I can see the future.
A thousand fucking times I repeat my life... im still with the "i try" girlfriend... nothing got better... ... i lowered my standards .... greatly. ... i feel kind of superficial. ... unhappy. ... alittle depressed. i really wish i hadn't been so disappointed all throughout my life... i expected so much more from everyone around me... i've wasted my time... i continue to waste my time. but how the hell am i supposed to get away from the cycle? i really don't think i was ever meant to be happy... i knew what i wanted.... ... i knew what would have made it all better... ... but its gone now. ... i waited much too long. ... as if i could have gotten it anyway. ... it belongs to a person that is... apparently better than I? *sigh*... i feel like i'm cursed. to obsess... to always think about and want what i can never have...
i wish i had more happy, life-bestowing journals for you. but i don't. when i'm here, i'm completely honest with myself. with you. and honestly... i hate you. i hate me. i hate everything about everyone because they could have been better.
and to think... it could have all been different. if i were born... better. ... if i hadn't been held back in kindergarten. shit, i wouldn't have felt like i was the most mature person in the room if i was dealing with that shit with people my age! that one year definitely would have made a difference, too. i look at the grade above me and i wish... i wish i could have been a part of them. so thanks, mom... thanks for that. thanks for lowering my expectations of life before i was old enough to really have any. thanks for birthing this obsessive imperfect bastard child. ...
i wish i had more happy, life-bestowing journals for you. but i don't. when i'm here, i'm completely honest with myself. with you. and honestly... i hate you. i hate me. i hate everything about everyone because they could have been better.
and to think... it could have all been different. if i were born... better. ... if i hadn't been held back in kindergarten. shit, i wouldn't have felt like i was the most mature person in the room if i was dealing with that shit with people my age! that one year definitely would have made a difference, too. i look at the grade above me and i wish... i wish i could have been a part of them. so thanks, mom... thanks for that. thanks for lowering my expectations of life before i was old enough to really have any. thanks for birthing this obsessive imperfect bastard child. ...