lost
i don't know where to start. so i'm just gonna say whatever i'm thinking, and if it doesn't make sense, oh well. i'm hurt so badly right now that i can't cry. i can't pretend any longer. and the minutes are turning into hours as i sit here contemplating the most recent events of my life. and it's killing me inside. i'm so scared right now. so scared i have that feeling you get when you think you're going to die. when it feels like the bottom of your heart fell out and your feeling goes down deep into your stomach, twisting everything together. i wish i could be free. i can't wait til i don't have to worry about anything, til i can just get up and go to the lake, and camp there for the night if i'd like. when it's a nice day, and it'll be nice for a while, just leave, go to the beach. not tell anyone so i won't be bothered. i can't wait. how can i be so irresponsible with myself? i've noticed the positions i've put myself in lately and i've done what i need to do to avoid them in the future. but how did i get here? how did it end up like this? it's the same with everyone isn't it? everyone that i think is good in my life. there's something sick and twisted behind them i know. and it hurts. because i can smell it a mile away. but unfortunately they get much closer before i realize what it is. and now you've gone into my heart. stinking the place up. now it reeks of scandal pain and fear. fear of the worst. fear of being broken. it's been mended so many times already. how do i get like this? fuck. i just want to kick something. or hit something. or scream. i want everything to go back to normal. i was doing so good for a while. and now i've fucked everything up. and so have you. and you. and you. there are so many different factors of this it's impossible to pinpoint it. ugh. i'm disgusted with myself. i just want a way out. just get me out of here.