Warning
This is without a doubt one of those gay entries. I'll try to make up for it later. Don't say there's wasn't a warning.
The last month and a half has been one of the hardest I've ever had. Not from a work perspective, but really just from a life perspective. Yeah, it all started with one week and a nervous breakdown, but now that I look back that helped me more than I can express. I learned more about myself and how I deal with stress and hardship. I relearned the importance of introspection and just how good a long walk is. I realized that the nostalgia I feel is not from being lonely or being homesick, but really just from a lack of direction. I think I'm a wanderer. I don't just want to see the world, I want to keep moving. This week I seriously considered not staying home for the summer but packing up some stuff, hitting the road, working some odd jobs, and not staying in one place for more than a couple weeks. I want to drive west and keep going. I want to have nothing to guide me except for going on roads that say "west". Yeah, I want to see the sights, I want to experience the culture, but truth be told I'm not so big on America. I'm not so big on Europe. I don't like what I already know. I want to go, see things I've never seen, meet people that shouldn't exist according to what I know. I want to challenge everything I've learned. I figured out why I love stories with worlds that are completely inventive and different. Rich vibrant settings that aren't real. Not in a fantasy type of thing, but in a world where things are unique. I want to know the unknown and take it all in. If I could I would learn everything only to find what isn't known. I think I beat this idea to death, but it's the truth. It's what explains my feelings.
I'm not depressed. I've never considered myself to be depressed. The only problem I have is I feel like there's something missing. I don't know what could fill it and that worries me. I'm afraid I won't find it and that scares me. I don't have the ability to see into my future without thinking about death. I can only imagine my whole life zooming by me and missing everything. It's a sickening feeling of helplessness. I can't wait for psychoanalysis, it's gonna be fun.
I figured out one part of my life. I miss being creative. I feel like school drains some of my soul. I can't do the things I did in high school without someone going "dude, that's totally random." I was never into that art house shit, but the things I make don't make any sense. I miss being able to do that and not getting blank stares. I guess that's why I have the friends I have. I know they aren't idiots. When I miss home and my friends it's not because I miss seeing them. It's because I miss the people that they are. Everyone back home is unique, I can't say I've ever found someone that stacks up to them in any way. I miss being creative. I miss doing whatever I wanted to do and making what I wanted to make. I miss art. Life sucks, adolescence sucks, I think I'm gonna go listen to the Cure and wear a lot of black.
The last month and a half has been one of the hardest I've ever had. Not from a work perspective, but really just from a life perspective. Yeah, it all started with one week and a nervous breakdown, but now that I look back that helped me more than I can express. I learned more about myself and how I deal with stress and hardship. I relearned the importance of introspection and just how good a long walk is. I realized that the nostalgia I feel is not from being lonely or being homesick, but really just from a lack of direction. I think I'm a wanderer. I don't just want to see the world, I want to keep moving. This week I seriously considered not staying home for the summer but packing up some stuff, hitting the road, working some odd jobs, and not staying in one place for more than a couple weeks. I want to drive west and keep going. I want to have nothing to guide me except for going on roads that say "west". Yeah, I want to see the sights, I want to experience the culture, but truth be told I'm not so big on America. I'm not so big on Europe. I don't like what I already know. I want to go, see things I've never seen, meet people that shouldn't exist according to what I know. I want to challenge everything I've learned. I figured out why I love stories with worlds that are completely inventive and different. Rich vibrant settings that aren't real. Not in a fantasy type of thing, but in a world where things are unique. I want to know the unknown and take it all in. If I could I would learn everything only to find what isn't known. I think I beat this idea to death, but it's the truth. It's what explains my feelings.
I'm not depressed. I've never considered myself to be depressed. The only problem I have is I feel like there's something missing. I don't know what could fill it and that worries me. I'm afraid I won't find it and that scares me. I don't have the ability to see into my future without thinking about death. I can only imagine my whole life zooming by me and missing everything. It's a sickening feeling of helplessness. I can't wait for psychoanalysis, it's gonna be fun.
I figured out one part of my life. I miss being creative. I feel like school drains some of my soul. I can't do the things I did in high school without someone going "dude, that's totally random." I was never into that art house shit, but the things I make don't make any sense. I miss being able to do that and not getting blank stares. I guess that's why I have the friends I have. I know they aren't idiots. When I miss home and my friends it's not because I miss seeing them. It's because I miss the people that they are. Everyone back home is unique, I can't say I've ever found someone that stacks up to them in any way. I miss being creative. I miss doing whatever I wanted to do and making what I wanted to make. I miss art. Life sucks, adolescence sucks, I think I'm gonna go listen to the Cure and wear a lot of black.