I think I'm responding to your tone of self-accusation, your talking as though you failed at or just lost sight of something important that you were supposed to accomplish, and I wonder if while excoriating yourself for all of these imagined expectations, you failed to give yourself credit for simply surviving the whole thing. And there's still time to do all of those things, to take your experience and forge it into something to help people- I just think that rage and depression are the same thing and that rage is our way of pushing back despair for a little while, and that a desperate sort of energy will never maintain itself. I don't think they can make the same changes as an intentional energy that has been through what you have. Expecting all this from yourself while still struggling to get through the immediacy of her death is so huge. I hate hearing you say that you failed and that you gave up. I just wonder if you felt like trying to live your life was a betrayal of Kristina and you got caught up in this double-bind that refused to embrace death like she did but still felt as though her death somehow invalidated normalcy. I've certainly had my moments of that.
I wonder if part of your guilt was reinforced by being with Chuck, because as someone with his own history with Kristina and his own nagging feelings of guilt, he couldn't deny or even necessarily ease your feelings of guilt without exonerating himself.
Sometimes it's very difficult or even impossible to exonerate ourselves. But I wonder if we're all just keeping the secret of our guilt and that's what drives everyone apart.
Enough of me waxing philosophical and speculating and spouting everything that comes to mind. Bottom line: I want to see you, I want to talk, I've missed you. And I feel like I have my own share of alienation guilt- when Genay and I started having trouble getting together, I would prioritize spending time with just her and somehow never made it up to Tacoma with the intent of seeing just you, or just Charysse, and after a point it seemed as though the three of you were never together. I was worried about her and since I had some inkling of what she was going through, I threw my energy into that, even while knowing I had no way of knowing what you were going through and not having any way in.
My phone number is 425-417-9274. I'm not sure if I still have your number around somewhere, and if I do it's probably not current. I'll be driving down from Issaquah to Olympia sometime after the 5th and before the 12th, and I have total freedom there to do whatever I want with those days because I haven't yet made any plans or accepted any obligations or appointments. I can also drive up from Olympia whenever, or if none of this works or you need to get away, come to Olympia anytime. Let me know what works for you, and hopefully we can clear a substantial chunk of time. I miss you.
I think I'm responding to your tone of self-accusation, your talking as though you failed at or just lost sight of something important that you were supposed to accomplish, and I wonder if while excoriating yourself for all of these imagined expectations, you failed to give yourself credit for simply surviving the whole thing. And there's still time to do all of those things, to take your experience and forge it into something to help people- I just think that rage and depression are the same thing and that rage is our way of pushing back despair for a little while, and that a desperate sort of energy will never maintain itself. I don't think they can make the same changes as an intentional energy that has been through what you have. Expecting all this from yourself while still struggling to get through the immediacy of her death is so huge. I hate hearing you say that you failed and that you gave up. I just wonder if you felt like trying to live your life was a betrayal of Kristina and you got caught up in this double-bind that refused to embrace death like she did but still felt as though her death somehow invalidated normalcy. I've certainly had my moments of that.
I wonder if part of your guilt was reinforced by being with Chuck, because as someone with his own history with Kristina and his own nagging feelings of guilt, he couldn't deny or even necessarily ease your feelings of guilt without exonerating himself.
Sometimes it's very difficult or even impossible to exonerate ourselves. But I wonder if we're all just keeping the secret of our guilt and that's what drives everyone apart.
Enough of me waxing philosophical and speculating and spouting everything that comes to mind. Bottom line: I want to see you, I want to talk, I've missed you. And I feel like I have my own share of alienation guilt- when Genay and I started having trouble getting together, I would prioritize spending time with just her and somehow never made it up to Tacoma with the intent of seeing just you, or just Charysse, and after a point it seemed as though the three of you were never together. I was worried about her and since I had some inkling of what she was going through, I threw my energy into that, even while knowing I had no way of knowing what you were going through and not having any way in.
My phone number is 425-417-9274. I'm not sure if I still have your number around somewhere, and if I do it's probably not current. I'll be driving down from Issaquah to Olympia sometime after the 5th and before the 12th, and I have total freedom there to do whatever I want with those days because I haven't yet made any plans or accepted any obligations or appointments. I can also drive up from Olympia whenever, or if none of this works or you need to get away, come to Olympia anytime. Let me know what works for you, and hopefully we can clear a substantial chunk of time. I miss you.
Love,
Ash
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