The doctor released me, a case of Underjoyed.
I hate how I cannot feel the things that mean the most to me.
I cannot feel hugs.. I just can't feel the arms around me. It's like I lose my sense of touch; I can't remember anything. It's gone. I just know that it happened and I am happy, but I never felt it. How can I be happy about something I never experienced? Yes, it's happened quite a few times, but I have never felt it.
I can't feel the fur of my cat when I touch her. She is precious to me and that's why. I can't feel her.
I can't feel the coldness in the air. When everyone else shivers, I can't feel it. My cold heart has frosted the blood in my veins.
I can feel tears fall from my eyes.
I can feel pain from another; I can feel my heart breaking. I mean literally I can feel my fucking heart breaking.
It hurts right where it should.
If the water in the shower is too hot I think to myself I deserve to burn
and I don't adjust the knobs.
I can feel all the things I never want to feel again.
I am too good of a person. Yes, I hate so much, I am rarely nice, I don't laugh at what other people say, I consider myself above a large majority of the population. But I have ten times more love..
"And if you could hold your tongue long enough
You'd see that all I am is love, but I don't like me.
I despise me."
I finally truly understand that quote: "Oh, it hurts to be this good." IT HURTS TO BE THIS GOOD.
How do you know if you really love somebody?
Is it when the aching on the left side of your chest won't stop, from the moment you wake to the moment you fall asleep? Even then it doesn't. Do you know you love somebody if you dream about them at night? Or when they are the only thing that goes through your mind all day? And not in the stupid high school romance kind of way, the real way, when you say out loud that you would do anything for them, when you can prove to somebody you still have love in your heart, for that one person who won't accept it, and doesn't even know it's there. Or is it when everything they held in their hands is considered precious? I was in his arms that night and I can't forget and I can't forgive. Is shedding tears at the thought of them enough? When is it enough?
"It's a disease they'll never have a cure for
You're the only way to dry my eyes."
x___lilly.
[p.s. I am obviously not seeing Ben tomorrow night. ]
I cannot feel hugs.. I just can't feel the arms around me. It's like I lose my sense of touch; I can't remember anything. It's gone. I just know that it happened and I am happy, but I never felt it. How can I be happy about something I never experienced? Yes, it's happened quite a few times, but I have never felt it.
I can't feel the fur of my cat when I touch her. She is precious to me and that's why. I can't feel her.
I can't feel the coldness in the air. When everyone else shivers, I can't feel it. My cold heart has frosted the blood in my veins.
I can feel tears fall from my eyes.
I can feel pain from another; I can feel my heart breaking. I mean literally I can feel my fucking heart breaking.
It hurts right where it should.
If the water in the shower is too hot I think to myself I deserve to burn
and I don't adjust the knobs.
I can feel all the things I never want to feel again.
I am too good of a person. Yes, I hate so much, I am rarely nice, I don't laugh at what other people say, I consider myself above a large majority of the population. But I have ten times more love..
"And if you could hold your tongue long enough
You'd see that all I am is love, but I don't like me.
I despise me."
I finally truly understand that quote: "Oh, it hurts to be this good." IT HURTS TO BE THIS GOOD.
How do you know if you really love somebody?
Is it when the aching on the left side of your chest won't stop, from the moment you wake to the moment you fall asleep? Even then it doesn't. Do you know you love somebody if you dream about them at night? Or when they are the only thing that goes through your mind all day? And not in the stupid high school romance kind of way, the real way, when you say out loud that you would do anything for them, when you can prove to somebody you still have love in your heart, for that one person who won't accept it, and doesn't even know it's there. Or is it when everything they held in their hands is considered precious? I was in his arms that night and I can't forget and I can't forgive. Is shedding tears at the thought of them enough? When is it enough?
"It's a disease they'll never have a cure for
You're the only way to dry my eyes."
x___lilly.
[p.s. I am obviously not seeing Ben tomorrow night. ]