The human cost
I've always known about the alcohol and the drugs. They're common and most--at least the teens and young adults--see them as normal. I've always known...but I never let myself understand.
When Del died, everyone rationalized it. Even her mother said that maybe she deserved what happened. When the gang members die, it doesn't hurt so bad. It doesn't hurt because you know it'll happen. It's damn near expected, and most of the time it barely even registers. When Co died midway through junior year, we knew that drugs featured prominently in his death. Everyone knew...and they went out and partied that next weekend.
R's a part of me, a part that maybe I'll always love, and maybe I won't. But for now, she's one of two people I love. It's not a mature love, but it isn't totally lust. I won't act on it again...just like I wouldn't dream of dating N again. Besides, R has been dating the same girl for over a year; N is casually dating my best friend/sister.
I knew R was drinking. She holds her alcohol well; it didn't bug me as much as it should have. Toward the beginning of summer, I knew she started doing pot. Recreational dabbling, overseen by her big "sister". It isn't the first time someone I know has smoked, so...
She broke up with her girlfriend last night. She's using regularly and drinking just as often. And I feel like it's my fault. I'm gone for the summer...and everyone knows I want to be gone permanently. I've never concealed that want. And she wants out too. Wants out of a relationship where she's raising a kid who isn't hers. Wants out of a family that's never treated her like they cared. Wants out of Alaska and dead-end jobs. But no one's ever said that there's a good way to get out. No one's ever proposed a good solution. But they did that for me. They fostered my education; no one did that for her.
And I feel like I'm partially to blame, even though I know I'm not.
And I fear that she's going to end up like so many others, dropping out of school to support a habit.
And I don't want that to happen to a girl who's sharper than a tack. She could have grades that top mine if she tried, but no one ever encouraged it.
And I'm not certain who I hate for that.
I'm not certain who I'm more pissed at.
I'm praying that's not my future.
When Del died, everyone rationalized it. Even her mother said that maybe she deserved what happened. When the gang members die, it doesn't hurt so bad. It doesn't hurt because you know it'll happen. It's damn near expected, and most of the time it barely even registers. When Co died midway through junior year, we knew that drugs featured prominently in his death. Everyone knew...and they went out and partied that next weekend.
R's a part of me, a part that maybe I'll always love, and maybe I won't. But for now, she's one of two people I love. It's not a mature love, but it isn't totally lust. I won't act on it again...just like I wouldn't dream of dating N again. Besides, R has been dating the same girl for over a year; N is casually dating my best friend/sister.
I knew R was drinking. She holds her alcohol well; it didn't bug me as much as it should have. Toward the beginning of summer, I knew she started doing pot. Recreational dabbling, overseen by her big "sister". It isn't the first time someone I know has smoked, so...
She broke up with her girlfriend last night. She's using regularly and drinking just as often. And I feel like it's my fault. I'm gone for the summer...and everyone knows I want to be gone permanently. I've never concealed that want. And she wants out too. Wants out of a relationship where she's raising a kid who isn't hers. Wants out of a family that's never treated her like they cared. Wants out of Alaska and dead-end jobs. But no one's ever said that there's a good way to get out. No one's ever proposed a good solution. But they did that for me. They fostered my education; no one did that for her.
And I feel like I'm partially to blame, even though I know I'm not.
And I fear that she's going to end up like so many others, dropping out of school to support a habit.
And I don't want that to happen to a girl who's sharper than a tack. She could have grades that top mine if she tried, but no one ever encouraged it.
And I'm not certain who I hate for that.
I'm not certain who I'm more pissed at.
I'm praying that's not my future.