Self Awareness?
So I just finished watching Road to Perdition, one of my all time favorite movies (arguably Tom Hanks best) and I can't help but be awed by the sheer beauty of the movie. Of course, this has nothing to do with the post to follow, but at the very least, I just got your attention.
Every night when I go to sleep, as I lay down, the first things that come to mind are about myself. I think about my attitude, my behavior, my strengths, and my faults. I think about this or that, up and down, left and right, but the matter always comes back to the subject of me. Every night as sleep overtakes me, I feel the urge to get up out of bed and write something like this. Unfortunately, from a demanding school schedule and an overall lack of apathy, I've never gotten around to it. Road to Perdition probably ignited some of the emotions within me, and thus I am compelled to write. I am a unique person, pretty much like everyone else. While I can get into a long winded post about myself, instead I wish to focus this entry on something that has been bothering me for quite a long time:
My faults.
I am of the belief that you are the worst judge of your own character. Why? If they weren't your judgements, if they weren't your actions or beliefs, you wouldn't be doing them. While you can accept and understand that some of the things you do are bad or wrong, it won't change you/stop you from doing them simply due to that premise alone. I think this journal entry, more than anything else, is a way that I can communicate myself a little better to those that may not know much about me. I do not wish to (consciously) justify anything, nor do I have any specific goal. Be prepared for jumping around of thoughts. Now, enough nonscensical rambling, on to the list.
The first and biggest fault most people see in me is my arrogance. I come from what I feel is a spoiled background that I never truly wished to have. Seen as the prize of the family, my divorced parents constantly played a game of oneupsmanship to compete for my affection. Due to this, I became a bit emotionless and distant, but was instilled with a sense of responsibility and worth. All throughout my life, I've received countless stories of how I have more raw talent than most people have ever met. I am continiously given praise that many would die to achieve (in areas that I truly don't care about). I strive to achieve acceptance that I have never truly gotten, and have become snobbish and arrogant because of it. My arrogance comes from the actual skills and talent I do posses. I am smart, I am witty, I work extremely well under pressure, and I deliver results time and time again. Utilizing every skill at my disposal, as well as my inherent charisma (which I have been more then lucky to have), I prove that my words have worth. This is for naught, as nine times out of ten, I come off looking like an ass. Those who know me better or have known me for some time understand that I need to release and, well, be arrogant. I can be humble where I need to be, mainly with strangers, but my arrogant streak rears its ugly head more than once. I personally do not feel that I know more than others, instead I feel that I can guess close enough. I will ask for help where help is needed more often than not, but if I feel I can understand/figure it out on my own, than I will snub others who are there to help me. I resent those who patronize me. Even worse, I detest those who ignore me. This is where my true arrogance shines. I strive for the attention I never received growing up (or got too much of) and constantly implant myself wherever I damn well feel. This (obviously) creates the image of someone who feels the need to educate the 'lesser' peasants who he believes is such. I can tell you this is not true, and that my intentions are honest, but very few people really understand how to humor me. It is what has created my fear of loneliness, of solitude.
Moving on, my next fault is that I am a complete and stubborn ass. Depending on the context, this could either be very good or really bad. I hate budging on things that I feel or know are incorrect. I adhere by a fairly decent moral code which I try and follow as best as I can. While that has nothing to do with my stubborness, it is nice to mention. When I find something I believe in, I gather all the evidence I can, and seek to argue by attrition. Unless the other person has a clearly structured argument (which I will back down from), I will use every means neccessary to prove my point. If I know and accept my point is not valid, I will admit as such, or never have argued to begin with. This ties with my arrogance in that I feel I know and understand a point (more often than not, moreso than the person I am arguing with), and I will drive it into the ground. I will not, however, argue things I do not comprehend with a specialist. Example: Arguing biology with a biologist. Instead, I'll try and learn as much as I can before sparking any sort of engagement. This leads me to my next point.
I'm loud and long winded. This springs from my writing in that I love detail, I love description, and I love acknowledgement. Only one person in my entire life has ever truly acknowledged me (Thankful for her), and even still, it doesn't help. I ramble continuously and I love the sound of my own voice. I feel that by talking, people will see and hear me, and interact with me. By interacting me they acknowledge me. By acknowledging me, they are interested in what I am speaking of. By being interested, I give more to speak about, and the cycle begins anew. There are times when I am silent, and those are more special than anything else. I feel any especially long pause in conversation is an 'awkward' pause, and try more to fill the air with noise. I don't truly understand why, but I feel that perhaps it is that I simply move through life to fast to enjoy the moment. To enjoy the silence in the air as two people converse. It's foreign to me.
