..will you still recognize me then?
alright so lately i've been going over a lot of shit in my head..none of really makes sense..none of it ever makes sense..or maybe it does. sense or no sense i figure maybe writing it down will bring me to some kind of realization. introductions..who needs em
it's interesting to see how someone can suddenly mean close to nothing when the once meant almost everything. people that i once wanted to be linked with for life fail to get the time of day. whether i'm at fault or not doesn't matter. in certain cases i found myself getting closer and closer to people and not liking the person i was getting to know. on thesurface they were completely different from who they are underneath. sometimes i wish people were something that they aren't because it'd be more convienent for me. i want to make everyone what i want because at one point they were what i wanted or what i needed. i know everyone chances, i've changed a whole lot and i'd like to think it was a good chance. now i don't know if it was my change or thiers that caused the drift. i do know that i love who i am. i'm full of myself, i'm mucho fun, and i'm happy. that's what i am now and it seems like that's what they used to be. but how would i know if they were happy or not. how would i know. i'm not talking about one person in particular, i'm talking about a few of them.
on the other side there are those that i get really close to and like ten times more than i did before..and things happen and we drift. i guess i should be used to it. i get so close, so close i can feel it. i understand them for the first time in a long time and we connect and then we go a few days without seeing each other. days turn into weeks, and after a few weeks what difference does a couple months make. it makes all the difference. sometimes i feel empty without certain people or without a sense of closure.
i wonder can i truly be happy and empty at the same time?
THere are people who think about me when i don't think about them, and there are people who think about me when i never thought they did, and then there are those who think about me less than i think about them, or not at all. that's what hurts. being human. but i guess that's the balance i was looking for. maybe it's not.
i don't ever know exactly what i want, or it's what i can't get. i think about the "special links" that i should have with certain people that i don't have..and i become hurt when they have that connection with someone other than me. my first time, his first time, all those times that should've mattered than, should matter now, but don't..and never did. I would like to be able to say that my first thought is "their loss" but it's not. it might be the 5th or 6th, but not the first. the first is always why. maybe not knowing is better. for once maybe ignorance is the right road to take...for once.
i find myself thinking about all the times that i said "ooh i had fun" or thought i had fun..and i realize that maybe i didn't. maybe i wanted to think i had fun..becuz deep down that's all i ever wanted. i convinced myself that fun had a different meaning. fun was putting up with certain things to be with certain people that could occasionally make me laugh. but while i was laughing all i could think about was how many times they hurt me..or lied to me..or how they can hurt me again..is that fun?
i pride myself on being a bitch that i can't say i am. i worry..therefore i'm not a bitch. i worry about people who would never worry about me...people i shouldn't worry about. i hold myself responsible for the pain that others go through..i can always track their pain to my cause. i worry about liz and jackie becuz i want them to be happy and to have fun more than i care about myself..infact i put a lot of people before myself..people who shouldn't come before me. people who don't give a damn at all.
i worry about heather..i know her..i did anyway..despite everything i worry that she'll need me and she'll be afraid to come to me and that's my fault. i worry about kevin and damien..i know they're not 5..but they act like it sometimes. that night at bill's house..i blame myself. i knew something was gonna happen..and i make it my fault for letting kevin get hurt...just like the oscar thing..that was my fault too. i could've stopped both and i did. i guess what made me feel better was being there. or not being there..or whatever. i worry about AJ and matt and Joe Pye...they're boys..what more do i need to say. i dunno...my perception of them changes with the wind..it's hard to tell how any of them feel.
i guess i worry about myself. becuz i know i can never make everyone happy and so i see that as failing. once i've failed myself..where do i go from there?
like i said it doesn't make sense..and there's more...i'll finish later.
*night*
....the only time your head's above the water is when you climb all over me...
it's interesting to see how someone can suddenly mean close to nothing when the once meant almost everything. people that i once wanted to be linked with for life fail to get the time of day. whether i'm at fault or not doesn't matter. in certain cases i found myself getting closer and closer to people and not liking the person i was getting to know. on thesurface they were completely different from who they are underneath. sometimes i wish people were something that they aren't because it'd be more convienent for me. i want to make everyone what i want because at one point they were what i wanted or what i needed. i know everyone chances, i've changed a whole lot and i'd like to think it was a good chance. now i don't know if it was my change or thiers that caused the drift. i do know that i love who i am. i'm full of myself, i'm mucho fun, and i'm happy. that's what i am now and it seems like that's what they used to be. but how would i know if they were happy or not. how would i know. i'm not talking about one person in particular, i'm talking about a few of them.
on the other side there are those that i get really close to and like ten times more than i did before..and things happen and we drift. i guess i should be used to it. i get so close, so close i can feel it. i understand them for the first time in a long time and we connect and then we go a few days without seeing each other. days turn into weeks, and after a few weeks what difference does a couple months make. it makes all the difference. sometimes i feel empty without certain people or without a sense of closure.
i wonder can i truly be happy and empty at the same time?
THere are people who think about me when i don't think about them, and there are people who think about me when i never thought they did, and then there are those who think about me less than i think about them, or not at all. that's what hurts. being human. but i guess that's the balance i was looking for. maybe it's not.
i don't ever know exactly what i want, or it's what i can't get. i think about the "special links" that i should have with certain people that i don't have..and i become hurt when they have that connection with someone other than me. my first time, his first time, all those times that should've mattered than, should matter now, but don't..and never did. I would like to be able to say that my first thought is "their loss" but it's not. it might be the 5th or 6th, but not the first. the first is always why. maybe not knowing is better. for once maybe ignorance is the right road to take...for once.
i find myself thinking about all the times that i said "ooh i had fun" or thought i had fun..and i realize that maybe i didn't. maybe i wanted to think i had fun..becuz deep down that's all i ever wanted. i convinced myself that fun had a different meaning. fun was putting up with certain things to be with certain people that could occasionally make me laugh. but while i was laughing all i could think about was how many times they hurt me..or lied to me..or how they can hurt me again..is that fun?
i pride myself on being a bitch that i can't say i am. i worry..therefore i'm not a bitch. i worry about people who would never worry about me...people i shouldn't worry about. i hold myself responsible for the pain that others go through..i can always track their pain to my cause. i worry about liz and jackie becuz i want them to be happy and to have fun more than i care about myself..infact i put a lot of people before myself..people who shouldn't come before me. people who don't give a damn at all.
i worry about heather..i know her..i did anyway..despite everything i worry that she'll need me and she'll be afraid to come to me and that's my fault. i worry about kevin and damien..i know they're not 5..but they act like it sometimes. that night at bill's house..i blame myself. i knew something was gonna happen..and i make it my fault for letting kevin get hurt...just like the oscar thing..that was my fault too. i could've stopped both and i did. i guess what made me feel better was being there. or not being there..or whatever. i worry about AJ and matt and Joe Pye...they're boys..what more do i need to say. i dunno...my perception of them changes with the wind..it's hard to tell how any of them feel.
i guess i worry about myself. becuz i know i can never make everyone happy and so i see that as failing. once i've failed myself..where do i go from there?
like i said it doesn't make sense..and there's more...i'll finish later.
*night*
....the only time your head's above the water is when you climb all over me...