Poker Face
P-p-p-poker face, P-p-poker face...
P-p-p-poker face, P-p-poker face...
When everything surrounding you is out of hand. You stay strong and pretend it's just one of those bad days. When everyday you see life slowly drifting away, you try to put your fears aside and brace a brave face.
You succumb into denial--assuring yourself that this will all pass by.
"It's just a phase..."
But then there's that something inside you, unable to deny the fact that whatever you're facing is dead serious.
It's a matter of life and death.
You try to ignore it, much as you can.
But come at night, or when you're alone, people around you have no idea you're slowly dying inside.
Unable to accept the fact that your dad is ill. Weak. Talking about death and his will.
Random thoughts storm your head...
-How if he goes away, he'll never be able to see your future child, much less, send you off to your future wedding.
-How he'll never be able to see my brothers' graduate high school and college and succeed in life.
-How he'll never be able to retire in the Philippines...and enjoy the good life.
BUT NEVER HOW LIFE WILL BE WITHOUT HIM.
I mean sure, he's been in and out of your life in your 20 years because of his job. Nevertheless, whenever he comes home from abroad--from all over the world, he would stay a substantial amount of time with all of you before he climbs onboard another ship.
If he is onboard, he never misses a week without a phone call to you.
It's just something you can never ever picture...
And it is something you can never ever prepare yourself of, no matter how much you put on a brave poker face.
A dad is something you always see as "strong". Dads, if not all, in most cases are the "haligi ng tahanan" the "backbone of the family".
And when you see your dad weak, having a hard time walking, it just seems unreal--kind of like a bad tormenting and gruesome nightmare you just want to wake up out of, but can't.
..........................
I'm wearing my poker face right now.
Trying to cope with this day by day.
Alone with me and my family.
............................
[if you must know, I lock myself in one of the office washroom cubicles and secretly cry my heart out, before heading out to work on my desk again...]
P-p-p-poker face, P-p-poker face...
When everything surrounding you is out of hand. You stay strong and pretend it's just one of those bad days. When everyday you see life slowly drifting away, you try to put your fears aside and brace a brave face.
You succumb into denial--assuring yourself that this will all pass by.
"It's just a phase..."
But then there's that something inside you, unable to deny the fact that whatever you're facing is dead serious.
It's a matter of life and death.
You try to ignore it, much as you can.
But come at night, or when you're alone, people around you have no idea you're slowly dying inside.
Unable to accept the fact that your dad is ill. Weak. Talking about death and his will.
Random thoughts storm your head...
-How if he goes away, he'll never be able to see your future child, much less, send you off to your future wedding.
-How he'll never be able to see my brothers' graduate high school and college and succeed in life.
-How he'll never be able to retire in the Philippines...and enjoy the good life.
BUT NEVER HOW LIFE WILL BE WITHOUT HIM.
I mean sure, he's been in and out of your life in your 20 years because of his job. Nevertheless, whenever he comes home from abroad--from all over the world, he would stay a substantial amount of time with all of you before he climbs onboard another ship.
If he is onboard, he never misses a week without a phone call to you.
It's just something you can never ever picture...
And it is something you can never ever prepare yourself of, no matter how much you put on a brave poker face.
A dad is something you always see as "strong". Dads, if not all, in most cases are the "haligi ng tahanan" the "backbone of the family".
And when you see your dad weak, having a hard time walking, it just seems unreal--kind of like a bad tormenting and gruesome nightmare you just want to wake up out of, but can't.
..........................
I'm wearing my poker face right now.
Trying to cope with this day by day.
Alone with me and my family.
............................
[if you must know, I lock myself in one of the office washroom cubicles and secretly cry my heart out, before heading out to work on my desk again...]