I'm overly analytical and an overachiever. I feel this is a bad trait mostly because it brings out the arrogance in me. When properly motivated, not only will I kick ass and take names, but I'll be chewing bubble gum and skipping rope the entire time. I analyze EVERYTHING. As I talk to people, as I look at people, as I interact, I watch every minute detail. This springs from my younger years in Belen where, through a route of self destruction, I made myself a pariah, and became paranoid of people backstabbing me (not too far from the truth). I began to study people, research psychological behaviors and mannerisms. I began to watch my friends, my family, strangers, and just muse about things that could be. I saw patterns that I'd note and I would analyze them. From there, I kept to take mental notes (good memory) and it snowballed. Over the course of my life, I built a mental database of how people act by body language, intonations, etc. This has come to show from my own speaking and acting skills, and how I am able to reproduce emotions or speeches with barely any practice. Out of all the guesses I've made, the things I've done, and the people I've analyzed (god, that sounds so morbid), I have a fairly good accuracy record, and I've yet to make any major fuckups. This, unfortunately, causes me to exaggerate a little on things I am a little more passionate about. While it rarely makes me incorrect, it still bothers me because of how much unconscious analyzing I do. I've become able to tell when people are smiling through the internet, and when they're happy or sad. It's a bit frustrating, if nothing more.
I have horrible self esteem. Because I keep seeking acceptance, I always feel I am not good enough. Charisma is a double edged blade. By not using it, by ignoring it, it eats away at me. I know, in my heart and body, I can be more than I am, but I won't. I feel that I'm worthless and a discardable piece of garbage. I think this is why I love playing weaker classes in a game, or support classes. This is also where the birth of my whining habit comes around (which is rarer then it sounds). I subconsciously make excuses at times to hide what I feel is my own incompetance. While some interpret this as whining, I think it's just my self esteem.
Done for now. I'm getting tired, but this is one of the longer posts I've written, and it's fairly helpful. Hope you enjoyed reading and understand a bit more about me, if nothing else.
Every night when I go to sleep, as I lay down, the first things that come to mind are about myself. I think about my attitude, my behavior, my strengths, and my faults. I think about this or that, up and down, left and right, but the matter always comes back to the subject of me. Every night as sleep overtakes me, I feel the urge to get up out of bed and write something like this. Unfortunately, from a demanding school schedule and an overall lack of apathy, I've never gotten around to it. Road to Perdition probably ignited some of the emotions within me, and thus I am compelled to write. I am a unique person, pretty much like everyone else. While I can get into a long winded post about myself, instead I wish to focus this entry on something that has been bothering me for quite a long time:
My faults.
I am of the belief that you are the worst judge of your own character. Why? If they weren't your judgements, if they weren't your actions or beliefs, you wouldn't be doing them. While you can accept and understand that some of the things you do are bad or wrong, it won't change you/stop you from doing them simply due to that premise alone. I think this journal entry, more than anything else, is a way that I can communicate myself a little better to those that may not know much about me. I do not wish to (consciously) justify anything, nor do I have any specific goal. Be prepared for jumping around of thoughts. Now, enough nonscensical rambling, on to the list.
The first and biggest fault most people see in me is my arrogance. I come from what I feel is a spoiled background that I never truly wished to have. Seen as the prize of the family, my divorced parents constantly played a game of oneupsmanship to compete for my affection. Due to this, I became a bit emotionless and distant, but was instilled with a sense of responsibility and worth. All throughout my life, I've received countless stories of how I have more raw talent than most people have ever met. I am continiously given praise that many would die to achieve (in areas that I truly don't care about). I strive to achieve acceptance that I have never truly gotten, and have become snobbish and arrogant because of it. My arrogance comes from the actual skills and talent I do posses. I am smart, I am witty, I work extremely well under pressure, and I deliver results time and time again. Utilizing every skill at my disposal, as well as my inherent charisma (which I have been more then lucky to have), I prove that my words have worth. This is for naught, as nine times out of ten, I come off looking like an ass. Those who know me better or have known me for some time understand that I need to release and, well, be arrogant. I can be humble where I need to be, mainly with strangers, but my arrogant streak rears its ugly head more than once. I personally do not feel that I know more than others, instead I feel that I can guess close enough. I will ask for help where help is needed more often than not, but if I feel I can understand/figure it out on my own, than I will snub others who are there to help me. I resent those who patronize me. Even worse, I detest those who ignore me. This is where my true arrogance shines. I strive for the attention I never received growing up (or got too much of) and constantly implant myself wherever I damn well feel. This (obviously) creates the image of someone who feels the need to educate the 'lesser' peasants who he believes is such. I can tell you this is not true, and that my intentions are honest, but very few people really understand how to humor me. It is what has created my fear of loneliness, of solitude.
Moving on, my next fault is that I am a complete and stubborn ass. Depending on the context, this could either be very good or really bad. I hate budging on things that I feel or know are incorrect. I adhere by a fairly decent moral code which I try and follow as best as I can. While that has nothing to do with my stubborness, it is nice to mention. When I find something I believe in, I gather all the evidence I can, and seek to argue by attrition. Unless the other person has a clearly structured argument (which I will back down from), I will use every means neccessary to prove my point. If I know and accept my point is not valid, I will admit as such, or never have argued to begin with. This ties with my arrogance in that I feel I know and understand a point (more often than not, moreso than the person I am arguing with), and I will drive it into the ground. I will not, however, argue things I do not comprehend with a specialist. Example: Arguing biology with a biologist. Instead, I'll try and learn as much as I can before sparking any sort of engagement. This leads me to my next point.
I'm loud and long winded. This springs from my writing in that I love detail, I love description, and I love acknowledgement. Only one person in my entire life has ever truly acknowledged me (Thankful for her), and even still, it doesn't help. I ramble continuously and I love the sound of my own voice. I feel that by talking, people will see and hear me, and interact with me. By interacting me they acknowledge me. By acknowledging me, they are interested in what I am speaking of. By being interested, I give more to speak about, and the cycle begins anew. There are times when I am silent, and those are more special than anything else. I feel any especially long pause in conversation is an 'awkward' pause, and try more to fill the air with noise. I don't truly understand why, but I feel that perhaps it is that I simply move through life to fast to enjoy the moment. To enjoy the silence in the air as two people converse. It's foreign to me.
I'm overly analytical and an overachiever. I feel this is a bad trait mostly because it brings out the arrogance in me. When properly motivated, not only will I kick ass and take names, but I'll be chewing bubble gum and skipping rope the entire time. I analyze EVERYTHING. As I talk to people, as I look at people, as I interact, I watch every minute detail. This springs from my younger years in Belen where, through a route of self destruction, I made myself a pariah, and became paranoid of people backstabbing me (not too far from the truth). I began to study people, research psychological behaviors and mannerisms. I began to watch my friends, my family, strangers, and just muse about things that could be. I saw patterns that I'd note and I would analyze them. From there, I kept to take mental notes (good memory) and it snowballed. Over the course of my life, I built a mental database of how people act by body language, intonations, etc. This has come to show from my own speaking and acting skills, and how I am able to reproduce emotions or speeches with barely any practice. Out of all the guesses I've made, the things I've done, and the people I've analyzed (god, that sounds so morbid), I have a fairly good accuracy record, and I've yet to make any major fuckups. This, unfortunately, causes me to exaggerate a little on things I am a little more passionate about. While it rarely makes me incorrect, it still bothers me because of how much unconscious analyzing I do. I've become able to tell when people are smiling through the internet, and when they're happy or sad. It's a bit frustrating, if nothing more.
I have horrible self esteem. Because I keep seeking acceptance, I always feel I am not good enough. Charisma is a double edged blade. By not using it, by ignoring it, it eats away at me. I know, in my heart and body, I can be more than I am, but I won't. I feel that I'm worthless and a discardable piece of garbage. I think this is why I love playing weaker classes in a game, or support classes. This is also where the birth of my whining habit comes around (which is rarer then it sounds). I subconsciously make excuses at times to hide what I feel is my own incompetance. While some interpret this as whining, I think it's just my self esteem.
Done for now. I'm getting tired, but this is one of the longer posts I've written, and it's fairly helpful. Hope you enjoyed reading and understand a bit more about me, if nothing else.