(no subject)
i didn't really finish my last entry....even though he wasn't in that stupid box...he was in the room. he pulled matt mesas all night..hehe. the sign fell down, the place almost caught fire, the toilets over flowed..it was matt.
we all smoked a newport for matt mother fuckin mesa last night. me, logan, joe pye, stuart, wrenn, travis, that boy who said he doesn't smoke, jimmy...all of us..it was nice. eric's been real good to me lately too...me, stuart, wrenn, and eric were walking outside and eric put his arm around me and asked how i was and then he was like "so i hear today was the first day you changed clothes in about 5 days" and i was like..yea that sounds right..hehe
everyone started to leave and my mom came out and sat with me eric and wrenn and told eric about how we wanted her to go buy the weed and she wouldn't..and then stuart came back and they made me tell him the story.
my mom left, eric brought his car around
we sat and listened to a song or two..wrenn thought he said "hand full of mayonaise" and he really says "hand full of bandaids" but we got a good laugh out of that.
we went inside...stuart asked me "what's she still doing here" and honestly i didn't know..but i told him after the things she said she didn't deserve to be and he told me she had problems of her own and i said that she didn't have to take it out on me or his family..and he asked what she said..and i told him not to worry about it becuz i took care of it..and he was like "yea she said some stuff to me too."
i think matt is happy that stuart and i can have a conversation...when before we could barely be in the same room together. matt..you little fucker..always bringing people together.
i felt better after last night..i mean it was horrible..but i felt better..stuart and i looked into the sky for awhile..while wrenn danced and eric played guitar..and i knew matt was never gonna leave..and now that i talk to him..i know that it's ok for me to live.
alex told me that he appreciated me standing up for his son and that matt knew i was defending him and he told me that matt always loved me..and jan told me how matt always said he cared about me..and i told alex that i loved matt more than anything...which is true.
joe pye, beansy, aj and matt spent the night...matt slept with me..someone called me after i hung up with heather and i told them that i had to go..becuz i could feel matt in the room. and i said "come on matt..i saved a spot for you" and i pulled the covers back..i know he was there..i felt him..i felt him crawl under the covers..and i felt his hair on my pillow..and i felt his arm around me....and i fell asleep right away for the first time..and when i woke up..it was ok. it still wasn't as beautiful as when he really did woke up next to me...but it wasn't as ugly as it has been.
so as a conclusion i've decided that matt is now going to have to live through me..and logan, and aj, and all of us..and i believe that we are all going to do the best job possible. i just got a double stack with nothing but cheese..just for matt..and i'm gonna put on pounds of ketchup..becuz i think he'd like one right now..and i don't know if there's a wendys in heaven..and if there isn't..matt better have one there by the time i get there..or else.
i'll never love anyone like i love matt...but i'll never stop loving matt..but i know eventually the pain won't be so bad..becuz now..after everything..and after knowing that he didn't want to die..and that he planned on walking out of there..and that he didn't really suffer too bad...i'll feel better one day. instead of seeing everyday as "another day without matt" i'm gonna see it as "another day that takes me closer to seeing him again" not that i want to die..or anything..just that i know he's gonna be there. it's not gonna be easy..i type it out and it sounds like it will be..but i know it won't be..and that's ok. becuz i have people that are here for me..and i need to be there for other people..and there will always be a seat for matt mesa in the circle!
we all smoked a newport for matt mother fuckin mesa last night. me, logan, joe pye, stuart, wrenn, travis, that boy who said he doesn't smoke, jimmy...all of us..it was nice. eric's been real good to me lately too...me, stuart, wrenn, and eric were walking outside and eric put his arm around me and asked how i was and then he was like "so i hear today was the first day you changed clothes in about 5 days" and i was like..yea that sounds right..hehe
everyone started to leave and my mom came out and sat with me eric and wrenn and told eric about how we wanted her to go buy the weed and she wouldn't..and then stuart came back and they made me tell him the story.
my mom left, eric brought his car around
we sat and listened to a song or two..wrenn thought he said "hand full of mayonaise" and he really says "hand full of bandaids" but we got a good laugh out of that.
we went inside...stuart asked me "what's she still doing here" and honestly i didn't know..but i told him after the things she said she didn't deserve to be and he told me she had problems of her own and i said that she didn't have to take it out on me or his family..and he asked what she said..and i told him not to worry about it becuz i took care of it..and he was like "yea she said some stuff to me too."
i think matt is happy that stuart and i can have a conversation...when before we could barely be in the same room together. matt..you little fucker..always bringing people together.
i felt better after last night..i mean it was horrible..but i felt better..stuart and i looked into the sky for awhile..while wrenn danced and eric played guitar..and i knew matt was never gonna leave..and now that i talk to him..i know that it's ok for me to live.
alex told me that he appreciated me standing up for his son and that matt knew i was defending him and he told me that matt always loved me..and jan told me how matt always said he cared about me..and i told alex that i loved matt more than anything...which is true.
joe pye, beansy, aj and matt spent the night...matt slept with me..someone called me after i hung up with heather and i told them that i had to go..becuz i could feel matt in the room. and i said "come on matt..i saved a spot for you" and i pulled the covers back..i know he was there..i felt him..i felt him crawl under the covers..and i felt his hair on my pillow..and i felt his arm around me....and i fell asleep right away for the first time..and when i woke up..it was ok. it still wasn't as beautiful as when he really did woke up next to me...but it wasn't as ugly as it has been.
so as a conclusion i've decided that matt is now going to have to live through me..and logan, and aj, and all of us..and i believe that we are all going to do the best job possible. i just got a double stack with nothing but cheese..just for matt..and i'm gonna put on pounds of ketchup..becuz i think he'd like one right now..and i don't know if there's a wendys in heaven..and if there isn't..matt better have one there by the time i get there..or else.
i'll never love anyone like i love matt...but i'll never stop loving matt..but i know eventually the pain won't be so bad..becuz now..after everything..and after knowing that he didn't want to die..and that he planned on walking out of there..and that he didn't really suffer too bad...i'll feel better one day. instead of seeing everyday as "another day without matt" i'm gonna see it as "another day that takes me closer to seeing him again" not that i want to die..or anything..just that i know he's gonna be there. it's not gonna be easy..i type it out and it sounds like it will be..but i know it won't be..and that's ok. becuz i have people that are here for me..and i need to be there for other people..and there will always be a seat for matt mesa in the circle!