SARAH I STILL HAVE YOUR MOMS PLATES FROM THE PENIS COOKIE MAKING PROJECT!!!
you know i found this on my desktop which i rarely go on for some reason and it occured to me i never shared it. it was a group project for school a couple quarters ago. i had to re-write the lysistrata to fit into 10 minutes and we all had to act it out and such. enjoy.
Scenes:
1: The plan, the oath. Backdrop: Acropolis. Props: Cookies, Female masks, sheets.
2: Attempt to get laid. Props: One dildo and a cheesy song.
Quick break-Girls become men
3: The reconciliation. Backdrop: A street. Props: Two dildos and a blow up doll. Two male masks.
At the end: Womyn Power logo on screen.
Scene 1 - Acropolis in the background.
Lampito: Who has summoned this gathering of us womyn?
Lysistrata: ME.
Lampito: (casually) Well, what do you want?
Kalonike: Yeah tell us your idea.
Lysistrata: Ok, but first I want to ask you a tiny question. Don’t you guys ever miss the fathers of your children when they are off at war?
Kalonike: Yes, my husband has been in Thrace for 5 months
Myrrhine: (competitively) Mine has been gone for 7 months!
Lysistrata: So you will help me then, end this war if I devise a clever scheme?
Kalonike: (excitedly) I would pawn my own dress!
Lampito: (dirty look to Kalonike) pssh, I would cut myself in half and serve myself as dinner!
Lysistrata: Alright, I will tell you then. We must give up the pleasure of the (pause) - Prick.
(the other women start to leave)
Lysistrata: Don’t go. Tell me this, will you, or WON’T you do it??
Lampito: I simply couldn’t. Let’s let the war go on.
Lysistrata: What??? What happened to cutting yourself in half?
Kalonike: (shocked) I’d rather walk through fire than give up the prick. There is nothing like it.
Lysistrata: Our sex is so lustful!! No wonder they write tragedies about us! Our lives are pure sex and intrigue. Lampito, please say you will stick with me on this.
Lampito: (indifferently) I don’t know if I can sleep without a dick, but I guess we must do it for peace.
Kalonike: Are you sure abstaining from it will bring peace? I don’t want to do something this horrible for nothing!
Lysistrata: Oh yes. If we sit at home with our faces powdered, in our see through dresses, nicely trimmed triangles, our husbands will DEFINITELY wanna bone. But we will hold back! Trust me; they will make peace in a flash.
Lampito: (knowingly) It’s true, when Menelaus caught a glimpse of Helen’s boobs, he dropped his sword.
Kalonike: OK, but what if they get rough and try to drag us upstairs?
Lysistrata: Resist. Cling to whatever you can and keep your legs tightly shut. They won’t derive any pleasure from forcing their own wives.
Kalonike: Well, I’ll go along if you all do.
Lysistrata: Someone fetch me a cookie. We need to make an oath.
Myrrhine: (fetches cookie from plate) Oh what a magnificent cookie! It’s so big, so beautiful, so tasty-looking.
Kalonike: (grabs it from Myyrhine) Could anyone fail to handle this thing with pleasure?
Lysistrata: (grabs cookie from Kalonike, holds it up, and speaks like a priest) Oh divine persuasion, accept our offering, a symbol of female friendship! Repeat after me ladies, (to the womyn and the class) “No male shall come near me with an erect penis-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “No male shall come near me with an erect penis-“
Lysistrata: “At home I’ll stay as prude as when I was a virgin-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “At home I’ll stay as prude as when I was a virgin-“
Lysistrata: “In my chiffon dress and makeup-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “In my chiffon dress and makeup-“
Lysistrata: “I’ll never lift my sexy legs or kneel in the lioness position-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “I’ll never lift my sexy legs or kneel in the lioness position.”
Lysistrata: (solemnly) Do you swear to this oath?
Lampito and Kalonike: We do.
Lysistrata: Now we eat this offering, fair share for all. (splits the penis cookie in 3 chunks and hands them out)
Scene 2: - Some stupid song is playing.
Nicole as Athenian man/husband of Lysistrata chases her (Lloyd) around the classroom trying to have sex with her (him)
Costume changes- Nicole and Alex become men
Scene 3 - Outdoors on a street.
Athenian Man: Here comes the Spartan representative now! HAHA look at his giant bulge! (Lifts skirt and touches it) Sorry… so what has brought you here?
Spartan Man: I think you know. Leave my inflamed condition alone. Besides, worry about your own! (pointing to Athenian’s penis)
Athenian: I know. We need to find Lysistrata at once.
Spartan: We need to begin negotiations. She’s the only one that can make peace. Be quick before I resort to doing a guy or something.
Athenian: No need, here she comes.
(Lysistrata enters with blow up doll, “Reconciliation”)
Lysistrata: This destruction needs to end. Make up and make peace!
Athenian: MY destruction stems from this incessant boner. (pointing down)
Lysistrata: Spartan, remember when Athens came to your defense? Is this the thanks we get?
Spartan: Oh please. (kind of ignoring her; looking at doll.) But what a magnificent ass!
Lysistrata: And you, Athenian. Remember when Spartans came with their other spears and slaughtered countless Thessalians? They were the ones that liberated Athens and made us free again.
Spartan: Jeez, I’ve never seen a more voluptuous woman.
Athenian: Nor I, I’ve never seen a finer box.
Lysistrata: (ignoring their gross comments) Why keep fighting then? It’s time to reconcile.
(Spartan and Athenian nod heads in agreement)
Lysistrata: Let’s go inside and make an oath to this. And then everyone can go home to his wife.
