(no subject)
He read the previous entry and suggested that while he can no longer swim beside me, he could perhaps be my lifejacket. And I realized two things; 1) that he is shit at analogies, and 2) that that is not only incredibly fucking patronising but also probably the last thing that I want. I have to get back to dry land on my own, and to my surprise, I already feel like I'm pretty close.
It is fine. I am fine. We can move on with our lives now. But I need to get one thing straight:
What he did and the way he did it will never be fine.
I will never thank him for 'freeing' me or for doing the 'right' thing or anything like that. I will never agree that it wouldn't have worked if he had communicated and decided to enjoy my company rather than focusing on the negatives or just put some bloody effort into making it work. I will never forgive him for standing back and watching, no wait, not even noticing as I lost my sense of self, or for talking to a known homewrecker, but not me, about us, or even entertaining the possibility that anything she said or did was worth anything more to him than me. I will never forgive him for telling me everything was fine when it was precisely the opposite, and in doing so, never once giving me any control over our my future. He was thinking and acting like a single person, long before we were apart. Possibly years. And none of the above will ever be okay. I'm not sure if there's any way he can make things right. At least not for a while.
But I will be - I am - fine. For all of the above reasons, and more, I am happier without him. He has done me a colossal favour, but not in the way that he thinks. Rather than doing the right thing, he did completely the fucking wrong thing, and for this reason my wellbeing without him is not something he gets to feel good about. It is also the thing which helps me to move on from a relationship I had no wish to be out of before he ended it, the way he ended it. But I need not be embarrassed that I stayed for so long and was willing to work on things because that is who I am. Loyal, passionate, patient, trusting and understanding. Realistic. Honest. Brave. If he were any one of these we would still be working well together. But he is not. He is sadly lacking. And it only goes to prove that, more than just deserving better or being able to find better; in every way, I am better than him.
That knowledge is the key to my freedom and happiness, and that is something that he will never be able to take credit for. That doesn't mean that I'm angry with him; there is no point, he is clearly not capable of anything more. The bitterness will fade in time - the process has, believe it or not, already begun. Some days I just pity him for his misguided attempts at living life.
But it does mean that all credit for my current state is mine; I am back in control, and it is glorious.
It is fine. I am fine. We can move on with our lives now. But I need to get one thing straight:
What he did and the way he did it will never be fine.
I will never thank him for 'freeing' me or for doing the 'right' thing or anything like that. I will never agree that it wouldn't have worked if he had communicated and decided to enjoy my company rather than focusing on the negatives or just put some bloody effort into making it work. I will never forgive him for standing back and watching, no wait, not even noticing as I lost my sense of self, or for talking to a known homewrecker, but not me, about us, or even entertaining the possibility that anything she said or did was worth anything more to him than me. I will never forgive him for telling me everything was fine when it was precisely the opposite, and in doing so, never once giving me any control over our my future. He was thinking and acting like a single person, long before we were apart. Possibly years. And none of the above will ever be okay. I'm not sure if there's any way he can make things right. At least not for a while.
But I will be - I am - fine. For all of the above reasons, and more, I am happier without him. He has done me a colossal favour, but not in the way that he thinks. Rather than doing the right thing, he did completely the fucking wrong thing, and for this reason my wellbeing without him is not something he gets to feel good about. It is also the thing which helps me to move on from a relationship I had no wish to be out of before he ended it, the way he ended it. But I need not be embarrassed that I stayed for so long and was willing to work on things because that is who I am. Loyal, passionate, patient, trusting and understanding. Realistic. Honest. Brave. If he were any one of these we would still be working well together. But he is not. He is sadly lacking. And it only goes to prove that, more than just deserving better or being able to find better; in every way, I am better than him.
That knowledge is the key to my freedom and happiness, and that is something that he will never be able to take credit for. That doesn't mean that I'm angry with him; there is no point, he is clearly not capable of anything more. The bitterness will fade in time - the process has, believe it or not, already begun. Some days I just pity him for his misguided attempts at living life.
But it does mean that all credit for my current state is mine; I am back in control, and it is glorious.