(no subject)
Hello old friend. It's been a while.. I sometimes think you are a portion of my life that I have put behind me but perhaps I have an innate need to keep you around for times like this, when everything falls apart and I have nowhere else to turn..
Things, unfortunately, have not changed much since my last entry almost 2 years ago. Only now he has left me for the very reasons I was so concerned with back then. He has grown comfortable, fallen out of love and now I must leave my beloved Cardiff and go back to Devon, whence I came.
To create a new life. To be reborn.
It is just too ironic, the way the tables have turned. The timing is just so wrong. The execution so... One sided. I was left without the power to decide my own fate as I wished.
I woke up this morning with purpose, ready for the first day of the rest of our lives. How the fuck did I end up here? In bed alone, not slept, surrounded by boxes of possessions that have no meaning in comparison to what I leave behind.
I am left reeling, how bizarre, how absolutely fucking ridiculous it all is, I cannot quite take it in. I feel as though I am trapped in some crystal maze and if I could just figure out the puzzle things will return to where they were, or better.. But there are pieces I cannot grasp at, just out of my reach. How on earth do I escape this mess?
And at the end of it all, left without the (righteous, virtuous, beautiful) anger, just the small hollow sadness left in its place, along with the knowledge that I would take him back in a heartbeat.
But he won't have me anymore.
And that is the very reason I shouldn't. And what makes it all hypothetical.
How did being in a relationship with the man I've been with for nigh on 3 years become only a possibility in a hypothesis?! In a matter of minutes?!!
......
Now comes the task of working out who I am again. Without him. The very opposite of who I wanted to be.
It just doesn't make sense. It just doesn't.
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