Visitations
I had a freaky dream yesterday. Well, it started out alright. I don't know. I was working at a zoo, taking care of baby gorillas, somewhere with warm, somewhat humid weather. But then the next thing I knew I wasn't taking care of a baby gorilla anymore, but a bird with a bloody torn wing. I was outside. And while carrying it, I approached my old car, which had been broken into, although nothing had been taken. I looked around the lot but the area seemed deserted. The sky looked dirty. Then I went into the vet's office where I worked. It was located in one wing of a huge, old and decrepit house. I took the bird to one of the doctors who tended to its wounds. Then I followed two other girls (whom I can't recall now, but I think they were classmates from junior high?) that also worked there, down a hallway. The hallway, actually the whole vet's area of the house, had this yellow cast to it, with those flickering fluorescent lights, linoleum floors, and just a rundown lab/clinic feeling (but not quite Resident Evil). I was still carrying the bird who was quiet but seemed in better spirits. They wanted to sneak around the rest of the house and see what was there. The rest of the house was usually blocked off, seeming condemned. Concerned about what we would find, I put the bird in some kind of cubbyhole or shelf where it could rest. Then we went through a dirty creaking door. The rest of the house was like many other abandoned places, with overturned chairs and rotted couches, rust-colored water damaged walls, musty, and claustrophobic feeling. Actually, it felt both too closed-in and too open at the same time. It made you feel vulnerable and unprotected. Curiously, there were only dirt floors. We hadn't gotten very far at all, just to the center of this room that led to another room on one side and another hallway on the other.
And then...I don't know what happened. Something was on top of me. The next thing I knew, I was in my bed under the covers. I was lying on my right side with my legs curled in. And something was lying across my back, as if to look over my shoulder at my face. But it couldn't see my face and I couldn't see its face because I was under the covers. I could feel when it moved or shifted its weight. It felt heavy and I couldn't move. But I guess through sheer will I woke myself up, threw off the covers, and sat up. But, of course, there was nothing there at all.
I never knew there was a word for this until recently, the past year. I guess the scientific term is 'isolated sleep paralysis'. The Japanese call it kanashibari.
I fucking hate that feeling. It's a waking state when you can't move, can't speak. Everything seems so lucid. And you feel that there is SOMETHING there. And yet you know it can't possibly be there and you must be dreaming and it's terrifying. This happens to me every so often, usually at night, but this time it was already broad daylight. I'm not always curled up under the covers either. I can't remember the last time it happened, but I do recall having been "visited" by this paralyzing weight at least once while I was in Japan. I remember having my eyes open and looking out into my dark room. But did I really have my eyes open or had I just recreated it in my mind's eye? I don't know.
It used to happen when I was a kid, too. Back then, as a Catholic school girl with religious parents, I associated "the presence" with the devil himself. One time I swore something tall was standing right next to my bed, watching, waiting. I had convinced myself that it had glowing red eyes. But I was hiding under the covers, even though it was so hot under there. But he'd take me if I dared look. And then I'd feel things crawling across the covers that were my only protection. The funny thing is, I felt oddly sympathetic towards him. I suppose I imagined him as being an ostracized and lonely figure, or something akin to Jareth in Labyrinth. "Aww, he just needs love." Stupid, weirdo kid. >.>
Anyway, I don't know what the dream means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything.
And then...I don't know what happened. Something was on top of me. The next thing I knew, I was in my bed under the covers. I was lying on my right side with my legs curled in. And something was lying across my back, as if to look over my shoulder at my face. But it couldn't see my face and I couldn't see its face because I was under the covers. I could feel when it moved or shifted its weight. It felt heavy and I couldn't move. But I guess through sheer will I woke myself up, threw off the covers, and sat up. But, of course, there was nothing there at all.
I never knew there was a word for this until recently, the past year. I guess the scientific term is 'isolated sleep paralysis'. The Japanese call it kanashibari.
I fucking hate that feeling. It's a waking state when you can't move, can't speak. Everything seems so lucid. And you feel that there is SOMETHING there. And yet you know it can't possibly be there and you must be dreaming and it's terrifying. This happens to me every so often, usually at night, but this time it was already broad daylight. I'm not always curled up under the covers either. I can't remember the last time it happened, but I do recall having been "visited" by this paralyzing weight at least once while I was in Japan. I remember having my eyes open and looking out into my dark room. But did I really have my eyes open or had I just recreated it in my mind's eye? I don't know.
It used to happen when I was a kid, too. Back then, as a Catholic school girl with religious parents, I associated "the presence" with the devil himself. One time I swore something tall was standing right next to my bed, watching, waiting. I had convinced myself that it had glowing red eyes. But I was hiding under the covers, even though it was so hot under there. But he'd take me if I dared look. And then I'd feel things crawling across the covers that were my only protection. The funny thing is, I felt oddly sympathetic towards him. I suppose I imagined him as being an ostracized and lonely figure, or something akin to Jareth in Labyrinth. "Aww, he just needs love." Stupid, weirdo kid. >.>
Anyway, I don't know what the dream means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything.