(no subject)
So things are moving in a positive direction for once in my life and I am not sure if I know how to handle it.
The thing that surpises me the most though is that I did it all on my own.
I was always so scared before.
I always waited for someone else to jump forward and tell me that is was ok.
Now I feel like the one who is jumping first.
That is a really good feeling.
Even though I feel like I am leaving my family behind.
I could really careless though.
Being ignored by my siblings.
My Mother finding pleasure in making me cry every time she sees me.
My father forgetting that I am alive. When I used to be his baby girl.
They dont deserve me if they feel like being incompetent fucks.
Sometimes I really wish that I could tell them exactly how I feel.
I wish the times that I had, that they would have listened.
I have told them I love them and hate them so many times that I have become neutral.
I seriously in a way dont have feelings for them as much as I used to.
They have treated me so bad that I dont want to live there anymore.
Yet I dont want to take Sandy's offer and live with her and Adam. I dont feel that it is my place. Even though she has done everything to make me feel right at home. In all reality it isnt my home, that is what makes it awkward I think.
My grandma offered me my old room. Yet I wouldnt want to move in until after they move grandpa to a nursing home. which might not be for awhile.
I dont want to give my grandma false hope that.
I told her I wouldnt be there that often. Not even at night. I would be spending most nights with adam.
I dont want her to be alone. I dont want her to have no one with her.
She says that she already lives alone. That grandpa isnt there and I know he isnt. He is off somewhere in his mind. Rotting. God do I love them more than the air I breath.
They are my mommy and popie. Truly. They took care of me most of my life.
I have lost my grandfathers mind and I know soon that his body will be lost aswell.
but to lose her.
it would take everything from me.
And to watch as my family divides their belongs.
To see them destroy the things they worked for so hard in life to gain.
To see there house ransacked and empty.
I think that would be the exact moment that my heart would die.
To love someone so much that it hurts. That is such a curse.
They are the ones I love the most.
The ones I push away the most.
I just wish I could still be little again.
Go back to those moments when I would pretend to be the lead in a famous ballet.
With them watching as if I was. No matter how long I pretended.
I just wish that I could have one more conversation with my grandfather, without him mumbling and forgetting my name.
I got off track from what this entry was supposed to be about.
but fuck it.
I am sick of everyone I love dying.
The thing that surpises me the most though is that I did it all on my own.
I was always so scared before.
I always waited for someone else to jump forward and tell me that is was ok.
Now I feel like the one who is jumping first.
That is a really good feeling.
Even though I feel like I am leaving my family behind.
I could really careless though.
Being ignored by my siblings.
My Mother finding pleasure in making me cry every time she sees me.
My father forgetting that I am alive. When I used to be his baby girl.
They dont deserve me if they feel like being incompetent fucks.
Sometimes I really wish that I could tell them exactly how I feel.
I wish the times that I had, that they would have listened.
I have told them I love them and hate them so many times that I have become neutral.
I seriously in a way dont have feelings for them as much as I used to.
They have treated me so bad that I dont want to live there anymore.
Yet I dont want to take Sandy's offer and live with her and Adam. I dont feel that it is my place. Even though she has done everything to make me feel right at home. In all reality it isnt my home, that is what makes it awkward I think.
My grandma offered me my old room. Yet I wouldnt want to move in until after they move grandpa to a nursing home. which might not be for awhile.
I dont want to give my grandma false hope that.
I told her I wouldnt be there that often. Not even at night. I would be spending most nights with adam.
I dont want her to be alone. I dont want her to have no one with her.
She says that she already lives alone. That grandpa isnt there and I know he isnt. He is off somewhere in his mind. Rotting. God do I love them more than the air I breath.
They are my mommy and popie. Truly. They took care of me most of my life.
I have lost my grandfathers mind and I know soon that his body will be lost aswell.
but to lose her.
it would take everything from me.
And to watch as my family divides their belongs.
To see them destroy the things they worked for so hard in life to gain.
To see there house ransacked and empty.
I think that would be the exact moment that my heart would die.
To love someone so much that it hurts. That is such a curse.
They are the ones I love the most.
The ones I push away the most.
I just wish I could still be little again.
Go back to those moments when I would pretend to be the lead in a famous ballet.
With them watching as if I was. No matter how long I pretended.
I just wish that I could have one more conversation with my grandfather, without him mumbling and forgetting my name.
I got off track from what this entry was supposed to be about.
but fuck it.
I am sick of everyone I love dying.