But I Wish I Could Feel It All For You, I'll Erase Your Pain If I Could
Pairing: Changmin/ Yoochun brief Jaejoong/ Yoochun
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Rating: NC 17
Summary: Yoochun is a screw up, Changmin is perfect and this is their long road to love
for insomoleptic and pawshingo
Not mine
Yoochun’s always been fucked up, perfectly unstable and probably no future to look forward too. He’s tried it all - alcohol, drugs and sex, repeat that for a couple of years and you have a vice. It’s his way of life, a cycle of downs; things going from bad to worse. He even wonders how he’s still even alive, he’s always on the edge of life and death, sanity and insanity.
The only stable thing in his life is Changmin- he’s a friend and sometimes a lover but most importantly he’s the only one he’s ever really loved and he won’t stop loving the other. Of course Changmin doesn’t know- he hides it from the other man- he doesn’t want to damage their friendship or whatever they have. Changmin’s always been there for him and he never takes it for granted.
Yoochun wakes up, it’s dark and he doesn’t know where he is - nothing is familiar. He sees a man lying next to him naked, gripping his waist tightly, nails digging in his skin. Yoochun tries to stand, he feels sore all over- he sees bruises in his arms and some bites on his thighs. He feels dry cum on his stomach- it’s sticky and disgusting. Just another night of mindless fuck with a stranger, it has no meaning- it never does. He grabs the clothes scattered all over the floor and dresses himself- he doesn’t bother to shower, he just had to get out fast.
He looks around the room and spots a box of cigarettes and a lighter and grabs it- the guy wouldn’t even notice he thinks. When he gets out he lights the cigarette and starts walking towards the bus stop, it’s a bit far but he doesn’t care. It was the only time he gets to think and have a little alone time he throws the cigarette on the sidewalk and doesn’t bother snuffing it out. He digs into his pockets looking for spare change and just to his luck finds nothing. He gets frustrated but he knows anger won’t get him anywhere so he remembers his phone and luckily it’s actually in his pocket. He dials an all to familiar number and waits.
Changmin groans when he hears his phone ring he tries to ignore it and puts a pillow over his head but it wouldn’t stop. Looking at the clock on his bedside table he curses, it’s six in the morning and who the hell calls at that hour on a Saturday?! He gets up and walks over the study table, cursing himself for placing it there in the first place.
“..lo?”
“Minnie! Thank God you answered”
Changmin rolls his eyes, of course it was Yoochun- it was always Yoochun calling him during ungodly hours. He sighs loudly and massages his head- he feels a migraine coming. He knows what’s going to happen next and starts to grab some clothes while walking out.
“Um, Minnie. . .you still there?”
“Yeah. Where’s the address?”
Changmin has always been Yoochun’s babysitter, taking care of him and looking out for the other. It wasn’t really fair he was the younger of the two it was supposed to be the other way around. It’s always been like this though, it’s how they live and he doesn’t think it would change anytime soon but he wishes so much it would. Yoochun tells him the area and Changmin just nods before ending the call- goes to his garage and starts the car.
Sometimes he wonders why he even puts up with this- Yoochun brings trouble everyone knew that. He never had the best reputation but nonetheless everyone wanted him, an air of mystery surrounded him and it was too alluring. Changmin thinks he better stop this- whatever thing he and Yoochun has but he can’t make himself. He was impossible to deal with but he didn’t know how to live without the other and he didn’t want to try. He thinks he may even be in love and you can never choose the people you fall in love with.
He reaches the place and finds Yoochun sitting on a bench nearby, he looks like a little lost boy and Changmin thinks maybe there’s still a little innocence in him. Yoochun sees him and runs towards the car, he gets and and greets Changmin with a smile, he doesn’t bother to smile back.
The ride is silent and almost awkward so Yoochun just turns on the radio, drowning out the silence. Yoochun sings along the music and Changmin can only awe at his voice, he’s supposed to be used to it but it gets him everytime. He thinks Yoochun would be a great singer if only he put his shit together. They reach Changmin’s house and he parks the car, they get out and head straight to his room. Changmin immediately goes back to his bed and Yoochun takes a shower, he practically lives here- he had clothes in Changmin’s cabinet in case of times like these.
By the time Yoochun comes out of the shower Changmin’s asleep already and Yoochun smiles at the sight. These were his favorite moments because during this brief moment in time he feels that Changmin is his and only his. He climbs in the bed and pulls the cover, he snuggles closer to Changmin and falls asleep on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
School’s always been a drag but he has to go anyway, Yoochun always feels out of place there and he knows he doesn’t belong. He goes towards the smoking area of the university and lights a cigarette, inhaling it thoroughly before puffing it out. He doesn’t notice another person until the man coughs, he looks at him briefly but only continues to smoke.
“Mind if I have one?” the pretty boy says, looking at Yoochun expectedly. Yoochun digs the pack out of his pocket and hands it over the other man, giving his lighter as well. Yoochun examines the other, he’s good looking-very good looking and absolutely delicious he thinks. He tries to put a nonchalant façade and continues to smoke without uttering a word.
“Jaejoong” the man says and Yoochun only nods in agreement. He snuffs out the cigarette on the wall before flicking it.
“Yoochun” he says and smirks.
Jaejoong pushes him, the kiss is rough and straight to the point. Yoochun can only grab Jaejoong shirt and follows the kiss. Yoochun hits the desk and the other helps him sit on it, feet dangling of the edge. Jaejoong grabs his cock through his jeans and he moans, he leans in for another kiss and it’s a battle of tongues. Jaejoong drops down and before Yoochun could think the other unzips his jeans sucks his cock through his boxers. Yoochun moans loudly- the building’s empty as no one holds classes there anymore- it was too old.
Jaejoong frees his cock and it’s hard, Jaejoong pumps it and Yoochun could only close his eyes at the sensation. He feels his cock being engulfed, the other’s tongue working wonders- he knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it all too well. Yoochun holds the sides of the table for support and pants, he could feel his sweat and it only makes everything hotter. Jaejoong plays with his slit and mouths his head, making lewd noises he could see his saliva making everything wet. Yoochun feels he’s close, and he makes a noise to let the other man know- he only sucks faster and Yoochun’s about to explode. He comes with his mouth open and eyes shut, he doesn’t scream.
He sees Jaejoong spit his cum and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand and stands ups. He leans in for another kiss, their mouths open and Yoochun reaches for Jaejoong’s belt buckle, trying to undo it. Jaejoong breaks the kiss to pull his pants down along with his boxers and Yoochun can only lick his lips at the sight. He kicks his jeans out of the way and opens his legs wide, Jaejoong kisses him again before entering him in one swift motion. Yoochun’s only response is to hold on to Jaejoong’s hair almost yanking it. Jaejoong experimentally thrusts in and out of him slowly and Yoochun can only grip the sides of the table tighter, biting his lip to keep him from screaming.
Jaejoong savors the sight of Yoochun breaking and totally uninhibited, his face contorted in pleasure and pain and makes him want to fuck him more. He grips Yoochun’s hips and slams into him, it’s rough but feels good, Yoochun’s walls clamping down on him, his dry channel providing him friction. Jaejoong turns Yoochun’s head to face him and Yoochun opens his eyes, he sticks two fingers in his mouth and Yoochun sucks it, tongue swirling around it-making lewd moans while doing so. Jaejoong could only imagine that mouth around the cock and the image almost sends him over the edge. He sets a brutal pace and Yoochun doesn’t hold back his screams anymore, he wraps his arms around Jaejoong’s neck and curls himself to the other man, his legs tightly digging into Jaejoong’s ass encouraging him to go faster. Jaejoong loses his rhythm and cums inside Yoochun, his breathing is heavy and he’s never fucked anyone like that before and it feels good.
He pulls out, he sees his cum mixed with a little blood, that’s what you get for being too rough. He sees that Yoochun’s still hard and wraps his hand around his cock, he strokes Yoochun until the other man cums. His hands sticky with the other’s essence he makes Yoochun lick his hand and he does, tasting himself.
They go back to class as if nothing happened, they don’t talk and simply go their separate ways towards their classrooms. Yoochun’s just in time for his last class with Changmin and sits at the back, he feels the sting but he doesn’t care right now. He waits for Changmin to enter and saves him a spot beside him, he takes out his notes in an effort to study but shuts it after a minute, it’s bullshit. Changmin finally comes in and Yoochun gives him a smile and points at the seat next to him, the other obliges and grabs the chair. Yoochun pushes his chair nearer to Changmin and they stay like that for the rest of the period.
Changmin takes Yoochun to his apartment and stays there for a while. Yoochun cooks him food and they watch a movie together, he helps Yoochun with his economics homework and Yoochun helps him with his English one. This is probably the only time they get serious and quiet. Yoochun corrects his papers, places red marks on it and places little comments and Changmin thinks that Yoochun abuses the red marker too much. He makes economics notes for Yoochun to make things easier for the other man, he knows how scatter brain he could get. They finish around ten and Changmin starts packing away, by ten thirty he’s out the door on his way home.
When Changmin gets home he throws his bag at the corner and changes into his sweatpants. He lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling his thoughts wandering, thinking about a certain someone. He hates how sometimes Yoochun is all he can think about, it’s almost an obsession. He tries to control himself at all times, puts his guards up whenever he was with the other. There are times where he just wants to pin Yoochun on the floor and kiss him senseless. But he knows he can’t do that so all he has are fantasies of what ifs. He knows Yoochun’s been around and he could only begin to imagine him being fucked by all those men, it angers him at the same time but he can’t do anything about it.
Yoochun climbs on top of him and straddles him, he removes his top and throws it on the floor. He inches towards Changmin’s face and kisses him and all he can do is kiss back. He feels Yoochun maneuver a little and finally takes off his pants and underwear and Changmin can only awe at the sight in front of him. Yoochun kisses his neck, his collarbones and his nipples and he can only moan at the ministrations. He feels Yoochun grab his cock and he wonders how he got naked that fast but all thoughts fly at the window when Yoochun takes him in his mouth. He sees Yoochun bob his head sucking him, he moans around his cock and Changmin can feel the vibrations and it only adds pleasure.
Before he can cum Yoochun stops and Changmin can only whine. Yoochun only smirks at him, Changmin’s eyes widen when he watches Yoochun suck on his own fingers. He sucks and licks it until and wets and coated, Yoochun reaches down and inserts two fingers inside of him and let’s out a moan. Changmin stares at the sight and he feels his cock harden even more, he watches Yoochun fuck himself and when he couldn’t take it anymore Changmin grab’s Yoochun’s shoulder and kisses him. He lines Yoochun’s hole with his cock and he watches Yoochun take all of him.
The tight heat around him was too much and his eyes roll at the feeling. He hears Yoochun panting on top of him, hands holding on to his chest, he’s sweating, his mouth open and eyes full of lust. Yoochun slowly lifts himself up before slamming back down and Changmin moans, he does it again and again and Changmin can feel everything. He wants more- he holds unto Yoochun’s hips and slams him into his cock, taking the other deeper. It’s fast paced, he feels Yoochun clamping down on him and he wants more of it, he pushes Yoochun on his back and pounds on him. He lifts the other’s leg up his shoulder and slams into him repeatedly making sure to hit Yoochun’s prostate. Changmin watches at Yoochun thrashes his head, grabbing at the sheets, his whimpers sound so hot and he thinks it’s his favorite sound. When he feels himself coming he pulls out and spills all over Yoochun’s stomach.
Changmin jolts awake, he’s sweating and his breathing labored, he looks at himself and sees a stain on his sweatpants. He knows what it is and growls angrily, he punches the headboard before he gets up to wash himself up. He hates fantasizing about the other because he knows this is all he’s going to get. He hates how overactive his imagination can be, he’s obviously into deep.
Yoochun sits with him during lunch and Changmin can barely look at him, his dream was still too fresh. Yoochun tries to talk to him but he only gives one word answers, he pouts and sticks out his tongue. Changmin can only roll his eyes at how childish the other one can be. He tries to block out what Yoochun’s saying because even his voice affects him so much. He barely catches what the other was saying.
“…Jaejoong.”
At that moment he sees another man standing next to Yoochun, he’s too pretty and Changmin thinks he hates him immediately. This man named Jaejoong gives him a small smile before sitting next to Yoochun, arms encircling him possessively. Changmin hates the sight and decides he’s had enough for lunch, he throws his unfinished sandwich and walks away. He hears Yoochun calling for him but he doesn’t care.
When he gets to class Yoochun sits beside him but he still won’t talk to the other. He really tries hard to ignore the other, he’s jealous and he doesn’t want to lash out on Yoochun. He changes his seat, far away from Yoochun and stays there, he doesn’t see the sadness in the other’s eyes when he turns his back on him. He doesn’t bother him anymore he rest of the day and Changmin doesn’t know if he’s happy about it or disappointed.
He goes to the parking lot to get his car but sees something he wishes he didn’t see. Jaejoong’s got Yoochun pinned on the car’s window, they’re making out and he sees Yoochun’s hands wander, grabbing the other’s ass. Jaejoong giggles at the action and sucks on Yoochun’s neck, he giggles and Jaejoong dives in for another kiss. He hates what he sees because he wants to be the one in Jaejoong’s position. He wants to grab Jaejoong by the collar and punch the shit out of his face, beat him until no one would recognize that pretty face of his.
Changmin lets out a loud cough and the two turn to him, Yoochun looks surprised but Jaejoong only smiles and even waves. He walks pass them, not failing to give them a dirty look. He stares longer at Yoochun, he wasn’t trying to hold back anymore- he was angry and he wanted the other to feel it. Yoochun looks at him and flinches but before he can say anything he feels Jaejoong drag him to his car.
Yoochun looks at Changmin, his back is turned and Yoochun wants to call out to him. He doesn’t know how to feel anymore, it’s true he loves Changmin more than he loves himself but he never did anything about it. The other never really seemed interested and Yoochun just gave up even before trying. He knows Changmin’s too good for him and he will never deserve a man like him. He only takes what he can get- this is all he’s worthy of, quick fucks and emotionless relationships.
Changmin deserves so much more than a fuck up and Yoochun has long accepted that fact. Changmin is the sun and Yoochun is nothing, he doesn’t even deserve the sun’s rays. He’ll be forever in the dark only hoping for a glimmer of light that he will never see. He’s contented with this, with this friendship because at least he had the other by his side. He’ll take what he can get and even a little piece of Changmin is more that enough. Now he thinks however that maybe he finally pushed the other man away. He prays that it isn’t the case because he won’t be able to handle it; he’ll die if he’s gone. Changmin is all Yoochun has, it’s his whole being.
He arrives in Jaejoong’s house and he doesn’t even have time to look around the place because Jaejoong drags him straight to the bedroom. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore, he feels Jaejoong kissing him, taking off his clothes and pushing him to the bed. He takes Jaejoong’s cock in his mouth and tries his best to suck him off when his thoughts are obviously someplace else. Jaejoong doesn’t seem to notice, he flips Yoochun on his back and barely prepares him before fucking him. He lets Jaejoong fuck him over and over until he can’t feel anymore, as long as it makes him stop thinking. When it’s over he feels too sore, he has bruises and bites everywhere and he’s bleeding. He deserves all this pain and more he thinks but it’s never enough.
He watches Jaejoong stand up, still naked and has no care at all. He lights up a cigarette and smokes in the room. Yoochun can only look at this man- he doesn’t even know him, just his name and how he fucks-nothing more. Sometimes he wonders why he does this to himself, why he destroys himself, beats himself. He doesn’t want to live anymore but he doesn’t want to die either so he fucks himself up. Jaejoong looks at him, smoke coming out from his lips, his face unreadable. Yoochun simply stands up, albeit weak he goes straight to the shower to at least try and clean himself up.
He turns the dial to the highest setting, it almost scalds his skin but he doesn’t care. He scrubs his skin until it’s red but he’s not clean enough, he’ll never be clean enough to deserve Changmin. When he finishes he looks at himself in the mirror- he stares at himself and he doesn’t recognize the person staring back. He’s broken, he’s sad, he’s lonely, he’s miserable- he doesn’t look alive anymore. He turns away from the mirror and goes out, Jaejoong is nowhere to be found but he sees clothes folded on the bed. He picks them up and looks at them - it’s his size and obviously Jaejoong’s but he wears it anyway. He picks up his discarded clothes and looks for a paper bag or something to put them in.
He walks down the stairs and looks for Jaejoong but he’s not there. He looks outside and sees rain- how fitting he thinks at least no one will see him cry as he walks. Jaejoong’s house is pretty far from his apartment but he doesn’t really care, he’s not in the mood to ride the bus- he wants to walk. He’s soaked to the bone and people look at him strangely but he doesn’t care. His mind is on Changmin and only him. He takes a chance and tries to call the other but all hears is the other’s voicemail. Changmin must really hate him, maybe he’s finally realized how much of a curse he was and he doesn’t blame him. Maybe it was about time anyway, he can’t cage Changmin any longer-he has to let him go. He tries to call him one last time and hopes the other picks up. He doesn’t and Yoochun feels the burn, it’s final- this is the end and it hasn’t even started yet.
He hears the voicemail again and just decides to leave one last message. He finds it difficult to talk because he doesn’t know what to say, what can he say? He wanted to say so many things but he didn’t know where to start and how to start. His thoughts were all messed up and his mouth couldn’t form words anymore, he hasn’t stopped crying and all he could do is cry on the phone. The rain hides his tears but it doesn’t hide who he is. It washes away and soaks him to the bone but no amount of rain can cleanse him. Before the voicemail could end he mutters a small sorry, his voice weak and soft.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”
He hears a beep, signaling the end of the recording and he shuts his phone. Mind completely blank, his emotions overriding everything- he wants the rain to wash it all away until he can’t feel, until he can’t think. His feet takes him to Changmin’s house without really meaning to but he thinks he really wants to see him, even for one last time. He doesn’t have the heart to ring the bell so he just stands there, he imagines Changmin in his room probably doing his homework. His face completely frustrated and Yoochun smiles at the image.
His mind calls out to Changmin, wishes he’d look out the window and maybe see him. Ten seconds he thinks, ten seconds- if he looks then it’s meant to be if not, he’ll disappear from his life forever.
He counts-ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one and prays so hard but when he looks up the curtains are still closed. Yoochun lowers his head, he expected this much but didn’t think it would hurt as much as it should. He looks one last time and mouths a goodbye and even though Changmin can’t hear him he prays that somewhere in the other’s heart there’s still a place for him. He walks away and he feels dead already.
Changmin feels a jolt, his heart feels pain and he doesn’t know why, he thinks of Yoochun, he doesn’t feel angry, not even close. He wants to hear the other’s voice so badly but he doesn’t have enough courage to do anything. He hates how he can’t do much but he fights it off, he thinks for once that maybe he should fight for what he wants. He gave up before he even tried- it wasn’t fair to him, he would rather get a rejection than deal with the what ifs. He grabs his phone ready to dial the other’s number when he sees the voicemails.
He listens to them, it’s nothing at first until he hears the last one. He swears it’s Yoochuns, he can hear him cry and he could almost imagine what the other looks like and it breaks his heart. Changmin doesn’t know what to do until he hears the faint sorry at the end. That one statement is enough for him to make up his mind. He runs out, wanting to get to Yoochun- he wants to take this chance because he knows it’s the only chance he has. He looks out the window and sees a figure and he’s sure it’s Yoochun. He runs out of the house trying to catch up with the other man.
“YOOCHUN!” He shouts, wanting the other man to hear it. He sees Yoochun stop and turn to him, eyes wide. Even though it’s raining he sees tear tracks on the other’s face and he knows he’s the cause of it.
“You’re a coward!” Changmin shouts at him, his hurt overcoming all the emotions that want to burst out. “If you wanted to say sorry, you should say it to my face” he tells Yoochun, he’s crying by now and he doesn’t know why. Everything he feels is intensified, too overwhelming and any moment will burst.
He feels Yoochun’s arms around him and he sees the other’s man looking at him. He looks so broken and nothing like the Yoochun he’s seen, it was like he was a different person. Changmin can’t help but embrace him tightly in return. “I’m sorry. . .” he hears Yoochun whisper, over and over again.
“Please stay, please. . .I’m sorry. . please” Yoochun cries out, he doesn’t know what he’s saying but he knows he doesn’t want Changmin to leave him. He can’t leave him, he won’t be able to take it.
“I beg of you, please. . .forgive me” Changmin hears the desperation in Yoochun’s voice. He sees Yoochun break before him, finally letting all his guard down, for once he sees the innocence he thought Yoochun lost. He feels Yoochun’s hand dig into his shirt, his head still hung low unable to look at him. He repeats it over and over again until it comes out as a whisper.
The rain pelts on them but all Changmin could feel was the warmth of Yoochun in his arms. “You don’t have to ask, I’ll always forgive you” he says and he feels Yoochun cry harder. Changmin cries with him, he cries for his own pain but most of all he cries for Yoochun.
“I love you Yoochun, I’ll always love you, always forgive you and I’ll always stay. I’m not going anywhere” Changmin looks Yoochun straight in the eye, he wants Yoochun to feel his love, feel his sincerity, he wants Yoochun to never forget his love.
“I don’t care. I’ll go through everything again if I have to, the fuck ups the downs, the ups, even at your worst. I’ll do it all over again as long as you’re here, as long as you’ll stay here. Just because I love you, nothing matters more than that. I love you, Yoochun, I love you and I won’t stop loving you”
Yoochun looks at Changmin, he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing but it’s everything that he’s wanted. He didn’t think he deserved this but Changmin was here, here with him. He holds Changmin’s face and, cupping his hands he tries to get the feel of the other. He wants to know that this is real, that it’s not a dream; he wants to make sure. He captures Changmin’s lips in a kiss-it’s soft and gentle and when they part he smiles at the other.
“I love you”
He smiles.
Fuck this is long. I’m tired. Feedback please?
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Rating: NC 17
Summary: Yoochun is a screw up, Changmin is perfect and this is their long road to love
for insomoleptic and pawshingo
Not mine
Yoochun’s always been fucked up, perfectly unstable and probably no future to look forward too. He’s tried it all - alcohol, drugs and sex, repeat that for a couple of years and you have a vice. It’s his way of life, a cycle of downs; things going from bad to worse. He even wonders how he’s still even alive, he’s always on the edge of life and death, sanity and insanity.
The only stable thing in his life is Changmin- he’s a friend and sometimes a lover but most importantly he’s the only one he’s ever really loved and he won’t stop loving the other. Of course Changmin doesn’t know- he hides it from the other man- he doesn’t want to damage their friendship or whatever they have. Changmin’s always been there for him and he never takes it for granted.
Yoochun wakes up, it’s dark and he doesn’t know where he is - nothing is familiar. He sees a man lying next to him naked, gripping his waist tightly, nails digging in his skin. Yoochun tries to stand, he feels sore all over- he sees bruises in his arms and some bites on his thighs. He feels dry cum on his stomach- it’s sticky and disgusting. Just another night of mindless fuck with a stranger, it has no meaning- it never does. He grabs the clothes scattered all over the floor and dresses himself- he doesn’t bother to shower, he just had to get out fast.
He looks around the room and spots a box of cigarettes and a lighter and grabs it- the guy wouldn’t even notice he thinks. When he gets out he lights the cigarette and starts walking towards the bus stop, it’s a bit far but he doesn’t care. It was the only time he gets to think and have a little alone time he throws the cigarette on the sidewalk and doesn’t bother snuffing it out. He digs into his pockets looking for spare change and just to his luck finds nothing. He gets frustrated but he knows anger won’t get him anywhere so he remembers his phone and luckily it’s actually in his pocket. He dials an all to familiar number and waits.
Changmin groans when he hears his phone ring he tries to ignore it and puts a pillow over his head but it wouldn’t stop. Looking at the clock on his bedside table he curses, it’s six in the morning and who the hell calls at that hour on a Saturday?! He gets up and walks over the study table, cursing himself for placing it there in the first place.
“..lo?”
“Minnie! Thank God you answered”
Changmin rolls his eyes, of course it was Yoochun- it was always Yoochun calling him during ungodly hours. He sighs loudly and massages his head- he feels a migraine coming. He knows what’s going to happen next and starts to grab some clothes while walking out.
“Um, Minnie. . .you still there?”
“Yeah. Where’s the address?”
Changmin has always been Yoochun’s babysitter, taking care of him and looking out for the other. It wasn’t really fair he was the younger of the two it was supposed to be the other way around. It’s always been like this though, it’s how they live and he doesn’t think it would change anytime soon but he wishes so much it would. Yoochun tells him the area and Changmin just nods before ending the call- goes to his garage and starts the car.
Sometimes he wonders why he even puts up with this- Yoochun brings trouble everyone knew that. He never had the best reputation but nonetheless everyone wanted him, an air of mystery surrounded him and it was too alluring. Changmin thinks he better stop this- whatever thing he and Yoochun has but he can’t make himself. He was impossible to deal with but he didn’t know how to live without the other and he didn’t want to try. He thinks he may even be in love and you can never choose the people you fall in love with.
He reaches the place and finds Yoochun sitting on a bench nearby, he looks like a little lost boy and Changmin thinks maybe there’s still a little innocence in him. Yoochun sees him and runs towards the car, he gets and and greets Changmin with a smile, he doesn’t bother to smile back.
The ride is silent and almost awkward so Yoochun just turns on the radio, drowning out the silence. Yoochun sings along the music and Changmin can only awe at his voice, he’s supposed to be used to it but it gets him everytime. He thinks Yoochun would be a great singer if only he put his shit together. They reach Changmin’s house and he parks the car, they get out and head straight to his room. Changmin immediately goes back to his bed and Yoochun takes a shower, he practically lives here- he had clothes in Changmin’s cabinet in case of times like these.
By the time Yoochun comes out of the shower Changmin’s asleep already and Yoochun smiles at the sight. These were his favorite moments because during this brief moment in time he feels that Changmin is his and only his. He climbs in the bed and pulls the cover, he snuggles closer to Changmin and falls asleep on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
School’s always been a drag but he has to go anyway, Yoochun always feels out of place there and he knows he doesn’t belong. He goes towards the smoking area of the university and lights a cigarette, inhaling it thoroughly before puffing it out. He doesn’t notice another person until the man coughs, he looks at him briefly but only continues to smoke.
“Mind if I have one?” the pretty boy says, looking at Yoochun expectedly. Yoochun digs the pack out of his pocket and hands it over the other man, giving his lighter as well. Yoochun examines the other, he’s good looking-very good looking and absolutely delicious he thinks. He tries to put a nonchalant façade and continues to smoke without uttering a word.
“Jaejoong” the man says and Yoochun only nods in agreement. He snuffs out the cigarette on the wall before flicking it.
“Yoochun” he says and smirks.
Jaejoong pushes him, the kiss is rough and straight to the point. Yoochun can only grab Jaejoong shirt and follows the kiss. Yoochun hits the desk and the other helps him sit on it, feet dangling of the edge. Jaejoong grabs his cock through his jeans and he moans, he leans in for another kiss and it’s a battle of tongues. Jaejoong drops down and before Yoochun could think the other unzips his jeans sucks his cock through his boxers. Yoochun moans loudly- the building’s empty as no one holds classes there anymore- it was too old.
Jaejoong frees his cock and it’s hard, Jaejoong pumps it and Yoochun could only close his eyes at the sensation. He feels his cock being engulfed, the other’s tongue working wonders- he knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it all too well. Yoochun holds the sides of the table for support and pants, he could feel his sweat and it only makes everything hotter. Jaejoong plays with his slit and mouths his head, making lewd noises he could see his saliva making everything wet. Yoochun feels he’s close, and he makes a noise to let the other man know- he only sucks faster and Yoochun’s about to explode. He comes with his mouth open and eyes shut, he doesn’t scream.
He sees Jaejoong spit his cum and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand and stands ups. He leans in for another kiss, their mouths open and Yoochun reaches for Jaejoong’s belt buckle, trying to undo it. Jaejoong breaks the kiss to pull his pants down along with his boxers and Yoochun can only lick his lips at the sight. He kicks his jeans out of the way and opens his legs wide, Jaejoong kisses him again before entering him in one swift motion. Yoochun’s only response is to hold on to Jaejoong’s hair almost yanking it. Jaejoong experimentally thrusts in and out of him slowly and Yoochun can only grip the sides of the table tighter, biting his lip to keep him from screaming.
Jaejoong savors the sight of Yoochun breaking and totally uninhibited, his face contorted in pleasure and pain and makes him want to fuck him more. He grips Yoochun’s hips and slams into him, it’s rough but feels good, Yoochun’s walls clamping down on him, his dry channel providing him friction. Jaejoong turns Yoochun’s head to face him and Yoochun opens his eyes, he sticks two fingers in his mouth and Yoochun sucks it, tongue swirling around it-making lewd moans while doing so. Jaejoong could only imagine that mouth around the cock and the image almost sends him over the edge. He sets a brutal pace and Yoochun doesn’t hold back his screams anymore, he wraps his arms around Jaejoong’s neck and curls himself to the other man, his legs tightly digging into Jaejoong’s ass encouraging him to go faster. Jaejoong loses his rhythm and cums inside Yoochun, his breathing is heavy and he’s never fucked anyone like that before and it feels good.
He pulls out, he sees his cum mixed with a little blood, that’s what you get for being too rough. He sees that Yoochun’s still hard and wraps his hand around his cock, he strokes Yoochun until the other man cums. His hands sticky with the other’s essence he makes Yoochun lick his hand and he does, tasting himself.
They go back to class as if nothing happened, they don’t talk and simply go their separate ways towards their classrooms. Yoochun’s just in time for his last class with Changmin and sits at the back, he feels the sting but he doesn’t care right now. He waits for Changmin to enter and saves him a spot beside him, he takes out his notes in an effort to study but shuts it after a minute, it’s bullshit. Changmin finally comes in and Yoochun gives him a smile and points at the seat next to him, the other obliges and grabs the chair. Yoochun pushes his chair nearer to Changmin and they stay like that for the rest of the period.
Changmin takes Yoochun to his apartment and stays there for a while. Yoochun cooks him food and they watch a movie together, he helps Yoochun with his economics homework and Yoochun helps him with his English one. This is probably the only time they get serious and quiet. Yoochun corrects his papers, places red marks on it and places little comments and Changmin thinks that Yoochun abuses the red marker too much. He makes economics notes for Yoochun to make things easier for the other man, he knows how scatter brain he could get. They finish around ten and Changmin starts packing away, by ten thirty he’s out the door on his way home.
When Changmin gets home he throws his bag at the corner and changes into his sweatpants. He lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling his thoughts wandering, thinking about a certain someone. He hates how sometimes Yoochun is all he can think about, it’s almost an obsession. He tries to control himself at all times, puts his guards up whenever he was with the other. There are times where he just wants to pin Yoochun on the floor and kiss him senseless. But he knows he can’t do that so all he has are fantasies of what ifs. He knows Yoochun’s been around and he could only begin to imagine him being fucked by all those men, it angers him at the same time but he can’t do anything about it.
Yoochun climbs on top of him and straddles him, he removes his top and throws it on the floor. He inches towards Changmin’s face and kisses him and all he can do is kiss back. He feels Yoochun maneuver a little and finally takes off his pants and underwear and Changmin can only awe at the sight in front of him. Yoochun kisses his neck, his collarbones and his nipples and he can only moan at the ministrations. He feels Yoochun grab his cock and he wonders how he got naked that fast but all thoughts fly at the window when Yoochun takes him in his mouth. He sees Yoochun bob his head sucking him, he moans around his cock and Changmin can feel the vibrations and it only adds pleasure.
Before he can cum Yoochun stops and Changmin can only whine. Yoochun only smirks at him, Changmin’s eyes widen when he watches Yoochun suck on his own fingers. He sucks and licks it until and wets and coated, Yoochun reaches down and inserts two fingers inside of him and let’s out a moan. Changmin stares at the sight and he feels his cock harden even more, he watches Yoochun fuck himself and when he couldn’t take it anymore Changmin grab’s Yoochun’s shoulder and kisses him. He lines Yoochun’s hole with his cock and he watches Yoochun take all of him.
The tight heat around him was too much and his eyes roll at the feeling. He hears Yoochun panting on top of him, hands holding on to his chest, he’s sweating, his mouth open and eyes full of lust. Yoochun slowly lifts himself up before slamming back down and Changmin moans, he does it again and again and Changmin can feel everything. He wants more- he holds unto Yoochun’s hips and slams him into his cock, taking the other deeper. It’s fast paced, he feels Yoochun clamping down on him and he wants more of it, he pushes Yoochun on his back and pounds on him. He lifts the other’s leg up his shoulder and slams into him repeatedly making sure to hit Yoochun’s prostate. Changmin watches at Yoochun thrashes his head, grabbing at the sheets, his whimpers sound so hot and he thinks it’s his favorite sound. When he feels himself coming he pulls out and spills all over Yoochun’s stomach.
