(no subject)
Because I could not stop for Death-
He kindly stopped for me-
The carriage held but just Ourselves-
And Immortality.
I heard there's more to live than living but living isn't so easy when you want nothing to do with it. Im crazy. I ramble on about nothing, without a point. Sometimes I feel like thats exactly how i live my life, without a point. How do you know when you have truely "lived" if there is no point, no destination, no prurpose. Do you only know that you have lived when your dead? Or wouldn't that be too late? Every night I think to myself ‘What am I doing with my life?’ And Im not sure which is worse, knowing that I actually have to ask myself or not having an answer. "Hi, Im Alex. I don't know who I am, where Im going , or what I want in life". I rant, I rave, I ramble. To be exact Im a clinically diagnosed manic depressant, otherwise known as ‘Bi-polar’. It’s official, Im crazy, right? Wrong. I need help. I need a motivation in my life. Im tired of watching my life go downhill but at the same time I have no motivation to stop it. My group of friends changes with the seasons. Reinventing yourself can be fun but not knowing who you are is just pathetic. After seventeen years and five months one would think they have a pretty good grasp on who they are. Not in my case. I feel like after being in school for twelve years I know nothing. School teaches to expand the mind, not the soul. It is the most bullshit excuse to learn. What is the point of expanding your mind if it cant teach you anything about life? How do you tell someone how they really mean to you? Can you look it up in a thesaurus? Is there some physics equation that can tell you? The inverse of you is the ratio of my heart and my soul, which is directly proportional to how I feel about us. The chemistry between us in infinite but the friction is unbearable. I wish things were different. I don’t know how many times I could say that and still mean it just as much as I did the first time I said it. I resorted to pot on a daily basis because it made me not care. And when I didn’t care I didn’t think about how shitty my life was and still is. Sometimes I wish I still was a pothead, cause then I wouldn’t care and I wouldn’t be doing this. You know that saying ‘You never realize how much something means to you until its gone?’ Well, its true. I miss being happy, or at least thinking I was. My life is steadily declining and Im here for the ride.
On a lighter note, im grounded until forever. Why? Marijuana. And I quit my job. Goodbye Nissan Sentra. Ripped the plates right off. Hello Miss I get THREE fucking incompletes on a report card. and the best one is “goodbye college” even though I’ve gotten in everywhere I applied to.