Memorable Quotes from Dodgeball
Memorable Quotes from
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
[wrench hits Justin in the face]
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Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
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Amber: Justin! I love you!
Justin: I lov...
White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chaci!
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White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
White Goodman: I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.
White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to you.
Peter La Fleur: All right.
White Goodman: Touché.
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White Goodman: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY.
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Peter La Fleur: Kate, it's time for you to put your mouth where our balls are.
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Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
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White Goodman: I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
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[the Average Joes are dressed in S&M leather]
Audience Member: You guys suck!
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White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
Peter La Fleur: You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling state of Globo Gym.
White Goodman: That's perpostrous! I'd never allow it.
Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company and there's nothing you can do about it.
Peter La Fleur: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
[Average Joe's Team cheering]
Peter La Fleur: I'm your new boss, White.
White Goodman: You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
Peter La Fleur: You're fired, pal.
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White Goodman: [on losing to Average Joe's] That's pure floppycock
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[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]
Patches O'Houlihan: Come on! I've got better runs in my shorts!
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Dwight: Bad morning boss?
Peter La Fleur: They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
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White Goodman: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman: You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur: Oh, hey White.
White Goodman: Yeah?
Peter La Fleur: You look awful fat in those pants.
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Peter La Fleur: Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
Owen: $50,000?
Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
Peter La Fleur: [Average Joe's team in shock, surprise, and excitement] Guys?
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Kate Veatch: For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?
Peter La Fleur: Hmmm...
Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
Kate Veatch: Well I guess that makes sense in a really sad way.
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White Goodman: Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society.
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White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize".
Kate Veatch: You're not. I'm off the clock.
White Goodman: Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock.
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Young Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
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Patches O'Houlihan: It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there.
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White Goodman: Cram it up your cramhole, LaFleur!
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[last lines]
White Goodman: You happy? Fatty make a funny?
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[after White unsuccessfully tries to kiss Kate]
Kate Veatch: You don't get to touch me, ever!
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Peter La Fleur: Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
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Patches O'Houlihan: Always remember the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
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White Goodman: And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?
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White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.
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Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
White Goodman: Yes, I did.
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Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.
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Peter La Fleur: [after being eliminated by a girl scout] You were adopted and your parents don't even love you.
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Patches O'Houlihan: My sweet dick, it's magic!
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Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
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Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
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[after sudden death is announced]
Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton!
Cotton McKnight: Right you are, Pep.
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Dwight: [after two team members are missing] And we're also missing Steve the Pirate!
Owen: Who's Steve the Pirate?
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White Goodman: Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?
Peter La Fleur: What?
White Goodman: I'm thinking of opening a new Globo Gym down in Mexico City, so I've been boning up on my Spanish.
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Patches O'Houlihan: You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
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White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.
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White Goodman: What about when you slept with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur: That was only one night.
White Goodman: What about the time you sent me a stripper for Globo-Gym's one year anniversary.
Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman: Yes, but it was also a man!
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Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
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White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[looks like she's choking]
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
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Peter La Fleur: Thank you Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris: No Peter, thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Suck failure, freaks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve the Pirate: Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.
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White Goodman: [being fat and watching the commercial for Average Joe's in disgust while eating] Spare me... I won the tournament... I did... fuckin' Chuck Norris!
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Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dwight: We could sell blood and semen.
[everyone gives him a strange look]
Dwight: What? Not mixed together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Veatch: That... is a really interesting painting.
White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.
Kate Veatch: I get it.
White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.
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White Goodman: There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
Justin: Yeah. Why?
Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.
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Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
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Dwight: I told you she was a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: Wow. Good call.
Kate Veatch: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: You're not?
Kate Veatch: No. I'm bisexual.
Dwight: Snap.
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Justin: Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for me!
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Patches O'Houlihan: There's a room full of guys and a lezbo counting on you!
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Pepper Brooks: Effin' A, Cotton, Effin' A!
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Patches O'Houlihan: All I know is that dyke can play!
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Fran: You are the one that stares at me. Why is this?
Owen: [even though Fran is a tough, scary, Slavic woman] Because you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
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Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: That's me, White. W-H-I-T... E.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: You're going down like a sweet muffin!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: Sometimes you gotta grab life by the haunches and hump it into submission.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Well, that's it. Good guy wins. Bad guy loses. Big freagin' surprise. That's the problem with the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity. "Whoa! Don't make me think!"
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White Goodman: We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!
[the whole team makes the dance movements from "We Will Rock You"]
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Voice on phone: This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5" and "Mona Lisa Smile". Thank you.
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Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
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Peter La Fleur: You must be "daddy"...
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Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.
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White Goodman: Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.
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White Goodman: Do you smell that fitness? I do.
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Patches O'Houlihan: I love the smell of queef in the morning.
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Owen: I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.
Dwight: Whatever you do, wash your hands.
