(no subject)
I am really really confused. she's back. and as much as I would love to deny it, I cant resist her. I felt as though I was over it, and I never had intentions of crossing her path again. not because she wouldnt allow me to, because I lost interest, faith, hope, trust in her. my life was okay. she just randomly pops back in, confesses her mistakes. ones that I had suspected all along. as angry as I was.. as hurt as I was to finally have my worst nightmares become a reality... her honesty was admirable. it did not, however, excuse her behavior in any way..she still owes me proof that she has changed. that she's devout, that she respects, and appreciates me...she still has a lot of work to do on herself. I will not sacrafice my lifestyle for her again...I am however taking another major risk by allowing her back into my life. but I do have one life. she is human, she made a mistake, and a monsterous one at that. but despite the fact that I thought I was O.K. there was always a huge void.. there were still outstanding memories that would strike nerves. my favorite movies, music were banished from my life as I made every attempt to erase the memories to elimiate as much pain as possible from my then miserable life. I still havent let them all back in, as Im doing what I can to keep my guard up to prevent anymore heartbreak. I don't think Im doing a very good job. she's reeling me back in as she did initially. she really may be genuine.. but I absolutely can not let her destroy me again. the instant that she repeats her mistakes, we're done forever. she's sweet..I eat it up...melt. all over again. april 13th 2003 all over again. except before I wasnt sure if she would ever come to visit so I made the move...this time she claims that she is coming to visit and will eventually move and I find it incredibly hard to believe, as she lied to me before, just to get me away. because she was selfish. because it was easier on her. she "loved" me...but she hurt me because she was too big of a coward to be honest...to this day she still admits she's afraid to be alone. that she's afraid to break up. in the event that things start going downhill, what will keep me from thinking that she is only sticking around until she gains the courage to break up with me? she claims that there are millions of people she could be with, but she wants me. what happens when she exposes herself to a larger gay scene?... to a larger city? more people? more women? what will I mean to her then? maybe I will cope with the pain this time around a little easier..because Im expecting it. maybe I shouldnt be that way.. but I don't feel that at this point, I'm so out of line.. I think that I am sane to feel this way... at least until she proves to me that she is sincere by sacraficing something to be with me.. by proving to me that she's changed. by working to gain my trust again. she says it will be different this time. maybe it will. I have changed. I know that much.. the things that have changed in me were things that she despised..and I've done it completely subconciously.. I would have had no reason to change to lure her back into my life.. I never expected her to be around again.. nor did I ever want her to be around again.
She's a sly one she is...and maybe she's not intending to be.. she could be sincere. but I am very skeptical of her promises. I've been down that road. and she never followed through. I am very skeptical that she has changed at all, as she proves to me more and more daily that she's stuck in her ways. she's just as sneaky...just as two faced..just as selfish...she still lives with her girlfriend. and all she does is talk shit. when I confront her about her habitual tendancies, she claims that her situation with kat is in no way comparable to ours. "I never felt the same way about kat as I did you" well great. you hurt me much more than you will ever hurt kat, but I supposedly meant more to you? I guesssss Ill believe that one. she is still really selfish.. i know this because she contacted me again to get the burden of her mistake off her chest...but then threw it onto me? heh and while she's still with someone and living with them.. that is obviously not going to be completely accepted by me because how can I believe she's honest, and genuine with what she's saying to me when she goes home to her every night... because I kind of trust her.. why? am I brainwashed all over again? why am I confused.. why do I have so many contradicting thoughts. because all of these serious concerns are forgotten when I hear her voice. I feel weak. I get butterflies. I feel excited. as I said before...april 13th all over again.. there's so much that need's to be said, but I get like 10 minutes before she goes right back inside with the girl.. right now all she is saying though is words.. everything right now.. just words.. actions speak much much louder. she says that she wants to be here. that she wants to come visit. i hope that she will save money. she buys weed compulsively.. if it's for her. fine.. if it's for her girlfriend that doesnt contribute to anything..at all. then there is no reason to believe that she wants to be around me.. as she's playing now...she's actually making money off of the shit she buys. maybe that will get her here faster. I have a ticket for florida that is just stagnant. she does not deserve for me to go out of my way to visit. what will i do? go to her apartment with her new girlfriend? she needs to prove that shes serious about this. she needs to make the moves. I did once upon a time. and I got shit on. I wont let it happen again. she calls a lot.. that's a sign.. but then I call her back just as much. I probabaly shouldnt do that..she needs to make the moves. I have no resistance. am I weak? I cant stand being confused. it's too hard. thoughts are racing through my head right now and colliding and putting my brain in a coma. maybe it's better that way..
lets play a game.. count the # of "maybe"'s and rate katie's hesitence and fear levels.
please don't hurt me again. all is full of love.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
She's a sly one she is...and maybe she's not intending to be.. she could be sincere. but I am very skeptical of her promises. I've been down that road. and she never followed through. I am very skeptical that she has changed at all, as she proves to me more and more daily that she's stuck in her ways. she's just as sneaky...just as two faced..just as selfish...she still lives with her girlfriend. and all she does is talk shit. when I confront her about her habitual tendancies, she claims that her situation with kat is in no way comparable to ours. "I never felt the same way about kat as I did you" well great. you hurt me much more than you will ever hurt kat, but I supposedly meant more to you? I guesssss Ill believe that one. she is still really selfish.. i know this because she contacted me again to get the burden of her mistake off her chest...but then threw it onto me? heh and while she's still with someone and living with them.. that is obviously not going to be completely accepted by me because how can I believe she's honest, and genuine with what she's saying to me when she goes home to her every night... because I kind of trust her.. why? am I brainwashed all over again? why am I confused.. why do I have so many contradicting thoughts. because all of these serious concerns are forgotten when I hear her voice. I feel weak. I get butterflies. I feel excited. as I said before...april 13th all over again.. there's so much that need's to be said, but I get like 10 minutes before she goes right back inside with the girl.. right now all she is saying though is words.. everything right now.. just words.. actions speak much much louder. she says that she wants to be here. that she wants to come visit. i hope that she will save money. she buys weed compulsively.. if it's for her. fine.. if it's for her girlfriend that doesnt contribute to anything..at all. then there is no reason to believe that she wants to be around me.. as she's playing now...she's actually making money off of the shit she buys. maybe that will get her here faster. I have a ticket for florida that is just stagnant. she does not deserve for me to go out of my way to visit. what will i do? go to her apartment with her new girlfriend? she needs to prove that shes serious about this. she needs to make the moves. I did once upon a time. and I got shit on. I wont let it happen again. she calls a lot.. that's a sign.. but then I call her back just as much. I probabaly shouldnt do that..she needs to make the moves. I have no resistance. am I weak? I cant stand being confused. it's too hard. thoughts are racing through my head right now and colliding and putting my brain in a coma. maybe it's better that way..
lets play a game.. count the # of "maybe"'s and rate katie's hesitence and fear levels.
please don't hurt me again. all is full of love.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me