(no subject)
I'm wide awake playing stupid games on my phone to occupy my mind from the face that Randy is gone. my family has been broken and not everyone gets along on the regular but it was nice to see everyone in one place having fun together. I wish it were under better circumstances but I'm sure it makes Randy happy to see us all under one roof.
I'm happy to have found this mobile app although I can't type nearly as fast. my birthday is in 6 days and I'll be 26. time flys by quickly. on the 22nd Mike and I will celebrate 5 years together and I feel like the luckiest girl alive to have found such an amazing, witty man with a big heart. I wish Randy were here to celebrate with us.
my thoughts are in fragments as this whole journal keeping thing is so foreign to me now. I have boxes and boxes of composition books from high school and shortly there after but somewhere down the line I stopped writing all together. I feel personal journalism keeps you in touch with your inner self while social media forces you to be comfortable with changing after a shower in front of a window. Im going to try and write more when I'm bored instead of scrolling through all the Facebook junk. lord help me be strong.
I'm glad we didn't do a funeral for Randy. two days of people stopping by my parent's house was a little chaotic but it seemed more fitting. my parents even allowed JR and his friends have beer in on the back porch. I was able to meet nearly all of Rick's family and I just wish that the circumstances were better.
I stayed up all night last night drawing a picture for JR and I gave it to him today. it took 5 solid hours but turned out so beautifuly and he really loved it. I've never lost a parent but I know he is in pain even though he was smiling today with his friends. Nobody knew JR like his father and the.relationship they have was something sacred. I wish my family were closer. things are getting better with my mom, Rick and I after the whole sister stealing fiasco but my relationship with missy and Becky remain on eggshells it feels like. Becky and I may never be close again if she doesn't stop talking smack about mike and I. she thought it would never get back to me. funny how that happens... hopefully Missy and her boyfriend will come have dinner with Mike and I for my birthday next Friday. she replied to my text saying that they'd like to but then stopped responding. I'm going to be pretty hurt if she blows me off again. I'm just going to keep my heart full in hopes that she will come.
I hate my birthday. the last time I had a good birthday was when I turned 21. after that it just remained a let down of people being flakey and family forgetting to call. it just sets me up for failure. maybe this year I'll just treat it like another day so I don't get so upset.
I haven't heard from.my dad since Christmas. the only time I talk to him is when I call him. we are playing words with friends back and forth but its not like there is a strong bond being formed there. I justvwish he would call me on his own accord. I love him and I know he's not trying to be hurtful but he is just submerged into his new family.
ugh It's 3:00 and I have been so nocturnal since Randy passed away. I just wish I would have followed.my gut when I thought about just dropping by to say hi. I was just being told he was using again and his health was deteriorating. its just an ach in my heart like a void has pierced through my soul with his passing. I know he wishes us well and wants us to carry on and be happy. it its hard to believe that this really happened.
my hands are hurting from typing all that on my phone. I'm hoping I can get some sleep now. we'll see. I may be back later for more.
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