RIP Mother!
In case you missed it the last few days ive had locked posts because it was deeply private stuff I just had to get out. to catch those who are not on my friends filter up, Today I held my mothers hand as she gasped her last breath and as her heart gave its last few pumps. Such a big heart it was! I feel my own heart breaking over and over again.
Despite the unexpected suddenness of this, she had done everything in her power years ago to make this as easy as possible for my sister and i. Living wills, power of attorney, durable power of attorney, updated will, verified access to the safety deposit box and a key for me. She did not want to be kept alive on life support, there was little to no chance of any meaningful recovery, The plan to have her body donated to science (even if the UNM bastards won't take her because they apparently only want people with supermodel figures) We found another option for her to try and satisfy her wishes. (especially since she cant have herself willed to be placed upon a compost pile like she frequetly asked for)
She like myself was an atheist, she was also borderline agnostic who dabbled in episcopalian tendency's, basically believed be good for well lack of less coined phrase "for goodness sake". Not for some great cosmic over arching system.
I'm still struggling with deciding what where how when and to what extent the memorial should be. I'm half thinking of asking explora if they would host the memorial it was very much a big part of her life for the last 7 or 8 years, and many of them were her best and closest friends.
I have by no means even scratched the rainbow of emotions I fully expect to experience, ive cycled through a few, mostly I'm just pretty shut down internally. perhaps it is the 1.5 hours sleep. or just shock, perhaps for right now I'm just cried out, i expect it will return, ive always been a little heavy with the waterworks, I fully expect nearly anytime anyone says some thing nice about her or wishes me well they will return.
My family (what remains) is awesome, my sister and her husband and kids came, the kids were so strong. My father (her Ex) came, They lent so much moral support! I so very much needed/wanted the re-assurance I was doing the right thing, and they stood behind me and caught me before i could fall. I love them all so very much!
Th tears have once again caused my vision to fade im sure this is fought with more typos than normal, im sorry, all I can say is thank you to all the well wishers, I will be ok! not soon, not by a long shot, but I will be ok!
Tomorrow I we continue to try to pick up the pieces of the puzzle, and figure out what comes next this is all so new to me.
I love you mom!
p.s. She didnt even have the salmon moose!
Despite the unexpected suddenness of this, she had done everything in her power years ago to make this as easy as possible for my sister and i. Living wills, power of attorney, durable power of attorney, updated will, verified access to the safety deposit box and a key for me. She did not want to be kept alive on life support, there was little to no chance of any meaningful recovery, The plan to have her body donated to science (even if the UNM bastards won't take her because they apparently only want people with supermodel figures) We found another option for her to try and satisfy her wishes. (especially since she cant have herself willed to be placed upon a compost pile like she frequetly asked for)
She like myself was an atheist, she was also borderline agnostic who dabbled in episcopalian tendency's, basically believed be good for well lack of less coined phrase "for goodness sake". Not for some great cosmic over arching system.
I'm still struggling with deciding what where how when and to what extent the memorial should be. I'm half thinking of asking explora if they would host the memorial it was very much a big part of her life for the last 7 or 8 years, and many of them were her best and closest friends.
I have by no means even scratched the rainbow of emotions I fully expect to experience, ive cycled through a few, mostly I'm just pretty shut down internally. perhaps it is the 1.5 hours sleep. or just shock, perhaps for right now I'm just cried out, i expect it will return, ive always been a little heavy with the waterworks, I fully expect nearly anytime anyone says some thing nice about her or wishes me well they will return.
My family (what remains) is awesome, my sister and her husband and kids came, the kids were so strong. My father (her Ex) came, They lent so much moral support! I so very much needed/wanted the re-assurance I was doing the right thing, and they stood behind me and caught me before i could fall. I love them all so very much!
Th tears have once again caused my vision to fade im sure this is fought with more typos than normal, im sorry, all I can say is thank you to all the well wishers, I will be ok! not soon, not by a long shot, but I will be ok!
Tomorrow I we continue to try to pick up the pieces of the puzzle, and figure out what comes next this is all so new to me.
I love you mom!
p.s. She didnt even have the salmon moose!