(no subject)
I've been staring at this blank text field for far too long.
I'm not sure what I want to say. It always seems so much easier to write when I've been doing it at least semi-regularly. Maybe because I've gotten into the habit of it, or maybe because I feel no need to say anything particularly introspective or profound.
I feel like I haven't been thoughtful enough lately. That I used to think more about life and meaning and examine things more closely, but that lately I've just kind of been skimming along the surface.
The trouble is, though, that I'm happy, so I really don't feel like fucking things up by looking at them too close. This happiness is a little unsettling, actually. I'm not used to it. My life has been so much highs and lows, emotionally, that having some stability, and remaining on the positive side of the mood spectrum is a very strange place to be.
The oddest part, though, is that I haven't taken my medication in a few months. Yes, this is the same self-destructive pattern that I've fallen into countless times in the past. I forgot to take my pill for a day, then two days, then a week... but this time, I realized what I was doing, mostly, and promised myself I would start up again as soon as I started feeling like shit. I haven't, really. Nothing I couldn't deal with, nothing that I thought could be improved by medication. And... I'm fine.
It's a bit scary, really, but kind of exhilarating. Like walking a tightrope with no safety net. I'm scared for the fall, because I know it will come eventually. And at that point, I'm going to feel like utter shit. But until then, what can I do? I could start up again, and deal with side-effects and life in a light haze and have a slightly duller pain when the time comes, or I could continue living and deal with the problem when the problem comes.
I haven't told anyone I'm not taking the meds. That probably doesn't say anything good about my confidence in myself and my decision. It's always been such a touchy issue for me. I'm never really sure if what I'm doing is right. But... here we go: I'm not taking them and I feel fine.
I'm not sure what I want to say. It always seems so much easier to write when I've been doing it at least semi-regularly. Maybe because I've gotten into the habit of it, or maybe because I feel no need to say anything particularly introspective or profound.
I feel like I haven't been thoughtful enough lately. That I used to think more about life and meaning and examine things more closely, but that lately I've just kind of been skimming along the surface.
The trouble is, though, that I'm happy, so I really don't feel like fucking things up by looking at them too close. This happiness is a little unsettling, actually. I'm not used to it. My life has been so much highs and lows, emotionally, that having some stability, and remaining on the positive side of the mood spectrum is a very strange place to be.
The oddest part, though, is that I haven't taken my medication in a few months. Yes, this is the same self-destructive pattern that I've fallen into countless times in the past. I forgot to take my pill for a day, then two days, then a week... but this time, I realized what I was doing, mostly, and promised myself I would start up again as soon as I started feeling like shit. I haven't, really. Nothing I couldn't deal with, nothing that I thought could be improved by medication. And... I'm fine.
It's a bit scary, really, but kind of exhilarating. Like walking a tightrope with no safety net. I'm scared for the fall, because I know it will come eventually. And at that point, I'm going to feel like utter shit. But until then, what can I do? I could start up again, and deal with side-effects and life in a light haze and have a slightly duller pain when the time comes, or I could continue living and deal with the problem when the problem comes.
I haven't told anyone I'm not taking the meds. That probably doesn't say anything good about my confidence in myself and my decision. It's always been such a touchy issue for me. I'm never really sure if what I'm doing is right. But... here we go: I'm not taking them and I feel fine.