaeda across the globe, and the invasion of two countries and expenditure of several hundred billion dollars has meant that al quaeda is only slightly stronger now than it was in 2001. He has dealt with international crisis after crisis with the poise and elegance of a suicidal elephant jumping off the Eiffel tower; North Korea have nukes, Iran soon will have, and every country in the world hates us except Micronesia, and they only like us because we gave their king a couple of cows. On the domestic front he has presided over a steadily strengthening economy; highlights include a crashing dollar value, unfeasibly huge debt that might be repayable before the year infinity if we give the entire western seaboard to China, massive subprime mortgage bailouts, and the lowest rate of real GDP growth in the last 50 years. Oh, and the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. These crises have nothing to do with Bush II or the congress up until 2006, and instead are the fault of the congress since 2006. Obviously, they are also the fault of Clintool somehow as well. In the next few months, Bush II will leave the White House to enjoy his retirement, during which he hopes to finish reading My Pet Goat.