"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

[killianorlight]

I bought Moulin Rouge! today. In retrospect it probably wasn't the best idea to buy considering I am a music driven emotional hopeless romantic, and it is a music driven emotional romance. But I still love the movie But at the end I found myself in tears because I have felt that pain, the pain of love then loss. Unfortunately the love I lost will not be with me forever because she didn't die she was just a cold hearted puppet master of a bitch. An actress like Satine, I was made to believe that she loved me only to have her throw it in my face and trust me that stings worse than a pot of coffee in your lap. Its funny my sadness turns to anger as I type, a smoldering anger that will most likely have me smoking once I'm done ranting. But this movie moves me in the way that only music can. Emotions like roller coasters just without the ability to get off at the end. It is my Satines fault for why I cant lie in a relationship about my feelings and I thank her for it. As I have always believed, love is a sacrosanct thing to me and Puppetry and Acting have no place in it. I loved you, my Satine, but I think I may finally be able to cut the strings on my heart. What is left of it anyways, my heart more a shell than organ, but it still beats and it still sings when I see a person that catches my eye. And I thank whatever higher power for its ability to survive you TWICE and still keep on beating. I will keep searching for my real Satine, the woman or man that I will spend my days with, and my heart will be the judge. As for you Devil, I hope your heart lies to you and you suffer, like I did for you. I spent close to a year now unable to figure out what I did wrong, when I did nothing wrong, not to you, but for you I neglected friends and family to try and keep you, only to get tossed aside like a piece of refuse matter. Yes I know this entire rant makes me Vindictive, even Mean, but dammit sometimes a nice guy will break, and Hell will await the person who made them do so. I am not a nice guy, not anymore, there is no reason for me to be so. All nicety's have gotten me is heartbreak, betrayal, and loss. I will continue to be myself, as I have always been, but I am no longer masked, and I reject any use of the "Friends Only" stamp that always seems to get plastered on my forehead. I could become a recluse, a hermit, a loner...or whatever derivative thereof. But that would mean my Devil has won, and that is not a choice, I will be strong, my life will be alright, and by all that may be deemed holy I hope to god hers goes to shit. Because she is the worst kind, and she deserves none of the good life has to offer.

I have learned to just love and be loved in return, but what happens when your love is returned with the stamp "Return to Sender".

We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.

Thank you Incubus...hopefully someone has a shovel big enough, because I am Jaded in the very worst way.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease.