(no subject)
hello cruel world.
in august i did up that boy scout camp i've gone too since 2000. mark and i got super close, like we do every year. on august 19th we started dating. and it was good at first. really good. and then i started to get nervous more and more. anxious, even. i started to shut down and shut him out. i didn't want to get attached because i still really want to do the peace corps. the peace corps was/is a huge source of tension with us. then i didn't want to get attached because mark is a good man and he deserves much better than what i can give right now. another point of tension was mark's schedule. it couldn't really be helped; he works full-time + overtime (all third shiftish), goes to school full-time, and somehow had to make time to eat, sleep, do homework, see me, and see his friends. towards the end of october i started getting really agitated with how he'd just up and leave to go play poker or do whatever when i thought i was going to get to spend the entire day or night with him. i asked for some time to think, and i got it for the most part. there were days where he or one of our friends would kind of get on my ass about making a decision. then all of a sudden i started working more and working in the early morning, none the less. basically it became a cycle of: mark goes to school at noon, mark goes to work at 5, mark comes home from work around 4am, mark relaxes until 530/6am, mark goes to bed while i wake up and get ready for work, i go to work at 7 or 8am, i leave work between noon and 4pm. there just wasn't any time to see each other and that really got to me. and it was weird to be sleeping in his bed without him. i had/still have my own drawer for clothes at his house, my side of the bed has my crap on a little table, i have a blanket on the bed, i have stuff in the shower, i have food in his kitchen. i basically lived there half the time. but it just was not working for me. it wasn't the right time.
on tuesday i went to see yonder mountain string band alone. while i was there, i saw erin from b&bw-oshkosh. i started to think about what i was going to do. yonder was basically the first time i had gone out somewhere crowded without mark. and i did it without much anxiety. i basically came to the conclusion that we had to break up. so on thursday we talked, sorta, and broke up.
and ever since then i can't help but think that i made the wrong decision.
in august i did up that boy scout camp i've gone too since 2000. mark and i got super close, like we do every year. on august 19th we started dating. and it was good at first. really good. and then i started to get nervous more and more. anxious, even. i started to shut down and shut him out. i didn't want to get attached because i still really want to do the peace corps. the peace corps was/is a huge source of tension with us. then i didn't want to get attached because mark is a good man and he deserves much better than what i can give right now. another point of tension was mark's schedule. it couldn't really be helped; he works full-time + overtime (all third shiftish), goes to school full-time, and somehow had to make time to eat, sleep, do homework, see me, and see his friends. towards the end of october i started getting really agitated with how he'd just up and leave to go play poker or do whatever when i thought i was going to get to spend the entire day or night with him. i asked for some time to think, and i got it for the most part. there were days where he or one of our friends would kind of get on my ass about making a decision. then all of a sudden i started working more and working in the early morning, none the less. basically it became a cycle of: mark goes to school at noon, mark goes to work at 5, mark comes home from work around 4am, mark relaxes until 530/6am, mark goes to bed while i wake up and get ready for work, i go to work at 7 or 8am, i leave work between noon and 4pm. there just wasn't any time to see each other and that really got to me. and it was weird to be sleeping in his bed without him. i had/still have my own drawer for clothes at his house, my side of the bed has my crap on a little table, i have a blanket on the bed, i have stuff in the shower, i have food in his kitchen. i basically lived there half the time. but it just was not working for me. it wasn't the right time.
on tuesday i went to see yonder mountain string band alone. while i was there, i saw erin from b&bw-oshkosh. i started to think about what i was going to do. yonder was basically the first time i had gone out somewhere crowded without mark. and i did it without much anxiety. i basically came to the conclusion that we had to break up. so on thursday we talked, sorta, and broke up.
and ever since then i can't help but think that i made the wrong decision.