(no subject)
I'm starting to feel like I can't be myself unless I have the excuse of being not sober...
am I too crazy to be accepted sober?
because that is how I feel.
I don't know who I am anymore...
everything that used to make me... me... is gone.
and seeing as those things were people who I doubt will ever be in my life again I don't know what to do.
I feel really lost right now.
I'm lonely..
but I honestly don't think I could ever trust anyone again to let them close
I've gotten good at keeping people at arm's length.
why let people close then all they're going to do is break your heart and fuck up
but how can I cure my loneliness when I'm unwilling to open up to anyone.
If the man of my dreams walked into my life today I'm not sure I would have the strength to let him be apart of my life.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't know if I can feel anymore.
I mean... I have two grandparents who I care dearly about in serious conditions both in ICU... and I haven't even cried once. Instead of hoping that there might be a miracle to pull either of them through, I have just accepted their fate and moved one. I should be more upset. I should be hoping for the best. but I can't believe that they will beat the odds when more often in life the worst possible outcome is the outcome I get.
If I'm not high or drunk... it's almost like I can't feel anymore.
am I too crazy to be accepted sober?
because that is how I feel.
I don't know who I am anymore...
everything that used to make me... me... is gone.
and seeing as those things were people who I doubt will ever be in my life again I don't know what to do.
I feel really lost right now.
I'm lonely..
but I honestly don't think I could ever trust anyone again to let them close
I've gotten good at keeping people at arm's length.
why let people close then all they're going to do is break your heart and fuck up
but how can I cure my loneliness when I'm unwilling to open up to anyone.
If the man of my dreams walked into my life today I'm not sure I would have the strength to let him be apart of my life.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't know if I can feel anymore.
I mean... I have two grandparents who I care dearly about in serious conditions both in ICU... and I haven't even cried once. Instead of hoping that there might be a miracle to pull either of them through, I have just accepted their fate and moved one. I should be more upset. I should be hoping for the best. but I can't believe that they will beat the odds when more often in life the worst possible outcome is the outcome I get.
If I'm not high or drunk... it's almost like I can't feel anymore.