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Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
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Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match. Unbelievable. I have been to the Great Wall of China. I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt. I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
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Pepper Brooks: Ooh, Ouchtown, population you, bro!
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Steve the Pirate: Yarr, I be the dread pirate Steve!
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Owen: Wait, you're telling me that there's a guy who dresses like a pirate on our team?
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Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.
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White Goodman: Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball.
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German Coach: [shouting in German] You are all swine! You have brought shame to your houses! Losers!
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Patches O'Houlihan: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
[wrench hits Justin in the face]
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Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amber: Justin! I love you!
Justin: I lov...
White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chaci!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
White Goodman: I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.
White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to you.
Peter La Fleur: All right.
White Goodman: Touché.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Kate, it's time for you to put your mouth where our balls are.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
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White Goodman: I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Average Joes are dressed in S&M leather]
Audience Member: You guys suck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
Peter La Fleur: You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling state of Globo Gym.
White Goodman: That's perpostrous! I'd never allow it.
Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company and there's nothing you can do about it.
Peter La Fleur: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
[Average Joe's Team cheering]
Peter La Fleur: I'm your new boss, White.
White Goodman: You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
Peter La Fleur: You're fired, pal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: [on losing to Average Joe's] That's pure floppycock
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]
Patches O'Houlihan: Come on! I've got better runs in my shorts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dwight: Bad morning boss?
Peter La Fleur: They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman: You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur: Oh, hey White.
White Goodman: Yeah?
Peter La Fleur: You look awful fat in those pants.
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Peter La Fleur: Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
Owen: $50,000?
Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
Peter La Fleur: [Average Joe's team in shock, surprise, and excitement] Guys?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Veatch: For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?
Peter La Fleur: Hmmm...
Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
Kate Veatch: Well I guess that makes sense in a really sad way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize".
Kate Veatch: You're not. I'm off the clock.
White Goodman: Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Cram it up your cramhole, LaFleur!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines]
White Goodman: You happy? Fatty make a funny?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after White unsuccessfully tries to kiss Kate]
Kate Veatch: You don't get to touch me, ever!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: Always remember the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
White Goodman: Yes, I did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: [after being eliminated by a girl scout] You were adopted and your parents don't even love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: My sweet dick, it's magic!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after sudden death is announced]
Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton!
Cotton McKnight: Right you are, Pep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dwight: [after two team members are missing] And we're also missing Steve the Pirate!
Owen: Who's Steve the Pirate?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?
Peter La Fleur: What?
White Goodman: I'm thinking of opening a new Globo Gym down in Mexico City, so I've been boning up on my Spanish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: What about when you slept with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur: That was only one night.
White Goodman: What about the time you sent me a stripper for Globo-Gym's one year anniversary.
Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman: Yes, but it was also a man!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[looks like she's choking]
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Thank you Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris: No Peter, thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Suck failure, freaks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve the Pirate: Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: [being fat and watching the commercial for Average Joe's in disgust while eating] Spare me... I won the tournament... I did... fuckin' Chuck Norris!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dwight: We could sell blood and semen.
[everyone gives him a strange look]
Dwight: What? Not mixed together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Veatch: That... is a really interesting painting.
White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.
Kate Veatch: I get it.
White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
Justin: Yeah. Why?
Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dwight: I told you she was a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: Wow. Good call.
Kate Veatch: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: You're not?
Kate Veatch: No. I'm bisexual.
Dwight: Snap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Justin: Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: There's a room full of guys and a lezbo counting on you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pepper Brooks: Effin' A, Cotton, Effin' A!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: All I know is that dyke can play!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fran: You are the one that stares at me. Why is this?
Owen: [even though Fran is a tough, scary, Slavic woman] Because you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: That's me, White. W-H-I-T... E.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: You're going down like a sweet muffin!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patches O'Houlihan: Sometimes you gotta grab life by the haunches and hump it into submission.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White Goodman: Well, that's it. Good guy wins. Bad guy loses. Big freagin' surprise. That's the problem with the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity. "Whoa! Don't make me think!"
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White Goodman: We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!
[the whole team makes the dance movements from "We Will Rock You"]
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Voice on phone: This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5" and "Mona Lisa Smile". Thank you.
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Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
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Peter La Fleur: You must be "daddy"...
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Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.
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White Goodman: Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.
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White Goodman: Do you smell that fitness? I do.
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Patches O'Houlihan: I love the smell of queef in the morning.
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Owen: I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.
Dwight: Whatever you do, wash your hands.
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Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
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Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match. Unbelievable. I have been to the Great Wall of China. I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt. I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
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Pepper Brooks: Ooh, Ouchtown, population you, bro!
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Steve the Pirate: Yarr, I be the dread pirate Steve!
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Owen: Wait, you're telling me that there's a guy who dresses like a pirate on our team?
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Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.
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White Goodman: Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball.
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German Coach: [shouting in German] You are all swine! You have brought shame to your houses! Losers!
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Patches O'Houlihan: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!