..blah blah blah..
this morning we got up real early and went to mass with jan, alex, and stuart. so my day was pretty much done from the start. it was a long mass for many reasons. sometimes i find it hard to see them...alex cries and i always know that jan will say something about matt and i know that stuart won't. i don't know which is worse..saying something or nothing. sometimes it's hard just being around stuart..and it's not his fault..and it's not fair for me to hold it against him..and i don't..it's just hard. everytime he smiles and all i can see is matt. or when i forget why he and i are actually talking now..or sometimes when i have a real bad day and i see him and all i can think about is walking into the door that night and seeing him standing there crying..and me standing there crying..and matt on the garage floor...but i think it's harder to not see them. i still lose my breath when i walk into the house..and i know i always will.
all these people wanna hang out and go places and i just can't. i just don't feel comfortable...i dunno it's weird. i'm never in the mood for anything. it's like i only have one mood and it never seems to be a good one.
heather and jackie came over tonight. jackie wanted out of her house..or whateve. so they came to my house...cool. becuz that means that they get out of their houses and i'm still stuck at mine awesome..just awesome. becuz i love hanging out at my house all the time..it's great fun..great fun. they smoked. i didn't. why smoke at my house...just to sit at my house some more..i can do that without wasting the weed. i was tired..and i had shit i had to do and i knew if i smoked i wouldn't get it done..and it's boring to sit at my house and smoke..i live here..i can do it any time i want. it's weird not being with matt on days like today.
sometimes i wonder if people laugh becuz they forgot, or becuz they pretend, or becuz they don't really know what to do with themselves. sometimes i wonder why i laugh..it doesn't make me froget..most of the time it doesn't even make me feel better. maybe it just helps pass the time.
i take really long showers now..like extra long. the shower is the only place that i feel comfortable. there's no one around to stare at me, or watch me cry, or ask if i'm ok becuz i'm obviously not ok..and i know that i'll never be ok. but that doesn't matter in the shower..and that's why i spend so much time there. sometimes i look at the shampoo and forget what i'm doing and then i realize i'm crying..it's weird..but it's like it's ok there becuz i know when i leave the bathroom everything that happened there..stays there..no one needs to know that i cried..or that i was thinking about him soo much i washed my hair with shampoo three times..i can be alone there and not feel bad about feeling bad.
i hate doing pretty much anything becuz i know if matt were here..he'd be doing it too. like evn going to do those service hours after school...matt would be there...today at breakfast with grandma..matt would be there...this afternoon when my mom and i were watching a movie..matt would be there. everything is just too weird to be happy.
all these people wanna hang out and go places and i just can't. i just don't feel comfortable...i dunno it's weird. i'm never in the mood for anything. it's like i only have one mood and it never seems to be a good one.
heather and jackie came over tonight. jackie wanted out of her house..or whateve. so they came to my house...cool. becuz that means that they get out of their houses and i'm still stuck at mine awesome..just awesome. becuz i love hanging out at my house all the time..it's great fun..great fun. they smoked. i didn't. why smoke at my house...just to sit at my house some more..i can do that without wasting the weed. i was tired..and i had shit i had to do and i knew if i smoked i wouldn't get it done..and it's boring to sit at my house and smoke..i live here..i can do it any time i want. it's weird not being with matt on days like today.
sometimes i wonder if people laugh becuz they forgot, or becuz they pretend, or becuz they don't really know what to do with themselves. sometimes i wonder why i laugh..it doesn't make me froget..most of the time it doesn't even make me feel better. maybe it just helps pass the time.
i take really long showers now..like extra long. the shower is the only place that i feel comfortable. there's no one around to stare at me, or watch me cry, or ask if i'm ok becuz i'm obviously not ok..and i know that i'll never be ok. but that doesn't matter in the shower..and that's why i spend so much time there. sometimes i look at the shampoo and forget what i'm doing and then i realize i'm crying..it's weird..but it's like it's ok there becuz i know when i leave the bathroom everything that happened there..stays there..no one needs to know that i cried..or that i was thinking about him soo much i washed my hair with shampoo three times..i can be alone there and not feel bad about feeling bad.
i hate doing pretty much anything becuz i know if matt were here..he'd be doing it too. like evn going to do those service hours after school...matt would be there...today at breakfast with grandma..matt would be there...this afternoon when my mom and i were watching a movie..matt would be there. everything is just too weird to be happy.