"she never mentions the word addiction..."
So, maybe the song doesn't suit my mood but still, there is something comforting in it.
Though often times I only share the romantic aspects of my life, particularly the relationships, I find that that is sometimes the best remedy of all.
I've finally made a decision about the course of my life and I've got goals that are about to be set firmly into place. Its time I think. I finally see a place for myself. I've decided that Im definitely going back to school and while it may not be for what I truly want, its something I truly think I will be able to build a life upon. A future upon, even if its just my own. Luckily I'll be able to attend the local CC, hopefully full time, to get my Associates in Administrative Assistance. Once that is underway I can enter into phase II of my two year plan:
Take the Civil service exam for Secretary I and Secretary II. With this achieved, I am fully confident that I will be able to achieve whatever dreams Ive temporarily set aside. This excites me.
So, now that I've decided on that, I can begin to decide on other factors of my life. I came to the most startling realization recently though and its simplicity is surprising. I spent so long trying to fun away from this place, to leave it behind me, that I forgot the feeling of home it always inspired in me. While I may not be 'home' in any sense of the word, thats what this town is starting to feel like again. Its a nice feeling, cozy and warm. It makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to finally be able to put down roots deep enough to want to stay somewhere. My life (for now) is here and my dreams are beginning to center around the possibility of starting something special here. The more I think on that, the more I'm beginning to see that I already have something special here. Even if nothing comes from my feelings, its been a year of growth.
Part of me has to wonder when this feeling started to take root, has to wonder when I started to care again. Maybe its been the fear of losing what little family I have or the fact that I have in essense had a family divided. I will admit, freely, that I am sorry for that but I also want to take the time to remind you, each individually, of how much you ALL mean to me. Maybe part of becoming an adult is gaining the ability to admit that you're scared, or hurt. Of being able to ask for help. Im not there yet but Im getting closer. It feels like I haven't smiled like this in awhile. Even with the pressures around me, I find I can cope just fine knowing that I've got people who love and care for me as much as I love and care for them. Crystal helped me a lot this past visit and Im thankful for her. I was able to talk to her and unburden my concerns to someone who understood, reinforcing that my fears were unfounded. <3 It was nice to hear that from someone else.
Speaking of friends though...My heart truly went out to Tony last night. He is one of the sweetest, most caring people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and to see him in such pain almost broke my heart. I know that once in awhile people just need to cry but to find out why hurt more then the tears ever could. I wish, for one day, he could see himself the way I see him-superman cape and all. Its odd how hard it is for me to pin my feelings down when it comes to him but its obvious that I love him. Whether or not its strictly friendly isn't relevant. I wish that he never had to question the kind of man he is, to wonder whether or not he'd have turned out 'right' with a more stable male influence in his life. No one should ever have to question their upbringing. If I could, I would congratulate his mother on the impeccable job she did of raising him as a single mom. Perhaps thats why Im so overprotective of him but I highly doubt it.The idea of something hurting him almost sent me into a rage. He's untouchable. My personal sunshine. *sigh* He's just Tony. My Tony. My beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, funny, eccentric Tony. If I was a better person I wouldn't stake a claim but Im still selfish about certain things. He just happens to be one of them. <3
Its funny but I alway feel bad when i talk about one and not the other, especially when Ang is finally starting to show signs of jealousy. Its cute really. This is my life and Im okay with that.
Though often times I only share the romantic aspects of my life, particularly the relationships, I find that that is sometimes the best remedy of all.
I've finally made a decision about the course of my life and I've got goals that are about to be set firmly into place. Its time I think. I finally see a place for myself. I've decided that Im definitely going back to school and while it may not be for what I truly want, its something I truly think I will be able to build a life upon. A future upon, even if its just my own. Luckily I'll be able to attend the local CC, hopefully full time, to get my Associates in Administrative Assistance. Once that is underway I can enter into phase II of my two year plan:
Take the Civil service exam for Secretary I and Secretary II. With this achieved, I am fully confident that I will be able to achieve whatever dreams Ive temporarily set aside. This excites me.
So, now that I've decided on that, I can begin to decide on other factors of my life. I came to the most startling realization recently though and its simplicity is surprising. I spent so long trying to fun away from this place, to leave it behind me, that I forgot the feeling of home it always inspired in me. While I may not be 'home' in any sense of the word, thats what this town is starting to feel like again. Its a nice feeling, cozy and warm. It makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to finally be able to put down roots deep enough to want to stay somewhere. My life (for now) is here and my dreams are beginning to center around the possibility of starting something special here. The more I think on that, the more I'm beginning to see that I already have something special here. Even if nothing comes from my feelings, its been a year of growth.
Part of me has to wonder when this feeling started to take root, has to wonder when I started to care again. Maybe its been the fear of losing what little family I have or the fact that I have in essense had a family divided. I will admit, freely, that I am sorry for that but I also want to take the time to remind you, each individually, of how much you ALL mean to me. Maybe part of becoming an adult is gaining the ability to admit that you're scared, or hurt. Of being able to ask for help. Im not there yet but Im getting closer. It feels like I haven't smiled like this in awhile. Even with the pressures around me, I find I can cope just fine knowing that I've got people who love and care for me as much as I love and care for them. Crystal helped me a lot this past visit and Im thankful for her. I was able to talk to her and unburden my concerns to someone who understood, reinforcing that my fears were unfounded. <3 It was nice to hear that from someone else.
Speaking of friends though...My heart truly went out to Tony last night. He is one of the sweetest, most caring people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and to see him in such pain almost broke my heart. I know that once in awhile people just need to cry but to find out why hurt more then the tears ever could. I wish, for one day, he could see himself the way I see him-superman cape and all. Its odd how hard it is for me to pin my feelings down when it comes to him but its obvious that I love him. Whether or not its strictly friendly isn't relevant. I wish that he never had to question the kind of man he is, to wonder whether or not he'd have turned out 'right' with a more stable male influence in his life. No one should ever have to question their upbringing. If I could, I would congratulate his mother on the impeccable job she did of raising him as a single mom. Perhaps thats why Im so overprotective of him but I highly doubt it.The idea of something hurting him almost sent me into a rage. He's untouchable. My personal sunshine. *sigh* He's just Tony. My Tony. My beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, funny, eccentric Tony. If I was a better person I wouldn't stake a claim but Im still selfish about certain things. He just happens to be one of them. <3
Its funny but I alway feel bad when i talk about one and not the other, especially when Ang is finally starting to show signs of jealousy. Its cute really. This is my life and Im okay with that.