You're not coming back, cant you come back?
i am in another one of those weird rambling moods. It all spwaned from earlier today. megan and i went to eat after school and we had a really really awesome talk. about people, and friendships and whatever. It made me open my eyes and realize a lot of things. And to get stuff off my chest, talk to someone about it. Also, it made me think a lot. I feel like sometimes people treat me like shit or not how i should be, even out of common courtsey of a normal friendship. One person in particular. And i'm always so back and fourth. I need to figure out if it is even worth it. A friendship is two sided and not just out of convience. Maybe i am too damn passive agressive. I seriously need to speak up for myself more often. I cant let people walk all over me. I need to defend myself and not be so concered with what will happen. I will deal with the consequences. Sometimes i think it comes back to my issues with anexitey. I dont want to be one of those people who just blames whatever is going on in their lives on some "illness" or make some thing up to cope with the fact that they are just fucked up, but i just feel like i have some type of issue with anexitey. I get too anxious and nervous when i want to tell someone how i feel or whatever and I cant do it. Maybe its me being a fucking wuss, who knows.
I realized i'm not as "okay" with things as i thought. With friendships and the way i've been treated. I miss things too. A friendship is two sided and hurts and sucks to let one slip away. There are so many things I miss. A lot of the little things. Coming to terms and understanding things will never be the same is a bitch. And its going to suck. I feel like a lot of friendships are going to 'end' soon since school will be over. People will say they will call, but come on, we are all so goddamn lazy, and we'd like to blame it on someone else for not calling.
Being able to have conversations like this is amazing. they impact me beyond belief. I'll analyze and think about it for probably the next couple of days. Its nice to be able to have a friendship on so many levels. I'm so lucky to have the friends i do have. And to have the amazing friendships with people in the past. Especially Jessie. We were awesome friends and I dont think i'll ever have another type of friendship like that. We had this amazing ability to get in the stupidest fights and get over them so quickly. Not that i ever get in huge fights with people, but it was just kind of one of those things you almost miss? I dont know.
I'm just feeling about 20 million different emotions right now. So whatever.