Exit strategy with minimal exits
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the devil. Keep that in mind. Buy the ticket...take the ride."
--Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
I had thought my passive disregard for everything around me and embracement of chaos would be my salvation. Now all I find is that they are my undoing. Order is apparently what I was meant to do but it just wears me down so much. The people I've surrounded myself with have become counteractive to my attainment of peace. Peace I haven't been able to find since birth. I had thought I found it but it was taken away from me by my own action. Action driven my misleading possibilities. At the time I called it Plan A. I had several backup possibilities...less of them plans but possibilities I might have to deal with...like preemptive acceptance. Plan B was the only other real plan and it most obviously should have been Plan A. I was disillusioned...I had thought I had found the exit where I could let it all go and not have to care anymore. I probably already had it with the path I was on. Winters always fuck me over...I can't remember where one hasn't.
Fear, frustration, anxiety, hatred, even depression...but no aggression or action on these feelings. I've learned too well to ignore these feelings to keep them from destroying everything...too much Zen practice to suppress while in school. Few know just how deep these run. Not even my parents seem to understand...in fact, they were the largest factor in my early attempts at suppression. I realize now I've gone too far...suppressed to an unhealthy level. I remember the last time I had almost completely lost control. I was on my way to drafting from chemistry, two weeks from the end of my junior year in high school. I had earlier contemplated suicide because doors were constantly shut for help. While in the halls, I thought about these shut doors and turned my attention outward. I felt angry and wanted to pick a fight with any human being I could find (and there were many in the halls) because there was just so much I wanted to let go from too much bottling. It took my last ounce of control to realize there was a door left and used it to go see my guidance counselor. What I found was far from what I wanted or even needed and this pissed me off greatly but I had regained control by then and continued bottling.
I almost always considered myself stupid. The standardized test scores meant nothing to me...no...they mocked me. The obvious ability to succeed academically only made things worse. It only helped me realized just how much I couldn't ever get it together. I think back on my beginning of my life (my extreme memory also mocks me) and realize I had sadistic thoughts. I wonder if now they've grown into a more complex system that I'm not even aware of anymore. I think to a more recent part of my life when I attained a drunken state of megalomania. I knew there was next to nothing I could handle at that moment. I could practically hear "The Imperial March" from Star Wars as if it was really there. I was ready for anything...ever ability I had (physically and mentally) was at my disposal and there was much. I guess there was too much because it quickly and horribly crashed. I may have thought of blood (which can induce a panic attack under the correct circumstances) or maybe I hadn't the ability to handle the nicotine in my system at the time because I just started smoking. Maybe at the root I didn't want this power and subconsciously forced the crash. I damn near fainted (or may just as well have) on the floor in public eye...much to my embarrassment. I remember checking my watch prior to this (it was 11:57pm if I remember correctly) trying to regain control...barely able to stand with my blood pressure dropping and my body temperature rising while my vision faded and the high pitched ringing in my ears increased. Surprisingly, I had very little fear of this situation because I had become used to it from prior blood panic attacks and knew there was nothing physically wrong with me...at least nothing permanent that couldn't be fixed with the passing of the attack. I think a part of me died that day (either that or enlightened depending on my randomizing perspective of things) because I think that's when the "data streams" started.
Lately I've been studying the 8-Circuit Model of Consciousness and where I've been within it. It would appear I have a problem with circuit one (the very base) because the constant level of exercise I was previously getting was likely releasing endorphins to stabilize me. I think that's what may have allowed me to attain some social skills and inner peace and how much better my personality was. I can only hope to attain it once again. I also like to study my astrological sign Scorpio because it seems I scratched the surface of the things that would seem nice to embrace.
--Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
I had thought my passive disregard for everything around me and embracement of chaos would be my salvation. Now all I find is that they are my undoing. Order is apparently what I was meant to do but it just wears me down so much. The people I've surrounded myself with have become counteractive to my attainment of peace. Peace I haven't been able to find since birth. I had thought I found it but it was taken away from me by my own action. Action driven my misleading possibilities. At the time I called it Plan A. I had several backup possibilities...less of them plans but possibilities I might have to deal with...like preemptive acceptance. Plan B was the only other real plan and it most obviously should have been Plan A. I was disillusioned...I had thought I had found the exit where I could let it all go and not have to care anymore. I probably already had it with the path I was on. Winters always fuck me over...I can't remember where one hasn't.
Fear, frustration, anxiety, hatred, even depression...but no aggression or action on these feelings. I've learned too well to ignore these feelings to keep them from destroying everything...too much Zen practice to suppress while in school. Few know just how deep these run. Not even my parents seem to understand...in fact, they were the largest factor in my early attempts at suppression. I realize now I've gone too far...suppressed to an unhealthy level. I remember the last time I had almost completely lost control. I was on my way to drafting from chemistry, two weeks from the end of my junior year in high school. I had earlier contemplated suicide because doors were constantly shut for help. While in the halls, I thought about these shut doors and turned my attention outward. I felt angry and wanted to pick a fight with any human being I could find (and there were many in the halls) because there was just so much I wanted to let go from too much bottling. It took my last ounce of control to realize there was a door left and used it to go see my guidance counselor. What I found was far from what I wanted or even needed and this pissed me off greatly but I had regained control by then and continued bottling.
I almost always considered myself stupid. The standardized test scores meant nothing to me...no...they mocked me. The obvious ability to succeed academically only made things worse. It only helped me realized just how much I couldn't ever get it together. I think back on my beginning of my life (my extreme memory also mocks me) and realize I had sadistic thoughts. I wonder if now they've grown into a more complex system that I'm not even aware of anymore. I think to a more recent part of my life when I attained a drunken state of megalomania. I knew there was next to nothing I could handle at that moment. I could practically hear "The Imperial March" from Star Wars as if it was really there. I was ready for anything...ever ability I had (physically and mentally) was at my disposal and there was much. I guess there was too much because it quickly and horribly crashed. I may have thought of blood (which can induce a panic attack under the correct circumstances) or maybe I hadn't the ability to handle the nicotine in my system at the time because I just started smoking. Maybe at the root I didn't want this power and subconsciously forced the crash. I damn near fainted (or may just as well have) on the floor in public eye...much to my embarrassment. I remember checking my watch prior to this (it was 11:57pm if I remember correctly) trying to regain control...barely able to stand with my blood pressure dropping and my body temperature rising while my vision faded and the high pitched ringing in my ears increased. Surprisingly, I had very little fear of this situation because I had become used to it from prior blood panic attacks and knew there was nothing physically wrong with me...at least nothing permanent that couldn't be fixed with the passing of the attack. I think a part of me died that day (either that or enlightened depending on my randomizing perspective of things) because I think that's when the "data streams" started.
Lately I've been studying the 8-Circuit Model of Consciousness and where I've been within it. It would appear I have a problem with circuit one (the very base) because the constant level of exercise I was previously getting was likely releasing endorphins to stabilize me. I think that's what may have allowed me to attain some social skills and inner peace and how much better my personality was. I can only hope to attain it once again. I also like to study my astrological sign Scorpio because it seems I scratched the surface of the things that would seem nice to embrace.