long time
well its been quiet a long while since i have even been on this site. About since august of 2007 i believe. It took me all damn day just to even remember my log in shit. I highly doubt any of the people i used to keep in touch with even use this shit anymore. But o well. A lot has happened to me since mid last year. lots of changes. Some good some bad. I have had two friends pass away. Due to suicide. The most selfish way to go, in my opinion. They both had a lot of demons in there life. And they decided to give in and let the demons take control and there life. It took a hard toll on me. Could i have stopped them from doing the unthinkable? Probably not. Did I try to help? No. And that is something that haunts me to this day. I will never forget both the mornings that i found out the bad news. I had already moved back home to Maryville after living in Knoxville for a while. I always hated so bad living in Maryville. Hated my parents. Did not have many friends at all. A good friend of mine asked me if i wanted to move in with them in Knoxville (15 minutes north of Maryville). So i decided to take the offer. Hell it couldnt be that hard being on your own. Boy was i wrong. No more could i waste money away on drinking and smoking weed. But I did it anyway. Totally fucked my head up and my body. I got really scared. I thought i was turning into an alcoholic. Never was really concerned about the weed smoking. It only just took money out of my wallet. I would come home from working on the 3rd shift. Come into the apartment, which usually was filled with sleeping drunk idiots that i didnt really like anyway. Usually would have to kick a couple that just got through sexin each other out of my room. Id spark up a bowl and drink till i couldnt see straight. I would pass out and get up and go to work only to come home , see and do the same thing. To be honest, it got really old. But I got so used to it. If i tried to take a break from it I would get really depressed. And if any of you know me, depression was really bad for me and still is to this day. Work stressed me out, barely making enough money to pay my truck bill, my 4 wheeler bill, my insurance, my cell phone bill, and to pay my friend part of the rent. But anyway after a while of this my roomate moved out on me. Went back home, left me there by myself. Depression got worse cause i was always alone after this Finally moved back home. kept drinking, stopped the pot smoking. I was miserable in Maryville. Ever Since my elementary school days. Full of rich fucks and richy bitches. Nobody gonna give somebody like me a chance for a friendship. I was not rich. I bought my clothes at Goodwill and most of my shirts at metal shows i went to. So i was not the type of person people wanted to be friends with Hell the people that were like me hated me. Not sure why but o well. So yeah, living in maryville sucked fucking ass. Found out one of my friends hung himself while going through a terrible break up with his g/f. Kinda sad really never understood why somebody would kill themselves over something like that (remember this at the end). i was heartbroken. 1 of probably 3 or 4 that i called good friends. Dead. Couple of months down the road. Another death in my life. It made living Maryville so horrible. I went into hiding. I did not know what to do. Finally starting getting out into bars and stuff. Drinking got heavier. not sure i ever really turned into an alcoholic. People looked down at me like i was though. Anyway to make this story a little bit shorter. I met some people who got concerned about me. Helped me get away from the drinking. Did not stop drinking completely. But i slowed it down major. Got into watching local indy wrestling around the area. Met some amazing people. I started doing Security at the shows. (this is the good changes now). Was working a show in i believe lake city, TN I pulled into the parking lot saw this really amazing girl. Pink and black hair. Tattoos, piercings. She blew my mind. She was the most beautiful girl i ever seen. Me being the shy fucker i am, all i could do is look at her and want to talk to her. But i never could bring myself to it. Turns out that about a month later she seen me on this stupid backyard wrestling bullshit crap i used to do myspace page. She added me, i added her back At the time i didnt realize this was the same girl. But it was. Maybe it was a sign from god. who knows. All i know is, the most beautiful girl i ever layed my eyes on was now talking to me. We exchanged numbers. talked for about a month or so. Finally met up for the first time ever at a yet another wrestling show We only talked for about 3 minutes. I was shy, she was shy. we both didnt really know what to say. We made plans to hang out again. We went to boomsday 08. I was a nervous wreck. I knew i had a crush on her since we started talking over myspace. Did not really think anything would come from it. Cause at the time it never did and if it did, it would only last a couple of weeks to a couple of months. Little did i know that on this night i found my future wife. we walked about a mile id say to watch the fireworks. It was her, her two kids Aiden (2) and Katie (5) and myself. We spread our blanket around. we all sat down to wait for the sun to go down to watch the firework display. During this time, she was talking my head. Anybody that knows me, knows i hate that shit. But I loved it from her. I fell in love instantly. We got kinda close to each other a couple of times. Me bein shy, it freaked me the fuck out. after the fire works. We walked the long ass way back to her car and she drove me to drop me off at my truck. We were about to say our goodbyes for the evening. I got out of the car and she got out as well. We hugged and i opened my truck door. Gave her another hug and sat down in my truck. She scooted into my truck with me, which totally freaked me out. I knew i liked this girl but i didnt know she liked me. We were really close and we were talking and I somehow got the balls to kiss her. It was the most amazing kiss ever. We continued to kiss for about 5-10 minutes id say. Hell i was shocked she even kissed me back, i was not even keeping track of time. All i know is, after the firework display we just watched. We had out own display. We finally said our final go goodbyes or so we thought. On the way home i texted her and was like "i really didnt wanna leave and i really dont wanna go home" so she told me to come back and that i could come by her place. I ended up spending the night, fell totally in love with her. and to make this story short. We got married on october 10 2008. Matthew and Jennifer Lang. love at first sight? oh yeah. She showed me the true meaning of happiness. I love her with all my heart. She is right now sleeping right beside me, she is probably faking and watching me write this extremly long blog. Currently we have been having problems. I lied to her and we seperated for about 3 weeks. She finally agreed to let me come back for us to work everything out. everything was perfect for the first 5 days. I fucked up and did something stupid and told another lie. I hate being me sometimes. She is the love of my life, i should be able to tell her anything. I honestly think there is something wrong with my brain. We are taking our seperate ways again for this coming weekend... shes going to stay with her dad and im going to be staying with, oddly enough, her ex husband. Im not really a religous person. But i swear i have said about 30 prayers just for one more chance at fixing us. Im tired of lieing to her, im tired of hurting her. I explained to her tonight as i was massaging her back that even though i make mistakes like this, it does not mean i dont lover her. And I am willing to do whatever it takes, to make things right and get her to trust me again. I love her so much and im so proud to have the family i have now. I hope we stay together for the rest of our lives. Im really tired, I am going to fucking bed