Soon I will be gone
Well, as I am sitting here writing this it is about 6 months before I am outta here, a part of me can't wait to get to California, but there is a part of me that will miss this place. I was born and raised in Missouri, all my family is here as are some of my friends, and I will miss them all. But my life has never been the same since my dad died, I feel empty inside. I mean he was there for me my entire life and then in one weekend he was taken from me and my siblings. I have only visited his grave once, but I do plan to go there once more before I leave, its just that its hard to go there, knowing that he is laying 6 feet beneath me rotting away. I will always remember the day I found him laying in his bed. I called to him several times but he never answered, no matter how loud I got he was just laying there staring blankly up at the ceiling. And not a half hour before I was in there getting his medicine ready to take to the hospital with us and he was alive. I mean I know he was in pain and I know that now he is in a better place, but dammit I wasn't ready yet. To this day I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat cuz I dreamed about the day I found him. And I know that those damn dreams will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but being in Missouri seems to make things worse for me. So I decided the best thing to do is move as far away from here as possible. It also helps that I have business plans out there when I first get out there. I know I will be missed by my family, but as far as my friends out here go, well most of them have apparently turned their backs on me, saying that money that was owed to someone else was given to me and I spent it instead of giving it to them. And as far as the friends that remain true to me, well after I am gone for a few months I will be forgotten, why remember me, I'm not anyone special. If I died would they care, sure but only thru the funeral and maybe a few weeks after, but after that I will be a distant memory, someone that they kinda remember but not really care about anymore. So whats the difference between me being dead and moving halfway across the country. As far as they're concerned there is no difference. Sure I will be back here someday to visit family, and maybe I will look up some of my old friends. But will they care if I stay or go. Doubtful. I think that it will be best that I leave, not for myself but for my friends. If I stayed here what good would I do them? I am sure after awhile they will find someone new to take my place. So with a heavy heart I will say my goodbyes to everyone. Tell them I love them all and I will miss them. They will most likely say the same thing. Will I get any kind of going away party, only if I supply everything then they will show up and say goodbye. Do I care, sure, will I be surprised, not one bit. See if there is one thing that I have learned in life its this, never count on anyone but yourself, you will always be let down in the end. The only person I always counted on being there for me was taken from me. Do I think I am making a mistake by moving out to Los Angeles, not at all, is there a risk, a big one. But noone ever knows what they are truely capable of unless they take a risk. I know I have said it before but it needs to be said again, I will miss everyone that I know and love, but I need to do this. And in case anyone who reads this is thinking that I am full of crap and I am doing this cuz I wanna make money than you don't know me at all. The reason I am doing this is because I want to make something of my life. I have been told before by my siblings that the one thing my dad always said to them before he died was that he was worried about me, because I never could hold down a job and I never graduated. And I know he died worrying that I would never make something of my life and that I would die on the streets. I want to make sure that he can rest in peace, and the only way I can do it is by moving to Los Angeles and trying my damndest to make it. Will I succeed, maybe. Will I ever give up, never. What makes me different than anyone else going out there trying to make it, most of them are people who figured what the fuck, why not try acting, if I fail I can always run back home and my family will be there to take care of me, but me on the other hand, I have noone. If I fail at this, I fail at life. So I have it set in my mind that failure is not an option, it ain't an if I make it, its only a matter of when. I have done tried several things, ranging from fast food to retail to construction. Not good at any of that, but when I worked in haunted houses as an actor I would be the one scaring people all the time, I would be the one getting a bonus for being the only one able to scare the owner, I was the one who was coming up with better ways to make my scene scarier. People came to me asking for advice on their scenes. Sure, I may not have the look of some these Hollywood types, but there are many people who don't have the look and have still made some name for themself. I plan to be one of those people who make it. And if I have to work my ass off, eating only macaroni and cheese and tuna fish snadwiches until I do it then by god I will, cuz I will not let anything stop me. I will not give up at this like I have done on so many other things. Nobody will stand in my way. So someday you will be flipping thru channels and see me on your screen. So please, if you have anything to say to me about this rather long rant then let it be positive, encourage me, tell me that I am doing the right thing, but don't by any means tell me that you think I am stupid and am making a mistake. I guess thats all I have to say now. I guess I will return to my normal little life and continue asking myself Will I be missed?