I need some help
Two things:
1) Coping with the imminent death of a loved one. We found out today that my grandpa's treatments aren't working anymore and they are transferring him to hospice care. Among other things, I wanted him to meet my kid(s). I wanted him to see his oldest grandchild succeed in life and I feel like I've failed him. I've had a grandparent pass away before, but I didn't feel this grief when we knew she was dying, or after.
2) Inexplicable wibbley feelings. ['Wibble' is the opposite of 'frubble' which is another word for compersion.] Ryan has started seeing our friend Elaan. Elaan is really cool. She comes to the Boulder Poly meetup every week and she's on the founding board of the Boulder chapter of the Center for Sex Positive Culture with me. It's not like she's monogamous or new to poly. She has a serious partner (she hates the term 'primary') and she, he, and his other partner just moved in together. I've been feeling anxious (and sometimes being over-emotional about it) when Ryan goes on dates with her. One time, it was because he made plans with her and didn't inform me of them for a few days after making them. Other times, I haven't had an explicable reason.
My theories include that 1) perhaps I've become too attached to him (something he's expressed worry about because he's had a few obsessive girlfriends in the past); 2) there's some sort of love language conflict going on: I need more verbal reassurance from him to feel secure and he's an introvert who is economical with his words; 3) I was traumatized by his relationship with Ali (and her behavior during and after) and, even though Elaan is very different from Ali (in fact, she also dated Nicholas and also believes Ali to be crazy), I'm having trouble trusting that something bad won't happen again; 4) I have old hurts from past relationships and people "going mono" on me; 5) we're not having as much sex as I'd like already, so it bothers me when he goes out with and fucks her; 6) I'm worried about losing him, about him falling for someone and forgetting about me, wanting to spend more time with someone else, or her falling for him because he's so wonderful and wanting more and more of his time, him deciding that she's better than me, etc.; 7) I have an inferiority complex and assume that he'll fall for her and choose her over me because she's cooler than I am; 8) he's spending 3-4 days down in the Springs every week helping his parents out to earn his keep, so I feel like I'm not getting enough time with him without him going on dates with other people (even though we live together and spend A LOT of time together. It's all ridiculous.
I've talked to Ryan about it. We've had long, emotional conversations. He gets upset when I'm upset because he's very empathic, so it can be hard to figure anything out. Also, he has less experience with this than I do, and he's one of those lucky bastards who doesn't have jealousy/envy/wibbley issues. He says that he would never forget about me or drop me for someone else, that if he found someone he cares about as much as me, he would split his time evenly between us, that I'm the most significant relationship he's ever had and that he loves me and wants to never hurt me. I believe him. Intellectually, I know these feelings are stupid. So, what do I do with them?
Oh, also, Elaan and I had a conversation about this on Friday. She's having similar issues with her boyfriend dating someone new. It's really great that we can talk about it, and it helps a little. But I think I need more help. I was really upset on Wednesday about their date (and because I inadvertently cockblocked myself the night before when trying to tell him that biting is not just "a kiss, but better" but is more like foreplay for me...long story), and then, on my way home from girls' night that night, the feelings seemed to evaporate and I was fine again. However, when he brought up having a date with her this week, I felt a twinge of them again.
1) Coping with the imminent death of a loved one. We found out today that my grandpa's treatments aren't working anymore and they are transferring him to hospice care. Among other things, I wanted him to meet my kid(s). I wanted him to see his oldest grandchild succeed in life and I feel like I've failed him. I've had a grandparent pass away before, but I didn't feel this grief when we knew she was dying, or after.
2) Inexplicable wibbley feelings. ['Wibble' is the opposite of 'frubble' which is another word for compersion.] Ryan has started seeing our friend Elaan. Elaan is really cool. She comes to the Boulder Poly meetup every week and she's on the founding board of the Boulder chapter of the Center for Sex Positive Culture with me. It's not like she's monogamous or new to poly. She has a serious partner (she hates the term 'primary') and she, he, and his other partner just moved in together. I've been feeling anxious (and sometimes being over-emotional about it) when Ryan goes on dates with her. One time, it was because he made plans with her and didn't inform me of them for a few days after making them. Other times, I haven't had an explicable reason.
My theories include that 1) perhaps I've become too attached to him (something he's expressed worry about because he's had a few obsessive girlfriends in the past); 2) there's some sort of love language conflict going on: I need more verbal reassurance from him to feel secure and he's an introvert who is economical with his words; 3) I was traumatized by his relationship with Ali (and her behavior during and after) and, even though Elaan is very different from Ali (in fact, she also dated Nicholas and also believes Ali to be crazy), I'm having trouble trusting that something bad won't happen again; 4) I have old hurts from past relationships and people "going mono" on me; 5) we're not having as much sex as I'd like already, so it bothers me when he goes out with and fucks her; 6) I'm worried about losing him, about him falling for someone and forgetting about me, wanting to spend more time with someone else, or her falling for him because he's so wonderful and wanting more and more of his time, him deciding that she's better than me, etc.; 7) I have an inferiority complex and assume that he'll fall for her and choose her over me because she's cooler than I am; 8) he's spending 3-4 days down in the Springs every week helping his parents out to earn his keep, so I feel like I'm not getting enough time with him without him going on dates with other people (even though we live together and spend A LOT of time together. It's all ridiculous.
I've talked to Ryan about it. We've had long, emotional conversations. He gets upset when I'm upset because he's very empathic, so it can be hard to figure anything out. Also, he has less experience with this than I do, and he's one of those lucky bastards who doesn't have jealousy/envy/wibbley issues. He says that he would never forget about me or drop me for someone else, that if he found someone he cares about as much as me, he would split his time evenly between us, that I'm the most significant relationship he's ever had and that he loves me and wants to never hurt me. I believe him. Intellectually, I know these feelings are stupid. So, what do I do with them?
Oh, also, Elaan and I had a conversation about this on Friday. She's having similar issues with her boyfriend dating someone new. It's really great that we can talk about it, and it helps a little. But I think I need more help. I was really upset on Wednesday about their date (and because I inadvertently cockblocked myself the night before when trying to tell him that biting is not just "a kiss, but better" but is more like foreplay for me...long story), and then, on my way home from girls' night that night, the feelings seemed to evaporate and I was fine again. However, when he brought up having a date with her this week, I felt a twinge of them again.