Athenian: Yes let’s waste no time, we should go immediately.
(change to womyn power symbol on screen)
END
Scenes:
1: The plan, the oath. Backdrop: Acropolis. Props: Cookies, Female masks, sheets.
2: Attempt to get laid. Props: One dildo and a cheesy song.
Quick break-Girls become men
3: The reconciliation. Backdrop: A street. Props: Two dildos and a blow up doll. Two male masks.
At the end: Womyn Power logo on screen.
Scene 1 - Acropolis in the background.
Lampito: Who has summoned this gathering of us womyn?
Lysistrata: ME.
Lampito: (casually) Well, what do you want?
Kalonike: Yeah tell us your idea.
Lysistrata: Ok, but first I want to ask you a tiny question. Don’t you guys ever miss the fathers of your children when they are off at war?
Kalonike: Yes, my husband has been in Thrace for 5 months
Myrrhine: (competitively) Mine has been gone for 7 months!
Lysistrata: So you will help me then, end this war if I devise a clever scheme?
Kalonike: (excitedly) I would pawn my own dress!
Lampito: (dirty look to Kalonike) pssh, I would cut myself in half and serve myself as dinner!
Lysistrata: Alright, I will tell you then. We must give up the pleasure of the (pause) - Prick.
(the other women start to leave)
Lysistrata: Don’t go. Tell me this, will you, or WON’T you do it??
Lampito: I simply couldn’t. Let’s let the war go on.
Lysistrata: What??? What happened to cutting yourself in half?
Kalonike: (shocked) I’d rather walk through fire than give up the prick. There is nothing like it.
Lysistrata: Our sex is so lustful!! No wonder they write tragedies about us! Our lives are pure sex and intrigue. Lampito, please say you will stick with me on this.
Lampito: (indifferently) I don’t know if I can sleep without a dick, but I guess we must do it for peace.
Kalonike: Are you sure abstaining from it will bring peace? I don’t want to do something this horrible for nothing!
Lysistrata: Oh yes. If we sit at home with our faces powdered, in our see through dresses, nicely trimmed triangles, our husbands will DEFINITELY wanna bone. But we will hold back! Trust me; they will make peace in a flash.
Lampito: (knowingly) It’s true, when Menelaus caught a glimpse of Helen’s boobs, he dropped his sword.
Kalonike: OK, but what if they get rough and try to drag us upstairs?
Lysistrata: Resist. Cling to whatever you can and keep your legs tightly shut. They won’t derive any pleasure from forcing their own wives.
Kalonike: Well, I’ll go along if you all do.
Lysistrata: Someone fetch me a cookie. We need to make an oath.
Myrrhine: (fetches cookie from plate) Oh what a magnificent cookie! It’s so big, so beautiful, so tasty-looking.
Kalonike: (grabs it from Myyrhine) Could anyone fail to handle this thing with pleasure?
Lysistrata: (grabs cookie from Kalonike, holds it up, and speaks like a priest) Oh divine persuasion, accept our offering, a symbol of female friendship! Repeat after me ladies, (to the womyn and the class) “No male shall come near me with an erect penis-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “No male shall come near me with an erect penis-“
Lysistrata: “At home I’ll stay as prude as when I was a virgin-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “At home I’ll stay as prude as when I was a virgin-“
Lysistrata: “In my chiffon dress and makeup-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “In my chiffon dress and makeup-“
Lysistrata: “I’ll never lift my sexy legs or kneel in the lioness position-“
Lampito and Kalonike: “I’ll never lift my sexy legs or kneel in the lioness position.”
Lysistrata: (solemnly) Do you swear to this oath?
Lampito and Kalonike: We do.
Lysistrata: Now we eat this offering, fair share for all. (splits the penis cookie in 3 chunks and hands them out)
Scene 2: - Some stupid song is playing.
Nicole as Athenian man/husband of Lysistrata chases her (Lloyd) around the classroom trying to have sex with her (him)
Costume changes- Nicole and Alex become men
Scene 3 - Outdoors on a street.
Athenian Man: Here comes the Spartan representative now! HAHA look at his giant bulge! (Lifts skirt and touches it) Sorry… so what has brought you here?
Spartan Man: I think you know. Leave my inflamed condition alone. Besides, worry about your own! (pointing to Athenian’s penis)
Athenian: I know. We need to find Lysistrata at once.
Spartan: We need to begin negotiations. She’s the only one that can make peace. Be quick before I resort to doing a guy or something.
Athenian: No need, here she comes.
(Lysistrata enters with blow up doll, “Reconciliation”)
Lysistrata: This destruction needs to end. Make up and make peace!
Athenian: MY destruction stems from this incessant boner. (pointing down)
Lysistrata: Spartan, remember when Athens came to your defense? Is this the thanks we get?
Spartan: Oh please. (kind of ignoring her; looking at doll.) But what a magnificent ass!
Lysistrata: And you, Athenian. Remember when Spartans came with their other spears and slaughtered countless Thessalians? They were the ones that liberated Athens and made us free again.
Spartan: Jeez, I’ve never seen a more voluptuous woman.
Athenian: Nor I, I’ve never seen a finer box.
Lysistrata: (ignoring their gross comments) Why keep fighting then? It’s time to reconcile.
(Spartan and Athenian nod heads in agreement)
Lysistrata: Let’s go inside and make an oath to this. And then everyone can go home to his wife.
Athenian: Yes let’s waste no time, we should go immediately.
(change to womyn power symbol on screen)
END