Changmin jolts awake, he’s sweating and his breathing labored, he looks at himself and sees a stain on his sweatpants. He knows what it is and growls angrily, he punches the headboard before he gets up to wash himself up. He hates fantasizing about the other because he knows this is all he’s going to get. He hates how overactive his imagination can be, he’s obviously into deep.
Yoochun sits with him during lunch and Changmin can barely look at him, his dream was still too fresh. Yoochun tries to talk to him but he only gives one word answers, he pouts and sticks out his tongue. Changmin can only roll his eyes at how childish the other one can be. He tries to block out what Yoochun’s saying because even his voice affects him so much. He barely catches what the other was saying.
“…Jaejoong.”
At that moment he sees another man standing next to Yoochun, he’s too pretty and Changmin thinks he hates him immediately. This man named Jaejoong gives him a small smile before sitting next to Yoochun, arms encircling him possessively. Changmin hates the sight and decides he’s had enough for lunch, he throws his unfinished sandwich and walks away. He hears Yoochun calling for him but he doesn’t care.
When he gets to class Yoochun sits beside him but he still won’t talk to the other. He really tries hard to ignore the other, he’s jealous and he doesn’t want to lash out on Yoochun. He changes his seat, far away from Yoochun and stays there, he doesn’t see the sadness in the other’s eyes when he turns his back on him. He doesn’t bother him anymore he rest of the day and Changmin doesn’t know if he’s happy about it or disappointed.
He goes to the parking lot to get his car but sees something he wishes he didn’t see. Jaejoong’s got Yoochun pinned on the car’s window, they’re making out and he sees Yoochun’s hands wander, grabbing the other’s ass. Jaejoong giggles at the action and sucks on Yoochun’s neck, he giggles and Jaejoong dives in for another kiss. He hates what he sees because he wants to be the one in Jaejoong’s position. He wants to grab Jaejoong by the collar and punch the shit out of his face, beat him until no one would recognize that pretty face of his.
Changmin lets out a loud cough and the two turn to him, Yoochun looks surprised but Jaejoong only smiles and even waves. He walks pass them, not failing to give them a dirty look. He stares longer at Yoochun, he wasn’t trying to hold back anymore- he was angry and he wanted the other to feel it. Yoochun looks at him and flinches but before he can say anything he feels Jaejoong drag him to his car.
Yoochun looks at Changmin, his back is turned and Yoochun wants to call out to him. He doesn’t know how to feel anymore, it’s true he loves Changmin more than he loves himself but he never did anything about it. The other never really seemed interested and Yoochun just gave up even before trying. He knows Changmin’s too good for him and he will never deserve a man like him. He only takes what he can get- this is all he’s worthy of, quick fucks and emotionless relationships.
Changmin deserves so much more than a fuck up and Yoochun has long accepted that fact. Changmin is the sun and Yoochun is nothing, he doesn’t even deserve the sun’s rays. He’ll be forever in the dark only hoping for a glimmer of light that he will never see. He’s contented with this, with this friendship because at least he had the other by his side. He’ll take what he can get and even a little piece of Changmin is more that enough. Now he thinks however that maybe he finally pushed the other man away. He prays that it isn’t the case because he won’t be able to handle it; he’ll die if he’s gone. Changmin is all Yoochun has, it’s his whole being.
He arrives in Jaejoong’s house and he doesn’t even have time to look around the place because Jaejoong drags him straight to the bedroom. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore, he feels Jaejoong kissing him, taking off his clothes and pushing him to the bed. He takes Jaejoong’s cock in his mouth and tries his best to suck him off when his thoughts are obviously someplace else. Jaejoong doesn’t seem to notice, he flips Yoochun on his back and barely prepares him before fucking him. He lets Jaejoong fuck him over and over until he can’t feel anymore, as long as it makes him stop thinking. When it’s over he feels too sore, he has bruises and bites everywhere and he’s bleeding. He deserves all this pain and more he thinks but it’s never enough.
He watches Jaejoong stand up, still naked and has no care at all. He lights up a cigarette and smokes in the room. Yoochun can only look at this man- he doesn’t even know him, just his name and how he fucks-nothing more. Sometimes he wonders why he does this to himself, why he destroys himself, beats himself. He doesn’t want to live anymore but he doesn’t want to die either so he fucks himself up. Jaejoong looks at him, smoke coming out from his lips, his face unreadable. Yoochun simply stands up, albeit weak he goes straight to the shower to at least try and clean himself up.
He turns the dial to the highest setting, it almost scalds his skin but he doesn’t care. He scrubs his skin until it’s red but he’s not clean enough, he’ll never be clean enough to deserve Changmin. When he finishes he looks at himself in the mirror- he stares at himself and he doesn’t recognize the person staring back. He’s broken, he’s sad, he’s lonely, he’s miserable- he doesn’t look alive anymore. He turns away from the mirror and goes out, Jaejoong is nowhere to be found but he sees clothes folded on the bed. He picks them up and looks at them - it’s his size and obviously Jaejoong’s but he wears it anyway. He picks up his discarded clothes and looks for a paper bag or something to put them in.
He walks down the stairs and looks for Jaejoong but he’s not there. He looks outside and sees rain- how fitting he thinks at least no one will see him cry as he walks. Jaejoong’s house is pretty far from his apartment but he doesn’t really care, he’s not in the mood to ride the bus- he wants to walk. He’s soaked to the bone and people look at him strangely but he doesn’t care. His mind is on Changmin and only him. He takes a chance and tries to call the other but all hears is the other’s voicemail. Changmin must really hate him, maybe he’s finally realized how much of a curse he was and he doesn’t blame him. Maybe it was about time anyway, he can’t cage Changmin any longer-he has to let him go. He tries to call him one last time and hopes the other picks up. He doesn’t and Yoochun feels the burn, it’s final- this is the end and it hasn’t even started yet.
He hears the voicemail again and just decides to leave one last message. He finds it difficult to talk because he doesn’t know what to say, what can he say? He wanted to say so many things but he didn’t know where to start and how to start. His thoughts were all messed up and his mouth couldn’t form words anymore, he hasn’t stopped crying and all he could do is cry on the phone. The rain hides his tears but it doesn’t hide who he is. It washes away and soaks him to the bone but no amount of rain can cleanse him. Before the voicemail could end he mutters a small sorry, his voice weak and soft.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”
He hears a beep, signaling the end of the recording and he shuts his phone. Mind completely blank, his emotions overriding everything- he wants the rain to wash it all away until he can’t feel, until he can’t think. His feet takes him to Changmin’s house without really meaning to but he thinks he really wants to see him, even for one last time. He doesn’t have the heart to ring the bell so he just stands there, he imagines Changmin in his room probably doing his homework. His face completely frustrated and Yoochun smiles at the image.
His mind calls out to Changmin, wishes he’d look out the window and maybe see him. Ten seconds he thinks, ten seconds- if he looks then it’s meant to be if not, he’ll disappear from his life forever.
He counts-ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one and prays so hard but when he looks up the curtains are still closed. Yoochun lowers his head, he expected this much but didn’t think it would hurt as much as it should. He looks one last time and mouths a goodbye and even though Changmin can’t hear him he prays that somewhere in the other’s heart there’s still a place for him. He walks away and he feels dead already.
Changmin feels a jolt, his heart feels pain and he doesn’t know why, he thinks of Yoochun, he doesn’t feel angry, not even close. He wants to hear the other’s voice so badly but he doesn’t have enough courage to do anything. He hates how he can’t do much but he fights it off, he thinks for once that maybe he should fight for what he wants. He gave up before he even tried- it wasn’t fair to him, he would rather get a rejection than deal with the what ifs. He grabs his phone ready to dial the other’s number when he sees the voicemails.
He listens to them, it’s nothing at first until he hears the last one. He swears it’s Yoochuns, he can hear him cry and he could almost imagine what the other looks like and it breaks his heart. Changmin doesn’t know what to do until he hears the faint sorry at the end. That one statement is enough for him to make up his mind. He runs out, wanting to get to Yoochun- he wants to take this chance because he knows it’s the only chance he has. He looks out the window and sees a figure and he’s sure it’s Yoochun. He runs out of the house trying to catch up with the other man.
“YOOCHUN!” He shouts, wanting the other man to hear it. He sees Yoochun stop and turn to him, eyes wide. Even though it’s raining he sees tear tracks on the other’s face and he knows he’s the cause of it.
“You’re a coward!” Changmin shouts at him, his hurt overcoming all the emotions that want to burst out. “If you wanted to say sorry, you should say it to my face” he tells Yoochun, he’s crying by now and he doesn’t know why. Everything he feels is intensified, too overwhelming and any moment will burst.
He feels Yoochun’s arms around him and he sees the other’s man looking at him. He looks so broken and nothing like the Yoochun he’s seen, it was like he was a different person. Changmin can’t help but embrace him tightly in return. “I’m sorry. . .” he hears Yoochun whisper, over and over again.
“Please stay, please. . .I’m sorry. . please” Yoochun cries out, he doesn’t know what he’s saying but he knows he doesn’t want Changmin to leave him. He can’t leave him, he won’t be able to take it.
“I beg of you, please. . .forgive me” Changmin hears the desperation in Yoochun’s voice. He sees Yoochun break before him, finally letting all his guard down, for once he sees the innocence he thought Yoochun lost. He feels Yoochun’s hand dig into his shirt, his head still hung low unable to look at him. He repeats it over and over again until it comes out as a whisper.
The rain pelts on them but all Changmin could feel was the warmth of Yoochun in his arms. “You don’t have to ask, I’ll always forgive you” he says and he feels Yoochun cry harder. Changmin cries with him, he cries for his own pain but most of all he cries for Yoochun.
“I love you Yoochun, I’ll always love you, always forgive you and I’ll always stay. I’m not going anywhere” Changmin looks Yoochun straight in the eye, he wants Yoochun to feel his love, feel his sincerity, he wants Yoochun to never forget his love.
“I don’t care. I’ll go through everything again if I have to, the fuck ups the downs, the ups, even at your worst. I’ll do it all over again as long as you’re here, as long as you’ll stay here. Just because I love you, nothing matters more than that. I love you, Yoochun, I love you and I won’t stop loving you”
Yoochun looks at Changmin, he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing but it’s everything that he’s wanted. He didn’t think he deserved this but Changmin was here, here with him. He holds Changmin’s face and, cupping his hands he tries to get the feel of the other. He wants to know that this is real, that it’s not a dream; he wants to make sure. He captures Changmin’s lips in a kiss-it’s soft and gentle and when they part he smiles at the other.
“I love you”
He smiles.
Fuck this is long. I’m tired. Feedback please?